All dreams lost

[AllDreamsLost]

Husband said he's bisex - I don't mind suspected as much.
Cheated on me - I very much do mind.

This is the man I planned to grow old with, still find attractive after 22 years.

Didn't even realise until now how many dreams he featured in.

Going back to a same amazing holiday place with the kids.
Being the fun grandparents together.
Even just upgrading the garden.

We were such a good team.

And to cheat on me so much planning must have gone into it.

I trusted him so much. If he hadn't told me I would have never guessed.

Talk to me please. I'm not ready to tell my sister. In the past he would be the first person to talk to.

I think he still thinks it's salvageable. Wants to talk to me, but I can't. Words would not come out.

@AllDreamsLost I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be such a shock. Is he going to move out or can you stay somewhere until you feel better x

I've given up so much to be with him. He too. We overcame so many challenges together, I thought that's it, that's our share of difficulty in life done.

That's how my marriage ended (but without the cheating). He started off saying he was bisexual and eventually said he was "probably just gay".

There was a lot more to it than that, but that's the essence.

The bisexual thing is a red herring to some extent - he cheated. How do you want to address that?

Thank you @shellyleppard . He may have offered I can't recall.

Weirdly I don't mind him being here. One of the things I fell in love with him (part from attraction) was that we could simply be. Exist in the same space without needing to entertain.

We have kids together young secondary so we have to think about them.

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/?fbclid=IwY2xjawLeSLpleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHhLgDTZHQNXsOxZG87uCsIVcgp9RRh1EtKMNVZTWikhNyg4D1JLIjd83eQDC_aem_6YVK9MTV-WxGiAB-UaXxsw

You might find this group helpful. You will find plenty of people who have been through similar.

This is what gets me with these cheating, selfish fucks: they never think about the consequences for their children. Bedding someone else was more important. It's fairly sick, actually.

You weren’t a good team, he was an abusive prick.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this but in time you will realise how much better off you are without him.

Have you been to the sexual health clinic?

@ForgottenWhyImHere I'm sorry you went through that. Have you managed to rebuild your life since?

Thanks for the link also.

Thankfully we had guests so not had the opportunity. I told him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own sake, but of course it's up to him now I'm only looking after the kids and myself.

He is not abusive at all I think it's a very different wrongdoing. Still wrong! Don't think he cheated before we were each other's firsts.

What hurts me most is how much planning must have gone into it.

Yes. I'm now seven years on from that conversation. We'd been together 19 years at the time. 6.5 years separated. It took more than two years to get divorced and he didn't move out for most of that time. It was tough.

Now in a new job, new relationship, and DC are doing well in the main. I am much happier. I don't think I was particularly happy when I was married, but I wanted to believe I was.

DC were in primary and now secondary.

Congrats for job and DC being well. Great news about being happier and in a new relationship too 🙂

I worry about the kids. Once when chatting about friends with separated parents they said they never want us to separate. And it was a really positive chat about how well friends parents co-parent and how respectful they are about each other.

Also they both have their moments not sure how they would cope with a step parent. Not on my side, any relationship I may have would be separate from them.

Thing is, if you asked me yesterday I would say I'm so happy. Have troubles as worries as everyone else, the world is a troubled place right now, but on the whole felt so happy and was counting my blessings.

I still have great things in my life, but I'm so far from family due to a decision we made together when I thought we were on the same team.

Separation is hard for children but it's also hard playing at happy families if you're not. And that takes its toll and puts a different kind of strain on everyone.

My DC found it much easier to accept once they knew their dad was gay. They could understand that we couldn't stay married in those circumstances. They do adapt and adjust.

But you don't have to make any snap decisions. Take time to think about what this means and how you want to handle it. Get some counselling to help sort out your thoughts. Go to your GP if you're struggling.

Thank you! Where is it best to get counselling from?

I wish he was gay. If he was I'm sure that would feel just as bad. And sorry that was the case for you.

But being bi, it's not like he couldn't help who he is, it was a choice.

I also didn't have other relationships and was curious. I'm sure there must be a huge difference between two different men too. I just chose him.

For the kids, I wouldn't want them to repeat the pattern in their relationship.

Not sure what to tell them, need to agree when to tell and what.

Yes, for kids being gay must have made it clearer. Did they then expect him to start a new relationship with a man?

Your husband didn't wake up one morning and decide he's bisexual (or potentially gay), he's always been this way but in denial. Essentially, he's lived a lie, not just to himself but to you too. If you'd known from the start he was bisexual, the likelihood is, you wouldn't have married him. So no, I'm not surprised you are upset, angry and devastated for the life you thought you'd have. Your husband has cheated on you with a man, and no matter how much he may say he wants to salvage the marriage, can you trust him not to cheat again? It's unlikely he will stop meeting men, and will just lie, and sneak around behind your back. This is no way to live your life. Sadly, I think it's the end of the road for your marriage. You need to talk to your husband, because like it or not, your children will need to know the truth (apart from telling them he cheated).

Why did he tell you? Was he feeling guilty? Was it a one time thing or an ongoing emotional relationship too?

I would be worried that he is remorseful because he’s worried about changing his life so drastically. But the reality is he wasn’t satisfied in your marriage or he wouldn’t have gone looking. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you — but rather he has some issues he needs to work out. I definitely wouldn’t be giving him another chance unless I knew without a shadow of a doubt our life was the one he wanted and I truly believed he would never risk it again.

Being each other’s firsts could mean he felt he missed out on the part of him that could ‘explore’. He’s likely having a midlife crisis where he is scared to have missed opportunities in life. But the sad thing is, those empty experiences would be no comparison to the love and life you have built together.

Being bisexual isn't a choice. But how he conducts himself & the choices he makes, are. Plenty of parents are bi. It doesn't make them bad parents .

What does matter is what this means for your relationship? Do you trust him?
Can you find a way forward together?

Your third paragraph is spot on I think.

He felt very bad I saw that, I just waited for our visiting friends to leave before asking what was wrong.

It's too early to tell whether I could trust him in the future. I would like to, but I wouldn't want to always look behind my back. It will be a hard decision but I need to stay true to myself. I can forgive but can't remain his wife.

It might take me 2 years or more as it did for @ForgottenWhyImHere .

For tomorrow I'd like to stay in denial a bit longer and be the best mum for my kids.

Thank you.

Good question about getting married if knowing more. I was young (even for my age) and naive when we got married but really loved him.

Cheating doesn't depend on being straight, gay or bi someone who married their first love can still feel they missed out.

I also felt like this at times myself! Just didn't act on it.

Exactly. No I don't think I can trust him. Due circumstances I won't go into he had to go to considerable effort to make it happen.