To be honest about ex partner when dating

[Forfucksake84]

I just wanted some advice on what to tell people when they ask if you get on with your children's father on dates. I'd rather not discuss him but I find people seem to ask if we're amicable. I have a long history of him sometimes letting me down, having financial and transport issues, not paying maintenance etc which its why its sometimes hard to get on with him. I just feel it may put off a potential new partner if they feel there is a 'crazy ex' on the scene whereas in reality it wouldn't really affect them. Also i dont want to be dishonest and can't change the situation. Any advice welcome

How about:-

“Well we don’t hate each other but he lets the kids down quite a lot so he’s never going to be my best friend.”

Perfect. No one needs to go into detail about their ex on dates

Do you think its something that would put people off though?

Well if it does that's no bad thing. If they can't handle the reality of what your situation is with your ex then surely you'd rather find out before you invest any time in them.

I think people would be put off by 4 things:-

1. An ex that sounds like a total psychopath who might burn their house down for dating you
2. You being someone who falls out with every single person in your life
3. You being obviously still in love with your ex
4. You and your ex being such best friends that you think it would be just lovely for you all to go on holiday together

An ex that you find faintly irritating because he isn’t great to the kids but that you are able to forge a reasonable path with is probably what a new person is hoping for.

Possibly, but if it does do you want to date them?

They'll find out at some point down the line and may dump you then, in which case you'll have wasted time on something that's never going to work out.

Dating is about finding out if your compatible or not, lying about things that are going to come up in the future will only hinder that process.

This will be outing as my now grown children know this..
" Truly grateful to him for the amazing children we made.. But if I was walking past him on a handy cliff I'm very clumsy." 👍🤗😁

" I hope he gets his shit together someday."

Don't go into details about all his shortcomings. Too much yap about exes is a red flag itself.

100% Yes.

The timing is a different aspect, but it's very wise for a man to ask this in particular. There doesn't seem to be a shortage of abusive or psychopathic men out there that probably wouldn't be happy if a new man came on the scene.

whereas in reality it wouldn't really affect them

These sound minor compared to what they could be, but in a longterm relationship, anything negative in your life is going to affect your partner, and issues with another parent can be a major stress factor in someone's life. The new partner will be the ones who witness how unhappy you are and will be required to comfort you.

Just say “sometimes”

I usually say something like "I don't like him" or "no, we're not friends". If a date can't handle it, it's their problem.

“Mumofteenandtween · Today 14:11

I think people would be put off by 4 things:-

An ex that sounds like a total psychopath who might burn their house down for dating you

You being someone who falls out with every single person in your life

You being obviously still in love with your ex

You and your ex being such best friends that you think it would be just lovely for you all to go on holiday together

An ex that you find faintly irritating because he isn’t great to the kids but that you are able to forge a reasonable path with is probably what a new person is hoping for.”

Beautifully put by @Mumofteenandtween This with bells on.

"Some exes are difficult to be amicable with but I absolutely try to be for the sake of the children".

Thankyou all for your insights. It can be very tricky as I don't want to put people off! But its a difficult situation to navigate and I feel i sometimes end up oversharing

Given my ex is with someone who knows he cheated, treated me terribly and cruelly and doesn't bother with his kids, I'd say no.

I usually say that we’ve been divorced a long time and we’ve gone through most of the bumps in the road now so we co-parent well. Which is true. He was a dreadful husband but he’s learned to be a decent dad.
I wish I’d known about my ex’s absolute hatred of his ex (mum to DC) though. It was so extreme the only explanation is that he’s still in love with her. No one can feel that strongly if they’re not. I never stood a chance.
Dates are trying to work this out so be honest. It will affect their lives if you continue seeing each other.