Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s just crap at relationships

23 replies

bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 11:54

Long and the short of it is, I’ve met somebody who is nice as a human being. He is a nice person.
Rightly or wrongly I have not met many of them along the way in my life generally they’ve been absolute turds.

However everything about his circumstances is wrong. He leaves me on unread for 36 hours at a time.
I have seen him twice in six weeks and then he’s cancelled on me at the last minute this weekend
I have very little time off two days a week, but it’s not always the weekend.
If I see him during the week, which I can, it’s for lunch so it’s nothing meaningful. It’s a flyby.

My children are telling me to block him in fact they have blocked him. I’ve had to unblock him.
My friends on the other hand have suggested he obviously just doesn’t manage his time very well. He clearly has aHAD or whatever that is.
Their opinion is that I should just bear with him because in the long run it might be worth it
It also feels really cruel to dump him because he hasn’t done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Katherine9 · 12/07/2025 12:00

bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 11:54

Long and the short of it is, I’ve met somebody who is nice as a human being. He is a nice person.
Rightly or wrongly I have not met many of them along the way in my life generally they’ve been absolute turds.

However everything about his circumstances is wrong. He leaves me on unread for 36 hours at a time.
I have seen him twice in six weeks and then he’s cancelled on me at the last minute this weekend
I have very little time off two days a week, but it’s not always the weekend.
If I see him during the week, which I can, it’s for lunch so it’s nothing meaningful. It’s a flyby.

My children are telling me to block him in fact they have blocked him. I’ve had to unblock him.
My friends on the other hand have suggested he obviously just doesn’t manage his time very well. He clearly has aHAD or whatever that is.
Their opinion is that I should just bear with him because in the long run it might be worth it
It also feels really cruel to dump him because he hasn’t done anything wrong.

I don't think you should jump to conclusions about any sort of diagnosis, particularly when it seems you're trying to make excuses for his shitty behaviour.

Why have your children blocked him? This is the biggest concern of all to me.

RelapsedChocoholic · 12/07/2025 12:01

Is his unavailability, for whatever reasons, not reason enough to end whatever it is between you?

There doesn’t need to be a villain either side to end something, it simply not being what you want is enough.

Original poster
bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 12:01

They just think he’s treating me very badly

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 12/07/2025 12:01

He doesn’t sound like a nice person to me. He sounds selfish, flaky and low effort.

EBearhug · 12/07/2025 12:09

Talk to him. Tell him that cancelling you at the last minute isn't acceptable unless it's a real emergency - illness, car broke down, parent in hospital. Not just can't be arsed, got a better offer from a mate.

If he doesn't see the problem or want to respect your time, then bin him. If he says he'll change and doesn't follow up in practice, bin him.

Even if there is ADHD or something, he can investigate strategies to manage it - reminders in his phone for when he needs to get ready, whatever. If he's serious about you, he'll make the effort to change (there may be some dlio-ups slong the way, but if it's clear he's trying, that's excusable.) If he says you're the one who has to accept him as he is, and there's no hint of even meeting you half way, then bin him. You'll never be happy with him.

Original poster
bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 12:14

EBearhug · 12/07/2025 12:09

Talk to him. Tell him that cancelling you at the last minute isn't acceptable unless it's a real emergency - illness, car broke down, parent in hospital. Not just can't be arsed, got a better offer from a mate.

If he doesn't see the problem or want to respect your time, then bin him. If he says he'll change and doesn't follow up in practice, bin him.

Even if there is ADHD or something, he can investigate strategies to manage it - reminders in his phone for when he needs to get ready, whatever. If he's serious about you, he'll make the effort to change (there may be some dlio-ups slong the way, but if it's clear he's trying, that's excusable.) If he says you're the one who has to accept him as he is, and there's no hint of even meeting you half way, then bin him. You'll never be happy with him.

This is the issue. They are all perfectly valid reasons for cancelling but they are also reasons that will prop up time and time again.

I literally come behind his daughter completely valid, His ex again completely understand because if she’s down his daughter can’t be taken care of.
But then his job which buy all accounts his daughter and his ex come behind.
He then has the usual family stuff etc

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 12/07/2025 12:32

bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 12:14

This is the issue. They are all perfectly valid reasons for cancelling but they are also reasons that will prop up time and time again.

I literally come behind his daughter completely valid, His ex again completely understand because if she’s down his daughter can’t be taken care of.
But then his job which buy all accounts his daughter and his ex come behind.
He then has the usual family stuff etc

Show quote history

So why bother trying to force a relationship with a man who is telling you loud and clear that you’ll only be getting a few crumbs?

You’re wasting your time. If he’d this low effort already, it won’t get better

WondererWanderer · 12/07/2025 12:34

He isn't crap at relationships. He's just not interested.

You have no idea how many other people he's seeing if he doesn't read your texts he doesn't meet you more than twice in 6 weeks and cancels on you at the last minute. Amazing the human capacity to lie to themselves.

Cadenza12 · 12/07/2025 12:37

He hasn't got time for you. We make space for things that are important in our life, doesn't matter how busy we are. He's sending you a message loud and clear.

LlynTegid · 12/07/2025 12:38

He may have valid reasons, however if it is not right for you, then end the relationship.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/07/2025 12:39

He's not a nice person. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even seem to like you that much.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/07/2025 12:40

ADHD wouldn't matter if he really wanted to be with you, he would be. He'd find a way of working around it. I have ADHD and if I have something I either really WANT to do, or really HAVE to do, then damn straight I do it.

Why should you have to hang in there because it might be nice in the end? What if it's not? What if the end is too far away for you to tolerate?

Original poster
bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 12:40

Okay, message received
I’ve ripped the plaster off and just said we’re at different stages of our lives
Needless to say he hasn’t read it 🤣

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 12/07/2025 12:47

Come on. He's not that into you.

If he was, he would be reading your messages right away and be setting up times to see you, not cancelling.

I have no clue why your friends are making excuses for what is obviously a lack of interest. Your kids have got it right. Why would you pursue a man your kids don't like?

You've only seen him twice in 6 weeks. There's no one to dump. He's not your boyfriend. It sounds like you're a potential backup.

Drop the rope.

Original poster
bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 12:48

Obviously now he’s responded, but I’ve not read it. I’m refusing to read it.

OP posts:
Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 12/07/2025 13:10

Good. Ignore him.
Next!

Chazbots · 12/07/2025 13:20

Yep, adhd here and if I was into you, you'd be moaning about me being there 24/7...

Literally moved in with now DH within hours, 30 years ago.

Original poster
bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 13:23

Chazbots · 12/07/2025 13:20

Yep, adhd here and if I was into you, you'd be moaning about me being there 24/7...

Literally moved in with now DH within hours, 30 years ago.

I think it is different when you’ve got a child of your own and they have a child, but I take your point

OP posts:
Chazbots · 12/07/2025 13:33

Yep, the point is that people with adhd tend to hyperfocus on their objects of interest and are timeblind to everything else (stereotyping hugely) but I just think if was that into you, he'd be under your feet.

Original poster
bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 13:35

Chazbots · 12/07/2025 13:33

Yep, the point is that people with adhd tend to hyperfocus on their objects of interest and are timeblind to everything else (stereotyping hugely) but I just think if was that into you, he'd be under your feet.

I think he is very like that with his work.
When I asked him about the reason why he split up with his daughter’s mum, He said something along the lines of she thought he was too messy
He’s not messy at all, clearly something happened. It was the final straw and that was the excuse she gave.

OP posts:
Fluffypotatoe123987 · 12/07/2025 14:45

Dont blame adhd. Having one. He messages straight back and when you first meet they hyperfocus on you

BuckChuckets · 12/07/2025 17:21

He's not that into you. I have ADHD, and if I'm interested in someone, I want to spend loads of time with them.

Original poster
bumblecoach · 12/07/2025 17:22

BuckChuckets · 12/07/2025 17:21

He's not that into you. I have ADHD, and if I'm interested in someone, I want to spend loads of time with them.

Thanks

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page