Self sabotage or justified reason to leave?

[ZNC]

A few days ago I posted about my husband sending inappropriate texts to women, which he has done for the whole 11 years of our relationship. I’ve asked him time and time again to not do it and drawn clear boundaries but he still does it.

I know deep down that it is just texts. And I confronted him about it again and he explained he’s disappointed in me because he thought I knew him better, and to know it’s all jovial and with no malice. I feel like I’ve maybe over played it in my head now. I’ve been seriously considering asking for divorce but I’m starting to think that I’m self-sabotaging. I feel like I’ve been let down or left by anyone I’ve cared about (my mum passed away, my parents separated due to DV, my boss committed suicide) and I’m not sure if I’m just ruining my marriage for myself because it’s what I expect now. On the other hand, he knows all of the loss and hurt I’ve dealt with and still continues to hurt me.

The texts are one side of it. The other fundamental reason I’d want divorce is that he always prioritised work. Some days he needs to be there, but 80% of the time he can pick and choose. But he always chooses work over family. Some examples include, he went to work when I was waiting for him to pick me up from the maternity hospital after having our first baby, he went to work the day after I had surgery to remove a baby I’d miscarried, he moaned and made me feel like a pain in the ass when I was readmitted to hospital 3 weeks after having our 2nd baby… because it meant he couldn’t go to work and had to look after our toddler. I don’t know how extreme it needs to be for me to be a priority, even birthing our kids, and being admitted to hospital doesn’t let me trump work.

Overall, we get on well, he’s a good dad, we don’t really argue. So I’m left wondering if it’s really that bad that it justified a divorce, or if I’m being dramatic, or maybe protecting myself from future hurt by getting a divorce? I’m so so so confused about my future, and what’s best for the kids. Don’t really know what I’m expecting from posting this…laying awake with a million thoughts in my mind like most nights.

He sounds like a shit husband sorry. You deserve someone who listens when you tell them something is hurting your feelings, and changes it. He has prioritised getting his ego (and potentially other things) stroked by other women, and has put you and his children lower down the list than his work, again probably ego driven. He wants to feel like he’s irreplaceable at work, if he’s not there it will all fall apart no doubt. Meanwhile, his family is falling apart.

He sounds selfish and thoughtless, and he’s gas lighting you by trying to make you think this is ok behaviour. It isn't. You’re not sabotaging anything, he is.

I’d have left a long time ago, but I appreciate that it isn’t so easy when you’re doubting yourself. He’s taking the piss. Divorce him and see if he’s able to prioritise his kids for one night a week. All his hard work can go towards paying you decent maintenance for the other 6 nights a week when they’re with you. Or maybe miracles will happen and he’ll offer 50/50, giving you plenty of time to meet someone new who won’t make you feel like an inconvenience.

You’re definitely right about the ego thing when it comes to work, he’s always put it before me and before we had kids, he promised me he wouldn’t put it before the kids. But the day our first was born, that went out the window! He was in work when I went in to labour with our 2nd despite being on paternity leave as she was overdue. It’s really grinding me down now.

I don’t want 50/50 with the kids, this is what scares me, that id have to have days in the week where I don’t see them. And I don’t see myself meeting anyone else, the kids are only 2yo and 7months old, I don’t think there’s a huge pool of men looking for a woman with baggage like that.

I feel like it’s selfish to leave and break up the children’s home life for my own needs/wants.

I remembered your other thread OP and I've just reread it.
I honestly dont know how you have put up with his behaviour for so long. The fact that he never seems to have made you his priority, never been considerate of you. But he lavished attention on other women.
You deserve so much better OP.

If it wasn’t for the children I’d be long gone. I wish I’d acted on the red flags at the start of our relationship but I’ve been sucked in my love and a lovely home and lifestyle, and now im feeling trapped. But I wouldn’t have my children if I’d have left him sooner so I can’t have any regrets. It’s so complicated, and every time I get things in order in my mind, something else pops up which makes me think ‘no maybe leaving isn’t the right thing’ and it’s definitely easier to stay, for so many reasons.

Do you really think someone as selfish and obsessed with work would have the DCs 50/50?

What are you sabotaging? How happy are you in this marriage?

and I’m not sure if I’m just ruining my marriage for myself because it’s what I expect now @ZNC

You're not the one ruining your marriage.

How did this idea of you self sabotaging come about?

You need to trust yourself and trust your intuition more.

You're not self sabotaging to protect yourself from hurt in the future, you're simply trying to protect yourself right now.
You don't want to keep being hurt. Who would?
That's not sabotage. That's protection and makes complete sense.

You don't need to justify the decision to divorce. You aren't happy with him.
However, if you're looking for objective input as to whether or not he is awful enough to deserve to be left, he is, and then some. Don't waste any more of your life on somebody so uncaring and disrespectful. It isn't good for your children to see this kind of behaviour being normalized either. Remember that he isn't actually a good dad if he's unkind to the mother of his children.

He absolutely won’t go for 50/50, hence me saying “maybe miracles will happen”. This type never do, but they like to threaten you with it to keep you in line or to dodge paying child support .

Rest assured he may end up having them to stay one night a week or every other weekend. Just often enough to present to the world that he’s a doting dad without actually cramping his style or dragging him away from work. It means you get the occasional night to see friends or relax at home with a takeaway. The first couple of times I cried the whole time, but I soon looked forward to the odd night to myself. Its hard work being a single mum, but soo much better than being married to a self centred prick.

"I know deep down that it is just texts"

It is absolutely not just texts @ZNC, it's a total lack of respect for you.

The first time you didn't set your boundary, he saw that as carte blanche to do whatever he wanted without consequence.

Here is your dilemma, "the kids are only 2yo and 7months old" that is tough, no doubt.

So young though, is it possible they won't even remember, honestly.

How old would they have to be, in your mind, not to have a detrimental impact upon them?

Perhaps ask yourself, exactly how much of your life are you prepared to sacrifice to this person who treats you with such disdain.

Your relationship is going nowhere really, you do know this.

Kindly, I'm not sure that the kids would be the reason to stay. He doesn't prioritise the kids by the sounds of it. You will be the one showing up for school shows or sports or supporting them in whatever is important to them. He'll choose work.

Sometimes people post just for a rant, some post for validation that their relationship is as bad as they think.
I think you're the latter.
It sounds like you've had enough.
Your "D"h is not a good H or a good father to your dc.
A good H and a good df has respect, care, consideration and love for his dw, the mother of his dc.
Your H has none of these.
You don't need a reason or an excuse, you are allowed to just have had enough.
As a woman approaching 60, the one thing I've learnt is that life's is short, far too short to waste on someone like your dh.
You think you won't survive, you will.
Your lifestyle will change, probably but you'll adapt.
H may want 50/50, he won't, he's not interested now, how will he do his big, important job while having the dc 50% of the time?
Will it be scary started again, yep but you'll do it.
Will you eventually be happier when you remove this obstacle (H) from your life, definitely!
Think how nice it would be to close your own front door and relax with your dc without your H making you feel worthless.
Bliss!
Only you can make the decision but I, for one, am rooting for you ❤️

He's not a good Dad. Why do women always say this when their posts reveal the opposite? You have never been prioritised OP or treated with any consideration and neither have your children. Ending things would not be self sabotage but self preservation!

Why would you put up with this from him? You and your children deserve better than this.

Posters on here always seem to describe really selfish and pretty neglectful fathers as a 'good dad'. They aren't and your husband definitely isn't. How on earth are these examples being a good dad:

'he went to work when I was waiting for him to pick me up from the maternity hospital after having our first baby'

'he moaned and made me feel like a pain in the ass when I was readmitted to hospital 3 weeks after having our 2nd baby… because it meant he couldn’t go to work and had to look after our toddler.'

He is a terrible father and an even worse husband. You would absolutely be justified to end the marriage. He will threaten to want 50/50 access to the children or even, as some dads do 'full custody', which isn't even a thing any more, but that would just be to scare you. He couldn't give a shit about his kids or his wife.

I know that the things he has done are unacceptable, but it is hard to know what happens in other people’s marriages, and how does mine compare. I know that so many women put up with so much more for their childrens happiness which is why I’m left wondering if I’m overplaying it in my mind.

Our current situation is that I’ve spoken to him about it, twice in two weeks, and he’s said sorry and continued to act like nothing has happened. He can’t even see that I’m still hurt, I think he genuinely thinks that it’s all resolved now because I’ve had my say and he’s said sorry. I’ve booked to see a counsellor on Monday so I can say everything I need to say out loud and see if it makes any more sense to me. I’m playing along like everything is fine, which seems to be my talent, but then I’m thinking, well maybe everything is actually fine now? Should I leave him for things that have happened in the past if things are fine now? I’m so confused.

When I see someone in what is clearly not a healthy relationship say that they don't argue as a pro of that relationship, I always wonder why they don't argue. Maybe you don't argue because you just suck it up. Maybe because he's just so detached it would be like arguing with a wall. Maybe both. Maybe other reasons. Not saying non-stop rows are a good thing but the complete absence of them can be for reasons that are definitely not a positive thing.