Family Death- No contact

[Gravitygirl]

Hello

I am a bit of a lurker here and this is my first post , so I hope Im doing it right.

I need to let off a bit of steam as if I say anything else infront of my DH he will get more upset.

There is a lot of family history behind htis so I am not expecting an indepth reply or answer just maybe confirmation that I am right in feeling angry for him.

DH grandfather died on saturday night, it was expected and my DH is still emotionless, his nan left a message saying he had died, so when he woke on sunday morning he got it, texted back and said please ring when you can.
Now his mother was also there with his nan and sister and uncle etc so basically most of the family ( he does not get on with sis and uncle, their choice not his) so at some point he expected a phone call from his nan or mum, no? Well by lunchtime he had heard nothing, he rung and finally got through, his nan brushed him off and said she would ring back at 8 last night.
8PM came and no phone call, no text, he has been completley left out of his family grieving, I am so mad for him I can barely contain it, he is hurting so much and I dont know how to help.

How come his mum has not even rung to see how he is? I cant be unreasonable in thinking she could have by now am i?

We think its because his sister and uncle are there they dont want him/us there and to be honest that probably is the case, I just feel so mad for him

This isnt the time for more family rows , but why does his feelings always get stamped on.

Sorry for such a miserable first post but I need to let it out somewhere and rather here than to my poor DH

What a horrible time for you both, you are right it is not the time for arguments and that means looking at the bigger picture is there someone in the family who is impartial who your dh could contact and ask when is a convenient time to see the family. In the families defence they may have lost all track of time in the last few days.

I can see why you are both upset, and clearly there is a lot of past family history that has made you both sad.

As an impartial outsider, I wonder if your DH's family were upset that he texted back when he heard the news of his grandfather's death, instead of ringing to speak to them directly?

I think maybe you should cut them a bit of slack - they will be busy planning things, and comforting his nan etc.

If you can both try and get over your anger and contact them again, perhaps you will find that they are all in a bit of a state, and the lack of communication has not been deliberate.

sorry - another vote for cutting them some slack here.

he could have phoned instead of texted. i think this is momentous enough to warrant a call. his nan as ALREADY called him.

secondly, his mum has just lost her dad, his nan, her husband! perhaps he should also spare a thought for them. sorry to be so harsh, but he's sounding a bit self-absorbed!

i know this time is extremely hard, and we all tend to focus on ourselves, ourselves included.

Another vote here for slack cutting, when my grandparents died (5 years apart) my mum couldn't even call me to tell me and we are VERY close, she was just too grief struck both times

It may be the case here too, dh's mum, uncle and nan are the main priorities here, everyone else is grieving too of course but they are the closest to this. DH should call direct and/or just go there, all other considerations/arguments should just be put on hold

All you can do is be there for him, encourage him to go/call again and try not to inflame the situation any further

sorry for your loss

Texting is not acceptable at times like this.

You are now on the back foot and need to do some damage limitation.

What warthog said.

When my Dad died recently I was very upset to have condolences by text. Just as well the friend in question also sent a card eventually.

Unfortunately there is a hierarchy to grief. No matter how upset he is, he has "only" lost a grandfather, which doesn't compare with losing a husband or a father, unfair though it is. He should be making the contact. And not by text. Sorry.

his grandfather died and he texted?

I'm sorry but I think that's where the mistake lies ... a text is not a response to a family death, particularly when directed at the wife or daughter of the deceased. If there is already bad feeling then this has made it worse.

What he has to do now is go round to visit his nan .. the widow .. with flowers and an abject apology and just a few well-chosen comments on how sad he is, hw sorry he is etc

When I put "only" I meant that's what they will be thinking, I know it's not fair.

Off hand....

It was jolly bad manners.

Agree with the last few posts. Also he should try not to be too needy. He should get his comfort and concern from you but try to offer comfort and concern to his mother and grandmother.

I also think I would look extremely carefully at my terminology .. he called at lunchtime and his nan "brushed him off" and then she promiesd to call at 8pm (so less than 24 hours after his death). Do you feel aggrieved that she didn't keep her word?

Remember that whilst your DH is emotionless at having lost his grandfather, she had just lost her husband of at least 40 years (I assume)a matter of hours ago ... she cannot be held accountable for others' feelings at a time like this. she has been a widow for less than a day still.

In times of bereavement it is test of your humanity and honour ... I think you should both take a deep breath and work out how best to rise to the challenge of making it as bearable as possible.

I suppose he felt that texting back saying 'ring when you can' was sensible as he worried that he would call at a bad time, which he probably felt was the case when he did eventually get through.

After all, he only got sent a text message rather than a phone call to advise him that his grandfather had died...

Perhaps he can be the bigger person and forget who did what and who's fault it is and just call his mum and ask her how SHE is, ask how his nan is, or perhaps you could all go round with flowers or something for nan, maybe a casserole so they don't have to think about cooking.... just go and be there for his nan.

Thankyou for all your replies, I fear I have made my DH look awful here and that is not the case.

His nan rung as soon as his grandfather had passed away which was just before midnight on saturday, knowing it would go straight to answer phone but so my DH would know as soon as we woke up.
Having two young children (2 under 2) we were up at about 5am in the morning so my DH feeling he wanted to respond but didnt want to cause any inconvienience as he knew they had held a vigil for days by his gd's beside decided it was best to text and then one of them could ring back at not such an unhuman hour.
He waited and waited and didnt want to intrude but by 11am rung to try again, and yes, was brushed off.

IOne I say he is emotionless, I mean in terms of not starting to grieve for his gd, but it hurting in that he feels left out from his family.

I can not expect one/two posts to convey all this properly, including history on a forum so appreciate the 'on the face of it answers' I just needed somewhere to rant as I dont want to do it to my DH and make it worse.

FWIW he has phoned again and spoken to his mum and nan, his nan is clearly in some shock but his mum had no excuse for not phoning him.
I guess if I had a lot of time I could explain the whole famly issues but for now this will have to suffice.

Thankyou for being understanding.

I don't understand why you think his mum has "no excuse" for not phoning him. She has just lost her father, isn't that the reason? She's known him all of her life, same as your dh. Agree with Kassius, your dh's priority should be on supporting his mum and nan through this time.

Obviously there's more to the story than you can relay here and, regardless of the history, I'm very sorry for your, dh's and dh's family's loss.

Yes I agree its all very hard and alot more is going on here than I can say.

I will just keep my frustrations under wraps and try and support him as best as I can

Thankyou

Keep strong, rant when you need to and keep supporting your DH and DCs. Families are complicated and when emotions are high such as at times like this old hurts and issues resurface.

After a long vigil time can kind of get lost. People often talk of loosing days, so don't read too much into phone calls not made.

Celebrate the man your DH Grandfather was and what he has meant to the family. Personally after such a long day I'd go for a large glass of wine and a big hug.

Thinking of you both.

Yes, sorry, didn't want to stop you from ranting, you need to be able to let off steam. It's just your story, on the face of it, doesn't sound like a rantsworthy one. I appreciate this is probably because of stuff you can't tell us about.

I don't know what to say, really - obviously you can blow off steam on Mumsnet, of course you can, but it really does read as if your dh is expecting too much of grieving people. Is that possible at all? He isn't the only one who has been bereaved, after all.

as per everyone else i wouldnt take nan or mum not calling personally. I know when my grandad died i was numb for first couple of days and couldnt do anything so they prob cant even remember saying they would ring. Hope your dh is ok. X