Teen daughter is EA towards her boyfriend

[TheDogsKnees]

DP and I have suspected for a while that my teen DD (almost 17) is using her boyfriend (almost 18) for his money. We've casually dropped hints to both in the past that he shouldn't spend so much of his wages on her, but we've otherwise kept out of their business. However my other DD has just spilled the tea on their relationship and confirmed what we suspected and more. I'm appalled and horrified to learn that she is basically financially and emotionally abusing this poor lad. He is besotted with her and she is taking full advantage. It's a very one-sided relationship and she is very mean to him (I've heard this myself but she's passed it off as a joke). I need advice on how to talk with her about this. She's autistic and will not handle even the slightest perceived criticism well. But also her dad (my exDH) was emotionally, financially and verbally abusive towards me so this is a very triggering subject for me. I'm absolutely devastated, although not entirely surprised, to learn that she is just like him. How should I/we handle this?

I'm absolutely devastated, although not entirely surprised, to learn that she is just like him. How should I/we handle this?

This sounds quite loaded. What makes you not surprised she's like her abusive father?

What has the boyfriend said when you've dropped hints?

How bad is it that your other daughter felt the need to 'spill the tea' and what is their relationship like? My parents couldn't get me to snitch on my sisters and vice versa.

I need advice on how to talk with her about this. She's autistic and will not handle even the slightest perceived criticism well.

Maybe talk to him about instead?

@Dweetfidilove

This sounds quite loaded. What makes you not surprised she's like her abusive father?

How do you mean loaded? I admit it's a sore subject for me because of what he put me through. They are very similar in a lot of ways, very particular about things, never wrong about anything, quite rigid in their outlook, both will hold a grudge if they feel you've "wronged" them. Like peas in a pod, but I didn't think (or maybe hope?) she shared his abusive traits.

What has the boyfriend said when you've dropped hints?

Says he doesn't mind, he enjoys spending the money on her. But I've learned today that his parents have also told him he shouldn't be spending so much on her.

How bad is it that your other daughter felt the need to 'spill the tea' and what is their relationship like? My parents couldn't get me to snitch on my sisters and vice versa

They are very close and there are plenty of things they keep between themselves. Maybe spill the tea is a poor term, sounds like salacious gossip. It was coming from a place of genuine concern for both of them. She told me (after I raised concerns) because she feels sorry for the boyfriend, worried that he's being used and is going to get hurt, says she's destroyed his confidence, that he's changed himself to meet her expectations over the last year, and that she demeans him and feels he is trying to buy her love and approval.

@YabbaDabbaDooooo We have discussed doing this before because there is no incentive for her to earn her own money if he keeps funding her. Apparently she thinks nothing of asking him for a tenner here, twenty there and anytime she can't be bothered walking anywhere or getting a bus, he's ordering ubers for her. I've offered to pay her to do odd jobs around the house while everyone else is at work/school. She's just not interested.

I think I'm going to have to say something to him along the lines of its not helping her.

Who cares how she would perceive it. She's being a bully and if that upsets her, well the truth hurts. Autism isn't a get out of jail free card for any bad behaviour they choose to engage in.

She'll soon learn, he'll dump her and find somebody else nicer.

You are right of course. I think I am conscious of projecting my own feelings about EA having been through it myself with her dad. My instinct is to let her have it both barrels tbh. I've never been completely honest with them about why we split up. Maybe it's time for the truth?

He deserves better and she needs to be better.

I wouldn't give it to her both barrels.I wouldn't shout at her
I would just calmly say, I understand that this is the case in your relationship and detail what she's been doing. Followed by a lecture about taking advantage of people and earning her own money. And about people's patience running out and getting bored of this behaviour.

But don't let autism be a reason for you not to say anything autistic, people don't get to live in a separate world. If their behavior is bad, they need to learn and be told.

I was about to post on here as my son is in a similar situation and his girlfriend is taking the piss out of him. I hadn't thought of it as financial abuse but that's exactly what it is.

@mustytrusty it only occurred to me tonight that's its financial abuse. Sorry to hear your son is going through something similar. Have you spoken to him about it?

I do think you need to separate your daughter and your husband in your mind, or you cannot possibly be objective or parent well.

You do not need to ‘let her have it with both barrels’ or tell her ‘the truth’ about your relationship with her father - these things are about you, not about this situation, and if you approach this in an aggressive way, you won’t get anywhere.

Just tell her, firmly but kindly, she is treating him poorly. She may not react well but being a good parent or friend involves telling people things they don’t want to her. Explain to him that he is helping neither her nor himself. If your degree of concern about him is really serious (and not about you projecting) then uou could also speak to his parents.

I have CPTSD due to childhood abuse and then what I went through at the hands of DD’s “DF”. While he’s been out of the picture for almost 6 years and so not a problem, DD is autistic with PDA traits. I have dealt with ear splitting screaming meltdowns and physical attacks since she was 7. Now 13. I struggle immensely but I cope on a knife’s edge. Believe me when I say that you can cope with what your ex put you through to deal with your DD. Sexual, emotional, verbal, physical and financial abuse here. My DD is the most important thing and I will step over myself to help her in any way. Find that bit of steel back bone you’ve always had and use it to help your DD as best you can. You can’t fix everything but you can point out what she’s doing even if she takes it badly. Do not blame her for her DFs problems. It does not work like that and it’s not fair to tar her with the same brush as him just like that.

I also agree that autism isn’t a get out of jail free card. There is a fine line between autism and poor behaviour. Which is what I’m instilling in my DD.

@theunbreakablecleopatrajones this was the word I was trying to think of - objective! (Bloody perimenopausal brain!) Yes, I'm worried about my ability to be objective because of my own past experiences with her dad. My instinct is to give it to her both barrels because of that, but I should clarify that is NOT what I will actually do! I will keep her dad out of the conversation though.

@Watermelown

Find that bit of steel back bone you’ve always had and use it to help your DD as best you can. You can’t fix everything but you can point out what she’s doing even if she takes it badly. Do not blame her for her DFs problems. It does not work like that and it’s not fair to tar her with the same brush as him just like that.

Thank you. I was in a bit of a tailspin earlier but have more clarity now. This and the other perspectives have really helped. You're right, its not fair to compare her to her dad. I'll sleep on it and decide best way of initiating the conversation tomorrow (also have to deal with PDA here).

You will get a bias opinions here because your daughter is female and is the one who is being abusive. If you posted saying a boyfriend was doing the same to her, lowering her self esteem, making her spend all her money etc the replies would be totally different.

Young men do stupid things. If it's got to the point where she is actually abusing him then you need to explain to her why her behaviour is wrong and tell her it can't happen in your house. You cannot stop their relationship and you cannot stop her being an abuser but you can say that if she wants to continue the relationship she isn't allowed to do so in your home. That is fair. She will explode but then her control and potential cashflow might be being disrupted.

With an autistic child you particularly run the risk of this becoming something she continues. If she expects a partner to pay for her she may find some fool (even if not this one) who will tolerate and sustain her for years, she may eventually realise that having done this, she has left behind a career and her own potential. The cost to get long term will be very damaging. For her self esteem, for her own success outside or a relationship. Does she work now? How does she get money? Is she struggling with employment because of the neuro diversity? These might be explainers in why she is behaving how she is. If being mean and popping off at her boyfriend about what she wants and needs ends with her getting it then it will always be easier than getting a job and buying things for yourself. She does not realise the damage she may be doing to herself.

Autistic people are usually very fair. Maybe be sure doesn't also have a personality disorder because they can sometimes be very similar and would explain her personality perhaps more.

It sounds to me like you have recognised the problem but while they aren't adults you can do something. Just don't do anything that is going to turn this into any Romeo and Juliet fantasy. You can't bam their relationship, but you can say what you're comfortable with in your own home.

I personally wouldn’t talk to him, I think if I was being awful to a boy at 17 - I wasn’t abusive but I’m not proud of my actions at that age and my mum approached him and told him I was abusive or warned him off me in some way I would really struggle to forgive that. It’s a betrayal, and also you run the risk of misinterpreting her actions and motives and ruining your relationship with her.

By all means talk to her about your concerns, try and get her to see your point of view, help her understand that it’s not healthy way to treat someone she is supposed to care for, but don’t go badmouthing her to him as you might not recover your relationship after that

@Anotherparkingthread she doesn't work currently. She left school four weeks ago, she's going to college in September. She has applied for two jobs but no luck so far. She is not particularly motivated and why would she be when her boyfriend is providing everything she wants? I'd not considered the potential damage to her own self esteem and career prospects if she were to continue this behaviour. She's very clear that she wants to earn good money in the future so hopefully i can use this angle to get across the importance of self-discipline and a good work ethic. Ive offered her money in exchange for jobs around the home, but she prefers to spend her time "bed rotting" on her phone. I do get the need for downtime after exams but it's getting a bit much and I worry about her mental health.

@Namechangean no I would never mention abuse to him or badmouth her. We have casually said to him before that he shouldn't spend so much on her but he says he likes to. Hopefully she will come to the realisation herself that its not in anyone's best interests but we'll see.

Not much to add that hasn't already been said, but just wanted to say well done for recognising your own daughter's potentially abusive actions and for wanting to call it out to protect this young man.

I wonder how much abuse could be prevented if other parents did the same.

Ask her how she feels about her partner and if she actually wants to be in a relationship with him. Tell her that if she does you’re worried that he won’t stick around, because while it might take him a while to recognise it, she’s treating him unkindly and taking advantage of him for his money. Say that could happen more quickly now his family are worried about her taking lots of his money and it’ll happen even more quickly if their friends start talking about how she treats him. Add in she might find it difficult to find relationships in the future if people know her as someone who treats partner’s awfully. If she says she doesn’t want to be with him in the longer term and she is open about using him you can use that as an entry point to have an even more direct conversation with her about abusive behaviours, how it is now a criminal offence etc.

This is all very good advice, particularly this.

With an autistic child you particularly run the risk of this becoming something she continues. If she expects a partner to pay for her she may find some fool (even if not this one) who will tolerate and sustain her for years, she may eventually realise that having done this, she has left behind a career and her own potential. The cost to get long term will be very damaging. For her self esteem, for her own success outside or a relationship. Does she work now? How does she get money? Is she struggling with employment because of the neuro diversity? These might be explainers in why she is behaving how she is

I have to say that from lurking on autism threads, not necessarily on here, some on reddit, I do see quite a high proportion of adults with autism, many of them female, saying they can't work because of their autism but with no particular explanation as to why they can't work. Just things like they completely fall apart if you put them in employment, but they're able to cope with other things. They've more often than not found a partner or husband who is the only one working and they've quit work since being with this person.

There was actually a thread on here afew weeks ago in precisely the situation, a woman said she'd never been able to work most of her life because of autism and then she realised that in her advancing years she didn't have a pension of her own and that her entitlement to a state pension would be very low, because she's paid almost no NI. It's the realisation that relying on somebody else is far from an easy solution.

These are level ones and the self diagnosed. I'm not talking about those with moderate or more severe needs. Possibly with a bit of support or finding the right role for them they could work.

I agree that op should encourage her daughter to be self reliant earn her own money and be able to make her own choices in life.

Thank you for answering.

This does sound terrible. He shouldn't be changing himself for her, anymore than I'd be happy with my daughter contorting herself to please a man.

I'm sure you don't, but try not to judge her on her dad's actions, especially if she knows he was abusive. Speak to her objectively though about how her behaviour is affecting her boyfriend.

It's also important that she knows this is not a viable 'career path'. At 17, she's far too young to be caught up in this dynamic and explain to her the vulnerability of being dependent on a man. She should have goals and ambitions for herself.
This boyfriend may tolerate being treated badly, but this level of dependence may be exploited by the next one.

I really hope you can reach her as it must be so painful to watch your own child being horrible to someone else, or even history repeating itself.

Great this ☝️

Op you sound like a great mum, your doing a great job, yes 💯 behind you, it's a difficult one as daughter has autism but your on it,
Good luck with the conversation with her,

@WondererWanderer that's really interesting about what you've noticed. DD is very much not functioning in terms of independence like you would expect an almost 17 year old to be. Even my 9 year old is much more capable in the kitchen for example. DD comes across as lazy but in the last couple of days I'm starting to wonder if she is actually overwhelmed and cannot organise/prioritise/initiate tasks. Yet if you try to help her the pathological demand avoidance kicks in. The phone addiction is not helping. I think I'm looking at a series of conversations here rather than just the one. So much to think about.

If she's told you herself she's worried about the impact on him and all the effects the relationship is having maybe you just need to agree with her and say yes, that is not right and you should end the relationship as you are hurting him.

I agree with your concerns and hope some of the comments are of help. It's not the same as the sex pest Gregg Wallace but autism is not a get out of jail free card for unacceptable behaviour.