Sneaky partner

[TheCalmSwan]

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here other than support to do what I need to do.

me and my partner have been together for 9 years and have two kids together. A few months ago I found out he had been messaging another girl, the messages weren’t good but they wasn’t terrible just flirty. I chose to forgive him and since then have been genuinely the happiest we have been, he has been going to therapy and helping out a lot more. We have been prioritising our relationship outside of the children and I thought everything was great.

fast forward to now and I’ve found out that he has been calling in sick to work. He works from home so he has just been sitting in his office all day 8-6 playing video games and watching YouTube while I struggle with the kids in the other room. We also went on a family holiday where he wouldn’t get the Monday and Tuesday off work so he joined us on Wednesday but also since found out he did have the whole week off and again just stayed at home doing god knows that pretending to be at work.

i have asked him to leave while i get my head together but for the sake of the children I just don’t know if this is something that I can get over. As I said I don’t really know what I’m looking for here I just want to rant really 😂 obviously all my friends and family think I’m a mug for even considering staying but I’m conflicted

Gosh that’s not good at all, he can’t be trusted and has no qualms leaving you to struggle with the children etc while pretending to be at work. Please show him the door and keep it permanently shut if he tries to come back with a fake apology.

He's checked out the relationship, texting other women, not helping with the children.

Tell him to pull his weight or you will move out and leave him with the kids

There's no parenting team energy from him. He lies to you and leaves all the donkey work to you, knowing you are struggling and doesn't lift a finger.

This isn't someone you'd want by your side as you age and may need support and strength from.

I think you did the right thing kicking him out.

Why would you want to “get over this? (Other than not wanting the upheaval)
How many times does he have to show you he doesn't care, support or respect you ?

Why would you want to stay with this man?

He lies so he doesn't have to spend time with you and your children. He messages other women. He calls in sick to work to play video games again, to allow him peace and quiet away from you and your children.

What does he actually bring to the relationship?

That’s shocking - calling in sick to work so he can play computer games. He sounds like he’s fed up with being a proper adult - we all get fed up with adulting from time to time but we don’t get to ditch our responsibilities. You are under no obligation to get over this!

It sounds like he is desperate to escape from you and the kids and have time to switch off.
Are you more bothered by the calling in sick than by the contact with the other woman? Either way it's not good, he should be doing his share - when do you get a day off?

Texting other women, gaming instead of working, he's looking to cheat and he lies about things that are vital to your lives.

Why would you stay? You'd be a fool to trust him again. He's a Flake who is trying to get out of adulting. You can't force him to be a trustworthy, honest man.

There's no rug big enough to sweep that under.

When you got back together before, did he do any therapy? Was there any work done to get insight into why he was flirting with another woman? Did he ever give you really honest answers about that?

If you just let him back in, he knows he can pull the wool over your eyes and a bit of good behaviour is all it takes to go on until his next dopamine hit.

That is awful, what an absolute cunt leaving you to do all the work. I honestly dont see a way this will ever be okay.

Don’t stay with a man who is checking out of family life because of your kids. They’re not on his priority list

Hes an immature twat - a married father living like he’s a teenage fuckboy gaming and messaging women for attention.

Id be very very very suspicious that he didn’t spend those two days alone.

How unattractive. He’s selfish, unreliable, immature and untrustworthy. What makes it worse is he was apparently going to therapy while continuing this behaviour. If he can’t self reflect on this whilst he is actively engaged in therapy it shows he doesn’t have the tools to change and he was never serious about it. I think the likelihood of him achieving long term meaningful change now is slim so you have to take him as he is. Do you want to be with this man now he has shown you who he is?

Op why oh why!! Why is he doing this, so sneaky hiding away pretending to work, and as for the holiday well that's unforgivable, what excuse has he given for this behaviour,

It's not exceptable but you know this,
You deserve much more op,

I'd be done with him. No conflicting feelings whatsoever. This will be the tip of the iceberg, and he didn't feel conflicted about lying to you or his boss.

He's not a 'partner' in any sense of the world. He sees you as someone he can fool - in the same way as he sees work as being something he can opt out.

There's no way I'd consider giving him a single more minute of my time. We'd be over.