Jealous friend

[Ledzepamz]

So my partner of 11 yrs has this friend who he sees as a best friend from school , has never really warmed to me neither his wife. My husband was married before me and they all had this long friendship group of 13 yrs so me coming into their lives I guess was a bit different. We got together after their marriage broke up (the wife cheated) and a lot of his friends are still friends with her, I guess be because the amount of time they've known her. I moved location and left family/friends behind to be with him. We very quickly got pregnant and are now happily married with a 9 yr old. In many social gatherings I've had them talking about his ex in front of me " have you heard from xxx?" And just inappropriate conversations like " oh you had your son was an accident wasn't it, I've got to say we were a bit miffed as we were trying through IVF and you just came along and popped one out" I've only ever been nice and friendly to all of his friends but recently I feel I've had enough. Is 11 yrs still not enough time to finally except me and except he's moved on. Why can't they be happy for him and stop with the comments? I now dread any social gatherings incase they come out with something against me or to make me feel uncomfortable. I've explained how it makes me feel to my husband but he just has so much respect for his friend , he agreed it wasn't nice for her to say what she did but I feel I'm at the end of my tether and I just wanna scream " why are you constantly going on about his ex still and living in the past?!

If you respond firmly but politely, they will start to change. What they’ve been doing over the years is bullying you. Just don’t let them bully you.
Your husband should also speak up. Even though he has so much respect for his friends, they are not showing the same respect to his wife.
Also you are the only one can protect yourself from other. Show your worth by speaking up for yourself and you will see a difference very quickly

Why do they ask him about his ex, does he still see her or has her on Facebook or similar?
If not, I'd just say to them, "I'm sure you know more than we do after X years" and leave it at that.

I wouldn’t go. Your husband should have told them to knock it off years ago but he sounds like a mug. If my friends asked me about a cheating ex they wouldn’t stay my friends 🤷‍♀️

No he doesn't see /speak to her. I think for some reason they all feel sorry for her. She ended it but has ended up now single living in a different town and he's ended up married to me with a child. I think it's just pure jealousy. But yeah why they still speak to her is beyond me, it's weird! If they mention something tonight I will just say "god change the record are we still talking about this?!" I'm too nice to start an argument. I just thought everyone's adults why be so mean just because someone's new (well not new after 11 yrs) my husband's a bit of a Mr nice guy so he very rarely has confrontation. We've had arguments about it before.

Your H would rather stand there and watch this mean girl act against you, then tell this woman stop. Yeah, that’s , that’s a weak person standing by while the person they love is being disrespected because it’s easier.

For some unknown reason, you and your H have chosen to accept this woman’s bullshit and it’s not because you’re too nice and it’s not out of respect he has for this woman or their supposed friendship. This woman is wiping her feet all over you because she’s a bitch and partly because you don’t object. What’s the worse that could happen if you did scream at her to pipe the fuck down? Would her ‘friendship’ be such a great loss?

You’re playing a role in this toxic dynamic and you don’t have to.

So your DH has a lot of respect for this woman who is openly and regularly rude to his wife? His wife who is trying hard, still after 11 years, to be nice to his friends? Fuck that. He should be standing up for you, firstly by saying something to his friend in private that it’s time to stop. And if that doesn’t work, in front of everyone/or by stopping seeing her.
If he won’t do that I’d be losing a bit of respect for my husband letting him know I’ll no longer be joining him for any gatherings with this friend, as you’ve definitely endured enough by now. She’s a rude bully and there’s no need for it.

This is a problem with you and your husband, and he’s totally missing the point. He should be sticking up for you and not tolerating this awful woman bullying you, “to keep the peace”! You need to have a serious talk with him about how her behaviour is affecting you and what you expect him to do about it. You’re supposed to look forward to social gatherings. They are meant to be fun, not fraught with anxiety and bullying! I had a problem with my husband’s best friend being nasty to me & it eventually ended their friendship. I didn’t ever give hubby an ultimatum, although I got very upset a couple of times. I just told him to see him on his own, but I would not have anything more to do with him. On balance, my husband came to the conclusion that if his friend wasn’t happy for him and was causing problems, it was a toxic friendship he was better off without.

They do it because they know you're a bit insecure and that they will get a reaction.
You seem to focus a lot on explaining how happy you are and that the baby was planned.
They do it because they can. They know your husband will not stick up for you so you're an easy target. You have a husband problem.