Husnand's addiction - Relapse, so confused

Plaw · 2025-07-13T01:31:23+00:00

My husband's gambling addiction was made known to me a couple of years ago. I was so distraught at the time and told him I'd support him but if he relapsed, that he would be gone. He went to GA for a while and seemed like he made a good recovery. A few weeks ago, I think he relapsed. It wasn't gambling as he did before but more spending alot of money on a hobby (collecting things) over a few months. He didn't admit this, I found out. I've been to numerous sessions of therapy to get to a point of trusting him again and that only started to happen about 6 months ago. Now I feel back to the start. He was very apologetic at first but now he seems to think it's all fine. I've told him that he needs to go to therapy and that's a deal breaker for me now. He said he didn't need therapy and I had a brave moment and told him if that's how he felt, he can go somewhere else to think about that as I'll need space. He basically told me that he wouldn't be leaving the house, I would have to. That hurt so much. The next day he seemed to change his mind and said he would look up therapists in the area. It's been 4 days and he hasn't done that yet. I dont know what to do. We have 2 children and I feel like no matter what road we go down, they will be hurt and all I want to do is protect them. Any experience of similar situations appreciated.

TheAvidWriter · 13/07/2025 02:50

OP you are right. If you do stay in the marriage it will drag you down in many ways, financially as well as emotionally, if this has not happened already, plus it will impact the children´s financial stable future.

Do not leave the marital home, but do consult with a solicitor if you have not already. Hopefully you have your own account. And giving him ultimatum is pointless as he is hoping you will forget about this, or somehow forgive like you did last time.

MuckFusk · 13/07/2025 04:25

He's not going to do it in his own and even if you made an appointment for him he'd just occupy a chair in the therapy and get nothing out of it. It sounds like he fundamentally doesn't want to stop gambling and/or obsessively collecting and you can't make him want to.
As for him leaving the house, is it owned or rented? Are both names on it? As the PP said, get legal help with this.

Messycoo · 13/07/2025 08:47

He needs to go back to GA. No if or buts, he can get to a meeting most days .

Original poster

Plaw · 13/07/2025 10:09

MuckFusk · 13/07/2025 04:25

He's not going to do it in his own and even if you made an appointment for him he'd just occupy a chair in the therapy and get nothing out of it. It sounds like he fundamentally doesn't want to stop gambling and/or obsessively collecting and you can't make him want to.
As for him leaving the house, is it owned or rented? Are both names on it? As the PP said, get legal help with this.

Thank you for the honest reply. We own the house, both of our names are on it.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 13/07/2025 14:52

I guess the thing is what boundaries did you set. Did you say no spending money on hobbies? Did you say no collecting Pokémon cards or whatever?

Because to me, this doesn’t sound like gambling, but spending issues, which is not the same thing. It feels a bit like the goalposts have been moved or weren’t ever very clear to start. Sometimes in addiction, as the (often co-dependent) partner, when you are used to chaos, it’s hard to live without chaos, because that’s what you know. So when one thing is worked on, it becomes a bit of a coping mechanism to look for where you can find chaos. Not saying that’s necessarily what’s happened here, but in my experience, it’s not uncommon with addiction. Obviously nor is transference of addiction.

I think the thing is, if you think he has a shopping addiction, then you need to decide what your new boundaries are. And he has to decide if he’s willing to accept them. He doesn’t have to and nor do you. You can walk away whenever you need to to keep yourself safe.

MarySueSaidBoo · 13/07/2025 14:56

I'm all for forgiveness when people take complete accountability for their actions, and do everything in their power to make the hurt they've inflicted on others good again. He's just paying lip service OP, as you're the one who has sought therapy and healing. He's just swapped one addiction for another rather than working to work out why he did it and how to avoid falling into that trap again. Don't be his doormat, you and your children deserve better.

simsbustinoutmimi · 13/07/2025 15:40

Sorry but that sounds nothing like a gambling addiction to me, sounds like he just has a new interest. He maybe is looking for something to replace the gambling addiction. Could be a spending addiction or could genuinely just be a new interest. Does he have the spare cash to spend on his new thing? If not you need to have a chat and maybe that’s why he kept it quiet.

i think if he hasn’t gambled since you do need to focus on this as he’s done really well if so. Im glad he found groups useful.

I am a recovering addict (not gambling) and didn’t really find one on one therapy helpful.

also Op, is he neurodivergent? I am and I get random new interests and am also a recovering addict

if it helps and you have access, you can turn off allowing him to use the bank account on gambling sites.

i do think it’s unfair to say “if you relapse you’re gone” addiction isn’t easy, but it sounds like he did get himself together and stop gambling.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2025 16:09

He’s relapsed and you need to plan your exit now. You told him you were going to leave if he relapsed. This is also no life for your kids to be witness to either.

simsbustinoutmimi · 13/07/2025 16:11

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2025 16:09

He’s relapsed and you need to plan your exit now. You told him you were going to leave if he relapsed. This is also no life for your kids to be witness to either.

He hasn’t relapsed. He hasn’t been gambling. He’s spent a bunch of money on a new hobby. It’s crap and should’ve told his wife (probs didn’t because it costs money) but it’s unfair to see he’s relapsed. Relapsed means going back to the addiction he had before.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2025 16:22

Ok but the man still has an addictive personality and it’s still no life for the kids to witness either. He’s basically swapped one addiction for another.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 13/07/2025 16:24

Start a divorce or get the house sold and split 50/50

He will never change

Original poster

Plaw · 13/07/2025 17:18

mindutopia · 13/07/2025 14:52

I guess the thing is what boundaries did you set. Did you say no spending money on hobbies? Did you say no collecting Pokémon cards or whatever?

Because to me, this doesn’t sound like gambling, but spending issues, which is not the same thing. It feels a bit like the goalposts have been moved or weren’t ever very clear to start. Sometimes in addiction, as the (often co-dependent) partner, when you are used to chaos, it’s hard to live without chaos, because that’s what you know. So when one thing is worked on, it becomes a bit of a coping mechanism to look for where you can find chaos. Not saying that’s necessarily what’s happened here, but in my experience, it’s not uncommon with addiction. Obviously nor is transference of addiction.

I think the thing is, if you think he has a shopping addiction, then you need to decide what your new boundaries are. And he has to decide if he’s willing to accept them. He doesn’t have to and nor do you. You can walk away whenever you need to to keep yourself safe.

Edited

To be fair, no I didn't list any possible form of gambling that I found unacceptable but you are right on track with the cards. It wasn't pokemon ones but ones that can have value for selling on etc. Card collecting is technically gambling now that I've looked into it a bit.

I didn't go into full details in the first post 1 but when he started collecting them he asked me to watch him with it as it can become addictive. When I look back on that it annoys me as I'm his wife not his mother. I shouldn't have to spend the rest of my life watching him. I often checked in with him as he ran down the stairs and checked the post, opening them on the stairs. He explained he got a dopamine hit opening them to see if he got a rare one etc. At that point I told him I was getting worried, that sounded like how he used to be when he put on bets. He assured me it wasn't getting out of hand.

Then we had alot of events/holidays coming up so we looked at our accounts and that's when it became clear he has spent over £1000 on these things in a couple of months. Only 2 weeks before, he had said we needed to keep unnessary purchases down as we had so much coning up. He looked shocked when he realised how much he spent. However, when I asked him if he noticed the same behaviours come up again when he started collecting them, he said yes maybe. So he knew it was bad but kept doing it and didn't look for help.

I understand that chaos theory you mention but honestly I worked on that in therapy as for months after I initially found out the first time, all I wanted to do was check up on him to see of he was up to it again. That's what the betrayal does to you I'm afraid. As I said in my first post, I was doing great with it lately, not even thinking about it until this all happened.

You have touched on the question I have which is, is it an actual relapse or is he the type to keep switching one addiction for another. Maybe no one can answer that question but I feel a therapist may be able to help.

OP posts:

simsbustinoutmimi · 13/07/2025 17:19

Plaw · 13/07/2025 17:18

To be fair, no I didn't list any possible form of gambling that I found unacceptable but you are right on track with the cards. It wasn't pokemon ones but ones that can have value for selling on etc. Card collecting is technically gambling now that I've looked into it a bit.

I didn't go into full details in the first post 1 but when he started collecting them he asked me to watch him with it as it can become addictive. When I look back on that it annoys me as I'm his wife not his mother. I shouldn't have to spend the rest of my life watching him. I often checked in with him as he ran down the stairs and checked the post, opening them on the stairs. He explained he got a dopamine hit opening them to see if he got a rare one etc. At that point I told him I was getting worried, that sounded like how he used to be when he put on bets. He assured me it wasn't getting out of hand.

Then we had alot of events/holidays coming up so we looked at our accounts and that's when it became clear he has spent over £1000 on these things in a couple of months. Only 2 weeks before, he had said we needed to keep unnessary purchases down as we had so much coning up. He looked shocked when he realised how much he spent. However, when I asked him if he noticed the same behaviours come up again when he started collecting them, he said yes maybe. So he knew it was bad but kept doing it and didn't look for help.

I understand that chaos theory you mention but honestly I worked on that in therapy as for months after I initially found out the first time, all I wanted to do was check up on him to see of he was up to it again. That's what the betrayal does to you I'm afraid. As I said in my first post, I was doing great with it lately, not even thinking about it until this all happened.

You have touched on the question I have which is, is it an actual relapse or is he the type to keep switching one addiction for another. Maybe no one can answer that question but I feel a therapist may be able to help.

Show quote history

It’s not really gambling in the same sense. The risk is of them lowering in value and not knowing what you find in the pack, but presumably he’s buying separate cards.

Original poster

Plaw · 13/07/2025 17:20

simsbustinoutmimi · 13/07/2025 16:11

He hasn’t relapsed. He hasn’t been gambling. He’s spent a bunch of money on a new hobby. It’s crap and should’ve told his wife (probs didn’t because it costs money) but it’s unfair to see he’s relapsed. Relapsed means going back to the addiction he had before.

Show quote history

I did say "I think he has relapsed" in my first post, that's why I wanted people's opinion on this. It's not the exact same thing but it is gambling what was doing, even if he didn't 100% realise that.

OP posts:

MarySueSaidBoo · 13/07/2025 17:22

That is 100% gambling OP.

And £1000 in a few months would terrify me.

Original poster

Plaw · 13/07/2025 17:29

simsbustinoutmimi · 13/07/2025 15:40

Sorry but that sounds nothing like a gambling addiction to me, sounds like he just has a new interest. He maybe is looking for something to replace the gambling addiction. Could be a spending addiction or could genuinely just be a new interest. Does he have the spare cash to spend on his new thing? If not you need to have a chat and maybe that’s why he kept it quiet.

i think if he hasn’t gambled since you do need to focus on this as he’s done really well if so. Im glad he found groups useful.

I am a recovering addict (not gambling) and didn’t really find one on one therapy helpful.

also Op, is he neurodivergent? I am and I get random new interests and am also a recovering addict

if it helps and you have access, you can turn off allowing him to use the bank account on gambling sites.

i do think it’s unfair to say “if you relapse you’re gone” addiction isn’t easy, but it sounds like he did get himself together and stop gambling.

Edited

It was cards, that are worth money and you can get rare ones etc that can be sold for alot more. It was money that could be have spent on other things of course but it does seem to get worse when we have extra money. He's not neurodivergent as far as he knows, unless he is undiagnosed or something. He does seem to get obsessed with things, however I'm the same but would never spend loads of money on them without telling him. I now have full ownership of the old money since this all came out. That was his idea.

I understand you saying it's unfair to say I will leave if he relapses but I feel I have to take emotion out of it (I love the man) and think of mine and my kid's futures here. Addiction is such a hard thing to go through and I have supported him hugely since the beginning but this has just left me thinking do I want this. He himself often would say that I didn't sign up for this.

OP posts:

Lafufufu · 13/07/2025 17:31

It's 💯 relapse

He started doing it knowing it was another outlet for his gambling HENCE making you give permission and be his mother (when you didnt really get what he was asking) so he can also come back and pretend ypu had a part to play in all this and its not the same as last time so blah blah blah...

If he is spending money beyond that which is reasonable on his hobby
... by that I mean if his spending is negatively impacting you and / or your kids
Its a relapse.
If you are going on a crapper holiday or no holiday... if you can't take the kids to tge zoo... if you should have more money in your ISA or the kids JISAs... its having a negative impact.
And you said you'd leave.

I'd "leave" him but stay in family home and start divorce because I've seen firsthand the misery gamblers cause. I wouldn't want it for my children

simsbustinoutmimi · 14/07/2025 15:08

Plaw · 13/07/2025 17:29

It was cards, that are worth money and you can get rare ones etc that can be sold for alot more. It was money that could be have spent on other things of course but it does seem to get worse when we have extra money. He's not neurodivergent as far as he knows, unless he is undiagnosed or something. He does seem to get obsessed with things, however I'm the same but would never spend loads of money on them without telling him. I now have full ownership of the old money since this all came out. That was his idea.

I understand you saying it's unfair to say I will leave if he relapses but I feel I have to take emotion out of it (I love the man) and think of mine and my kid's futures here. Addiction is such a hard thing to go through and I have supported him hugely since the beginning but this has just left me thinking do I want this. He himself often would say that I didn't sign up for this.

Show quote history

He definitely has a spending issue but I wouldn’t consider it a relapse in the sense that it’s gambling, because it’s not. But I would be very cross at the amount of money he’s spent without telling you. Do you have a joint account? I’d be emptying half into your own account and keeping your finances separate. If he runs out of money that’s on him.

it does sound like he may be neurodivergent like me so maybe worth pursuing a possible diagnosis. Not an excuse for his behaviour though.

edit: just realised you have full ownership of the money. That’s a good thing, but still worth him maybe getting some counselling.