A couple of years ago, when my child was diagnosed, it became clear that I was ASD and that the entire maternal line of my family are too.
I have always struggled with social issues and have spent the majority of my life feeling alone and misunderstood.
gradually, over the years, I have fallen out with most people. Either their choice or perhaps mine. I could tell you why or the context of every single time and rarely find myself completely at fault, but I suppose it can’t be everyone else, all of the time.
I see my child having the same issues and it breaks my heart. I can’t model good social relationships for her as I don’t have any. No one likes me. People find reasons sometimes, but other times don’t and so invent things because I think technically I do nothing wrong but I am just generally unpleasant to be around.
my mum cut me out of her life 4 years ago. She didn’t really tell me why, but has form for this. As her mother did before her. She now barely leaves the house and has no one in her life at all except my dad and brother.
I am too long in the tooth to try and change my ways now. I try to be a good attentive friend but can see I get things wrong. I have been masking since teenager and have diaries from around that time with long lists of social rules I would adopt but I always failed. It’s sad to go back and read.
I find it hard being completely alone. I have my husband and I’m grateful for him. How can I just realise this my lot?
is there a way I can forgive myself for the way all my relationships have ended up? Are there any books anyone can recommend to help me? I have accepted I need to be alone but I need to find a way to cope with that and basically change my personality as I’m worried my child will end up like me.
I can’t sleep tonight. I made a big list of all my failed relationships and where I think they went wrong but realised none of that matters. The common denominator is me.