Autistic & struggling with all relationships

[emmabseconds]

Name changed for this. Been here since pre PB & NH.

Been up all night. Heart physically hurts because I feel so sad.

Am trapped in loveless (he’s told me he doesn’t love me) non relationship with DP of many years. Can’t leave as I have multiple disabilities & am dependent on his care. I’ve researched getting paid carers but the time I’d need I can’t afford even with the highest care element of Scottish adult disability payment (Scottish payment similar to pip) which I get. DP gets carers allowance as he quit (NMW) work to care for me.

We argue every 2/3 days which often ends with me having autistic meltdowns/shutdowns & self harming. I meet the diagnostic criteria for severe depression but I’m too scared of professional intervention as then I’d lose DC. (I worked in the system so have professional experience of similar situations/outcomes)

I’m scared to leave DP as he’d try to take DC (primary age) with him (to continue to get UC & DC’s DLA). I think It’d become a nasty & I’ve not got the strength to fight.

I don’t have any other support. My parents are elderly & disabled themselves & were abusive to me in childhood & wouldn’t provide practical or emotional support if I needed it. I don’t have any other family.

Due to all of the above I put lots of effort into fostering friendships as an alternative to family. I have numerous women I consider friends, I message & arrange meet ups etc, I join in on social events etc. But due to my ASD I’m socially inept & seem to overestimate these friendships. There is no one I can tell any of the above to. There is no one I could run to for a safe bed if DP got violent.

I’ve considered women’s aid for support but all they’d say is leave? I mask too well so can come across as capable of independent living but I’m not. When I did live alone my self care was non existent & my needs are much higher now.

I own (mortgage) where we live. But instead of giving me security this makes me feel trapped.

I wish I had parents who cared or a DP who loved me, that’s what I want so I’m not asking for solutions here as no one can make those things happen.

Could I work on friendships more, to replicate family? I see other women with close female friendships & I'm so jealous of that. How do I do that when my social skills are rubbish? How do I learn to be a person people like?

I feel like my whole life no one’s ever liked me they just used me for companionship, money or sex.

DC is all I live for (disabilities destroyed successful career) but I worry they will also turn against me esp under influence of DP who never has anything nice to say about me. I already feel like he actively tries to estrange DC from me.

I did have a counsellor earlier this year but I only had 6 sessions so didn’t even get to the point of trust where I could disclose any of this.

Of course everyone else thinks DP is fabulous!

PS I’m on HRT as I thought I’d try that to help my mood. I haven’t noticed a difference.

OP there is a lot going on here but you have to start somewhere. What do you and your partner argue about so regularly? Is it anything in particular?
You say you have depression and for that you should see your GP as that won't be a reason to lose your kids and medication could help your mood considerably. Do your children hear or witness the arguments? You might think they aren't aware of the situation but they will be.
Speak to Women's Aid for advice and also please do get some more counselling for support and to help you navigate your current situation. It will help you see things more clearly. Also try to foster the friendships you say you have made, you could definitely do with some good women friends. You won't improve your social skills if you don't practise and from what you say this could be developed. Be honest about your ASD and l am sure they will be understanding. But please begin by seeing your GP, just take that first step. And good luck!

Arguments: parenting - he gives DC free rein, always paints me as the baddie for things like wanting us to eat dinner together. He has no boundaries eg bedtimes.

house cleaning. He makes a huge mess & doesn’t clean up. He doesnt work so has plenty of time for this. It makes the space unusable for me.

sex - he has a low libido & this makes me feel unwanted & rejected

money- he’s controlling even though our only income is social security, I don’t know how much he gets & he’s never let me see a bank statement of his.

personal hygiene- he often has BO, doesn’t shave so stubble grazes me, unbrushed teeth, if I comment being critical.

he never apologises which I then get more upset about than the original thing. There’s gaslighting & silent treatment. I call him out on all this but he DARVOs.

re: my MH, it’s him causing my distress, meds won’t change him! He wants to be a single parent with me out of the picture so he absolutely would use any records about my MH in a court custody battle. He’s very charming & I’ve no doubt a court would believe him over me & award him custody. I’d lose DC.

DC are aware, that’s why he should stop abusing me. The abuse won’t stop post separation!

As PP said, you need to start somwehere. Make a list: go to your GP for meds and a referral for therapy; call Women's Aid or whatever your local women's domestic abuse charity you have - talking to them will help you see things more clearly; they may also offer support groups. Social services will be less concerned if they were to get involved if you had started to do these things to make the situation better. Open up to your friends about your ASD and explain how difficult you find relationships and that you partner is being abusive. They can't help you if you don't talk to them. You are in a difficult situation but you can do this.

Do you have a good picture of your support needs? That’s where I’d start.

(I don’t think it’s realistic really to expect friends to take on these, but it’s nice to have them for fun.)

It sounds like your DH being your carer is having a very bad effect on your wellbeing. Is it possible things would be more stable for you without arguing and tension at home?

OP from your update about him you have admitted he is financially controlling which abusive. Gaslighting and the silent treatment is also abusive, especially when he is supposed to be your carer. Please start by speaking to Women's Aid and tell them what you have written here.

I'm also Autistic and when I was struggling I reached out to my local Adult Autism Service who got me an Autism Social Worker and a Support worker. It was much more helpful than going to my GP etc as they understood me and where my issues were coming from. I'm not in Scotland so can't help with contact details, but you could start by messaging the Scottish Autism charity and see if they can tell you what support is available in your area

https://www.scottishautism.org/services-support/adult-services

You say DP so you’re not married? What would you do if he left you or he died? I’d start there with a plan of what you’d do without him, how you’d manage your care needs, your DC needs, finances. It’s an awful relationship, try and imagine life without and how you’d cope. How old is your child?

Thanks for the advice I appreciate it.

I have some action points from here I can take forward.

I raised some of this with him today.

He’s got on with more cleaning and tidying today.

The kids are resentful that they are being asked to help as they aren’t used to it. So I’m getting evil eyes from them.

I do need ASD specific support services. Also a paid cleaner again. We did have one but she left & there is high demand/low supply here!

Im feeling a bit more positive today.

im seeing a couple of friends later this week so can look forward to that.

I’m not sure what your autism has to do with the fact that he’s an arsehole. Get shot and go back to your career to the extent you can.

If you have several disabilities you may be entitled to free personal care as you're I. Scotland.

If you have a social worker they can advise about this and that would mean the caring tasks wouldn't need to be done by your husband.

My needs are more around supervision & prompting. I can physically go to the loo and wash so I wouldn’t get a carer for that.

No social worker as I don’t have a learning disability or mental illness. My area has no separate social work department for neurodivergence.

My ASD makes me more vulnerable to abuse (previous history) as I lack theory of mind and am naive about others’ intentions. It also means I’m much more isolated & have no support network. I can communicate in writing here but verbally I couldn’t articulate any of this.

People irl aren’t inclined to help me as I’m not an empathetic figure - I can’t do eye contact so people think I’m lying, when I’m upset people read my non verbal communication as angry/aggressive. I have frequent shut downs and meltdowns. I behave in socially inappropriate ways but am unaware of this myself at the time.

So to the outside world I’m difficult & DP is a saint for tolerating me.

Have you ever experimented with supervision and prompts using technology? Just thinking of something like an Alexa where you could use voice commands to set alarms, or even set alarms on your phone.

There’s a platform called Focus Mate you could test for ‘body doubling’. This is where you meet another person online and tell them what you will do in the next hour’s session, and then you stay connected on the call.

Apologies in advance if these are unsuitable, just coming from a place whereby you could rely on your partner less (or potentially not at all) if they are stressing you out atm.

Thanks. I do need to explore more options.

From one lonely autistic lady to another - I hear you.

Are there any women’s charities locally who can provide you with counselling?

My last counsellor said I could re refer back through my gp. So I can do that again. I just wish it wasn’t only 6 sessions. I’ve also had some help from 2 autistic orgs but they haven’t actually helped with anything.

OP, well done for making a start, however slight. Re prompts just set regular reminders on your phone for the loo, self care etc. that might help. Also great you spoke to your partner and he is starting to do more... Keep on top of that. Also re refer for the next 6 NHS counselling sessions but also look into low cost counselling... It does exist if you seek it out.
Just to say also that although you say you have problems with face to face comms your written words are excellent so please communicate more with your friends by text and explain and why this is easier for you. I am sure they will understand. Great that you are already meeting up with some friends later this week though, you have made a start!