Am I finally healing or am I distracted

[Littleflower98]

I recently got broken up with over the phone & he instantly started sleeping with girls and went ice cold. All the other times I’ve tried to end things he wouldn’t let me.. (long story) I went abit crazy with constantly phoning him, arguing, showing up at his house.

had my last phone call with him end of June. Where I just said to myself enough. I was getting treated like a mug and I was blind

I’ve blocked him off everything and I haven’t looked back. I do get a lot of thoughts of him with other women and I hate myself for having these thoughts. I wish they would go!!

he showed up at my house the other day, I answered the intercom and he had the audacity to say can he come in, I put the phone down and never said a word he then he left a note in my letter boxtelling me to unblock and stop ignoring him and that were apparently arguing. He also emailed me: I’ve not replied to anything.

im not sure if I’m healing & I feel like I should be over this by now. I’ve decided to work on myself but atm I just hate myself and I feel so embarrassed. I will never go back to him or contact him as to me it’s like a humiliation ritual.

is there anything I can do to stop the thoughts. I shouldn’t have such a parasite running through my mind.

Everything you’re doing is great. You’re right to keep him blocked and gone. Our head often knows what’s needed before our heart is quite ready: there’s usually a bit of time between taking the steps you need to take (which you have done) and our heart learning to feel indifferent. You will get there.

Healing is a process which takes time. It’s usually not completely linear - it’s a bit of a rollercoaster and you will probably find that some days you will feel better than others but over time your indifference will grow and you will have more good days than bad and eventually you will feel completely “over him”.

It sounds like this guy treated you badly when you were together. Unfortunately there aren’t many healthy depictions of love relationships in drama. We’re taught that love is about pain and longing. That’s wrong. A healthy relationship with a right partner will feel easy: you will feel secure; you will be happy together; there will be fun and joy. And this is crucial - a good partner will support you to live an open and inspired life - they will encourage you to expand your horizons and they will support you in your ambitions. A partner with whom you feel anxious and diminished is a bad partner.

@Dery Thankyou I really hope so, I’ve been through so much emotional abuse and trauma with this man. I just want out of it all and to finally move on and find my worth. I can’t even think to sleep or get with another man for a very long time

@Littleflower98 - yes, it’s a good idea to take time to find yourself again. You may even benefit from some therapy to rebuild yourself after the bad relationship.

But also - focus on what you enjoy and your work, your interests and your hobbies. Enjoy having time to spend on yourself and with family and friends. Take your time and be gentle with yourself.

If you have the inclination - there was a poster on here whose username was something like “Runningintherain”. You might be interested to read her thread. Her boyfriend ended the relationship by text completely out of the blue and without explanation. The threads describe her journey. It took time (as it does) but she got to a very good place. You will, too.

Well done for staying strong! I know only too well how these toxic cycles play out and how challenging it can be to stay no contact with someone when you know it’s for the best, even when you are ruminating over everything.

You showed incredible strength ignoring him at your door and his messages after. That’s your first step of healing; setting boundaries and knowing your worth.

I am a few months ahead of you in this and I promise it will get easier and the rumination does decrease. Most of the rumination really comes down to you questioning “how did I end up in a situation with someone so awful?”

Everyone will tell you to keep busy, and this is important, make lovely plans with lovely people, treat yourself to whatever it is you enjoy (for me it was massages, nails, some new clothes).

But there’s also a lot of healing to be found in spending time alone, reading, having an early night and generally just looking after yourself.

You are doing the work already, and will continue to heal and get stronger x

Well done you for putting the phone down. You're brilliant. You don't need to let shitty people back into your life. You owe them nothing.

Keep him blocked and if he keeps harassing you then go to the police.

You don't need another man. You just need peace and time to find yourself and your own joy again.

It will get easier. But it starts with you making the commitment to yourself to protect yourself.

Maybe look in a mirror and practice affirmations like 'I deserve a happy life, free from abuse' and 'i will protect you from bad people who try to steal your joy' and 'i don't owe bullies second chances'. Etc...