Am I in the wrong

[RubyRobin90]

Myself (F 34) and partner (M30) have been together 6 years 3 kids together and I have a child from previous, anyway he's always known I wanted marriage etc and he always seemed to be on the same page but now it feels like he has done a complete 360 because to him its wrong that I told him my kids come before anyone, myself and him included he doesn't agree and thinks the kids should come second to him, what are your thoughts xx

I also think it’s important to nurture your relationship with your partner, especially once the early child-rearing days were over. Making time for each other is important and overall keeping your relationship healthy is also a positive for your children. But if I had to choose between my DH and my kids I would pick them every time. Maybe that will change when they become adults with their own lives but I would be hard pressed to think of a scenario where I would choose him over them.

So he expects you to put him first.

Who does he put first?

Yet another man child who expects a second mother. (We, man and woman in the main) are raising children and of course the children should be first and foremost in our lives. He sounds just like a narcissist from the little you have explained and at the end of the day, your children will bring you more joy than he ever will in 40+ years together because he won't change and it will get worse. Craves for attention, validation, gaslights all day long, controlling, hates absolutely everybody is that enough ? Think carefully about your choices OP.

In your second post he sounds like a complete dickhead.
But there is something unpleasant about the first post- ‘always’ is such a flexible word in a bad way.

What specifically do you mean by the kids always coming first? Yes you would get them out first in a house fire, but how much must he/you have less so that they can have more? Are they expected to share? Will you take their side if they are being cheeky? Does he ‘always’ have to demonstrably be second so that they can demonstrably be always first?

My guess is that the communication is not great in the relationship, but how can it be when someone is so immature.

As an example (and it’s different because I have teenagers) my favourite artist was playing in our city on DD’s birthday. When the tickets became available I said “I’m going to that concert, so we can have something small the next day instead” my daughter didn’t complain of not being put first she said “Have a great time Mum!”

Yes of course your children are more important. It's a bit worrying that you're even asking. And he sounds like a cheating, controlling arsehole. Why on earth did you forgive him in the first place? Yes, you are wasting your time with him.

@GuevarasBeret I think you are misunderstanding the OP's use of 'always'.

Wow!! Op, love for our children young or adults is unconditional love, we would die for them we would take any pain or illness from them and suffer ourselves that's the difference loving our children over a partner , how has he even asked this of you, wow op,

You are completely wasting your time, OP. You shouldn't have forgiven his cheating, either. As for him coming first, ugh, the arrogance of some men!

The balance shifts as the years pass, yes, but the OP has only been with this man for 6 years and they already have three children together so they are very much still at the stage of needing to be prioritised.

It's why it's generally not a good idea to have so many children so soon into a relationship, before you've even got to know each other and so you don't end up saddled with an emotionally immature cheat because your options at that stage are limited and none are great.

I used always and in with regards to the marriage situation he always seemed like he was on board as in that would be our future,

With regards to the kids being put first they are only small so if they need my attention they are getting my attention like I say I would put their needs before my own. Maybe I'm wrong in the fact say we was to be having sex for example and one of the kids who were asleep woke up crying and screaming to me as mummy I would want to go to them but he would want to 'finish' before attending to them which i just dont agree with. But I think i see it as although I have forgiven him in the past its always in th3 back of my mind he could walk out where as my kids will forever be my kids so why would I not put them before him

Certainly when I had three small kids, I too would want to go to an awake child, rather than have to wait for him to finish🤮.

Would he articulate it like that though - “My preference is that I continue to orgasm, regardless of your maternal instincts, and the child’s distress?” or would you raising it like that cause a row?

I don’t disagree with you that they will always be yours it he won’t, but you cannot get married on that basis. You haven’t truly forgiven him for being a dog early (and no reason that you should) so I think my advice is to get back to basics: step away from getting married; get your own financial independence; stick to reality about him and the relationship.

But if those- financial independence is the key one. You know he cannot be relied on when the chips are down.

Thank you so much for kindness and understanding with this post and your lovely advise that I will definitely be taking on board and really thinking about 🫶🩷

Well he will make your life 10x harder if you choose to have kids with him

That ship has sailed.

There only been together 6 years and already had 3.

He's an absolute idiot and a red flag.

The children obviously come first.