What’s going on??

[Messeduplady]

ive been with my boyfriend for 3 months after being single for 3 years. I was starting to lose hope of ever finding someone , I’m 34 and I’d like to get married and have a baby etc.

At first I thought I’d found the one - he’s kind , caring , generous , always puts me first and most of all shares the same goals as me. We also couldn’t keep our hands of eachother , things were going so well we booked a holiday for next month and already said we love eachother.

Now all of a sudden out of nowhere I’m really starting to doubt how I feel. I think I’ve got so caught up with the wave of everything I thought I was in love when I don’t think I am . He’s still very forward and I just feel like I want to run. When he wants to be intimate I don’t feel like I’m all in.
There’s certain things he says or does that makes me cringe or think ‘why did you say that’.

My past relationship of 7 was abusive , and even though I know it was the wrong love I knew I loved my ex with everything I had and this feels different.

now I can’t work out if I’m overthinking, self sabotaging or I’m what im feeling is right and I’m just not feeling it ? I also think what if I don’t find anyone else this lovely and I never get married or have children? I’m so confused and feel so guilty for this sudden change in feelings. Do I just overlook the minor bits that put me off and look at the really positive things ?

Go with how your gut feels. If you feel disinterested and icky, get out

What’s going on is that you got excited that you thought you’d found The One

and just 3 months in you’re getting the ick

in your shoes, I’d scarper. This is already circling the drain

I’m just scared I’ll be making a massive mistake as he’s perfect on paper.

I have a habit of getting the ick so I’m just worried I’m self sabotaging when I should be happy I’ve met someone so lovely

He doesn’t sound perfect on paper to me

or indeed, to you

what are your personal circumstance? Children? Good friendship circle? Work?

@The2ndone friendship and work circle is good. I have no children . All my friends are settling down , just not sure why I’m finding it so hard

Above anything else: the desire to get married and have children cannot be the driver in your quest to find ‘the one’. You might live to regret it. It is perfectly possible to live a fulfilling life without this.

secondly, can you give examples of “There’s certain things he says or does that makes me cringe or think ‘why did you say that’”…

Im not clear why you are doubting it. This may be a him issue, or a you issue.

Maybe your last relationship was all drama and dopamine - whereas this one is calm and chilled and respectful - so you aren’t getting the same ‘hit’. Or maybe new bloke is a slimy weasel and needs dumping.

I listened to a podcast the other day Diary of a CEO - he said his female friend chose not to date a guy as he had cardboard boxes on top of his wardrobe and it put her off him - despite him being friendly, attractive etc. She didn’t explore why he had boxes. Maybe they were charity donations waiting to be taken. Maybe a friends possessions as he offered to store them for free while s/he is travelling. I once stored boxes for a friend fleeing domestic abuse. Or maybe he’s a slob. Or always moving or a hoarder. It made me think people can be fussy without exploring via conversation.

So op is it him or you?

@HabberdasheryAddict umm sounds silly but when he tries to make a joke it just makes no sense or little comments that make me think what?
it’s hard to explain -it’s almost a feeling of needing to escape. There’s no fun banter between us and it’s just got very serious very quick.
but I didn’t feel any of that when I first met him , its only been the last couple of weeks. I’m a very independent person and someone being in my space throws me off .

@Agniezs he definitely isn’t a slimy weasel , the complete opposite. It’s most certainly me that’s the problem - it’s my feelings that have shifted.
he hasn’t done anything specifically wrong - just certain things (see above comment)

Maybe the first 3 months you were just enjoying the high and didnt notice the little things, now the high is wearing off and your realising perhaps you arent compatible?

You jumped in way too quickly, thinking you'd found the one and saying I love you to each other. You don't love each other, after 3 months you are still getting to know each other. It could well be that you're just not compatible. It's perfectly valid to realise that and walk away.

Next time you meet someone, take it much more slowly and take your time getting to know them!

I think if you’ve been in an abusive relationship it can be hard to adapt to a non abusive one. As someone above said you won’t have the highs and lows or rollacoster. Maybe you are just feeling suffocated and need to take a step back and slow the pace while you get to know eachother properly. I remember about three months in with my husband having a wobble while he was saying he loved me etc, he’s always been a steady eddy and I was used to the high/low/drama.

Sounds like either you have (both) ruined something that might have been an ok relationship by going too fast too soon, or it was never going anywhere and you just got carried away early on.

The honeymoon period is wearing off. You were so happy to think you'd found the one that you didn't notice things that now annoy you. If he's getting on your nerves after 3 months, how will you feel after 3 years when you are restricted by a ring on your finger and a child to look after? Some things are just not meant to be and that isn't a bad reflection on you or him.

I dated a man who was 'perfect on paper' (for me anyway). Worst relationship I've ever had tbh because none of us are just what we are 'on paper'.

You'd never put my partner and me together 'on paper' because we're completely different in all those 'on paper' ways but we just work.

Put it this way, we'd have both have filtered each other out if we'd been online dating but we'd known each other as friends through a hobby for a few years.

To me, it's the stuff that you can't record on paper - the how you relate to each other part of the relationship - that's important. The 'on paper' bit is just the shortlisting stage. The dating part is the first stage interview and he's just not cutting it for you there.

Lots of people are kind, generous and will have similar life goals to you but they won't all be the right person for you.

Don't settle. You'll regret it.

You either have avoidant attachment style or subconsciously feel he isn’t good enough for you and you are compromising/ dating down because of your biological clock

You jumped too quickly. You can’t know someone properly after three months so any love you have/ had is based on a person you made up in your head coupled with the best version of him he has shown you so far. But most people have annoying habits and weird things they say. However you can learn to love these things about them if you actually love them. But because you got ahead of yourself you feel over committed rather than a natural progression.

Having said that, personally I couldn’t date someone too serious. I know I need banter and lighthearted fun. If that something you also know you need and your relationship doesn’t have that it’s not going to develop. You either find him funny or you don’t. Move on and don’t waste your time but learn from it.

You can’t marry someone who gives you the ick. Even worse to have a baby with him. Stop now.

I came to say this. I have avoidant attachment and find it very difficult when in a calm loving relationship. I had some therapy and was told that I needed to sit in discomfort instead of immediately running away. If it is this, be honest about the pace and try to reset, and slow it down.

It could also be the second part of this pp, maybe you are settling and there isn’t the connection you thought there was.

It’s difficult because both reasons will make you find fault and pick at the little things.

Id try the pacing/communication thing first.

But he's not perfect in real life.

Trust your ick. It's the natural way of you filtering out what isn't right for you. Self-sabotaging is ignoring the ick.

I had a similar situation with my partner when we were at the beginning. It would come and go but it was like an anxiety that he wasn't right for me. I knew he was a good person so I was really conflicted and didn't want to lose a good thing.

I also had terrible relationships before him and was single for a long time before meeting him, to protect myself.

I stuck with it, we have now been together for 5 years and I love him more than anything.

The anxiety creeps back now and again but I now recognise it as when I am feeling insecure so I think in the beginning, it was a protective measure as I could feel the relationship becoming serious.

Not sure if I'm making sense, it took me a while to work it out but really examine your feelings to see if you can work out where they're coming from.

It's only been three months and you admit that you're confused about how you feel, why you feel different etc.
Can you not just give it a little more time before doing anything drastic? Has he met your friends and family? Have you met his? Do your friends feel he's a good match for you? Do you like his friends?
Just wait a little while. Perhaps the mad excitement of getting together is cooling down and you are just reaching a normal plateau. Spend some apart maybe, doing things you did before you met him. Remember what life was like before you were together. Maybe you miss it or maybe it will clarify that you do want to be with him. Feelings do ebb and flow. That's normal. I think you need to be more certain before you act.

Initially a relationship is exciting. It’s easy to feel like the person might be the one, that feeling is part of the excitement. But logically you know that you can’t know they are the one until you really know them. It takes months, maybe even a year or so to really get to know someone and during that time, the more you learn about them, the chances of discovering they’re not the one increase. That’s all that has happened. Now you know him a bit more you’re not that into him. It’s no big deal. Be kind and move on.