Hubby going thru crisis - possibly midlife crisis? Dunno wot to do

[RobbieRobsYumYum]

My dh recently told me he'd been unhappy for the last year or so. He's 42. Started off that it was my fault for being a nag - running his life - the usual that goes with being an imperfect female such as myself, but then as we spoke more it really turns out he's having some sort of crisis and the times I may have pointed out the odd mistake he's made haven't helped they way he was feeling. He says he feels emotionless and yet says he really loves me and the kids but can't cope with being around us. He says he wants space and to be alone completely and yet he also says that he knows he has a good thing here and knows walking out wont solve it as its himeslf he has the problem with. I'm trying hard to be patient, understading, keep stress away from him, bite my tongue (which is geting very sore at this stage) I'm trying really hard to understand what he's going through but I can't get my head around it. I've had my moments myself over the years but have been able to get through it with prozac, family and friends to support me - he was crap at the time and just thought I should snap out of it - I'm a talker and want to find solutions and he isn't when it comes to emotions. Those close to me are saying to give him space, get him to seek help and work at it as they believe our relationship is worth it, which I do to but am I being naiive? I'm finding myself unable to cope with the strain and I really don't want it to rub off on my gorgeous kids. He doesn't want to be told to get help - so do I just sit it out and wait til it gets to crisis and the point of no return - or do I sit back and hope that he will seek help - and I mean us as a couple seek help - or on his own. Feel I'd do almost anything to get him and I through this but I'm feeling it extremely hard. Advice please!!!

This must be horribly hard for you. Myself, I would be looking for an underlying cause to it. There isn't an OW in the frame is there? (I'm sorry to ask that, it's just my suspicious nature based on my own experience. Don't mean to cause pain or offence).

This is tough - my dh recently went throught somehting similar - lots of little things that had been on his mind just overwhelmed him (men do tend to bottle things up don't they)

He went to see a counsellor which was ok, but he decided not to go again as he felt we could do just as much talking to each other. We looked at all the things he was feeling and have put things in place to try and help. Does your dh have any hobbies/interests that he does away from work & home? This was a big factor with dh - we all need some time away with our own friends etc - is there anything he ejoys doing?

My guess is like littlewoman that there must be underlying reasons for him feeling like this - can the 2 of you get some quality time alone to talk?

Personally, I'd give him an ultimatum- get help, or shut up and get back to normal- sounds harsh, but it does sound as if he is wallowing in this, but also in denial that he has a problem- possibly depression.

The fact that he doesn't want to seek help implies either he knows the reason for his mood, but won't tell you- or he is afraid of finding out things about himself. In either case he is burying his head in the sand.

If he won't seek help at all, would you go for counselling on your own/ it might help you find a way through it and him.

"The fact that he doesn't want to seek help implies either he knows the reason for his mood, but won't tell you- or he is afraid of finding out things about himself".

I agree.

He's hardly likely to recover without facing up to the problem, and it's unfair to expect you to live in limbo whilst he dithers.

Depression sprang to my mind straight away - especially the emotionless part. many people mistakenly think depression is all about feeling low, for some people its about feeling nothing or feeling numb. That being the case you do need to gently push him towards gettiing help for this otherwise it will affect and possibly ruin your relationship as well as his relationship with his kids.

Gently is the key word here - issuing ultimatums is unlikely to achieve anything, he needs to know you're there supporting him but you do need to be firm and unwavering, he needs to get help for his own sake first and his families second

He has promised hand on heart that there is no-one else and I think I believe him as much as I can! He says he doesn't want to be around anyone. I don't know what the underlying cause is - I think perhaps he's reached that stage where life was getting a bit easier - we've been married for nearly 14 years and in that time lost both our mothers, his dad re-married a witch, we had 8 miscarriages, 3 lovely children - our youngest is 3, and probably for the first time in years it seems like life is all I ever dreamed of. Perhaps now is the time the grief of the past is catching up on him. I know mine did after the relief I felt when I finally had our 3rd child. I think he had a very repressive upbringing and has no family to turn to as they aren't close. I used to wonder where they got him from but now the traits I've seen in his family are creeping out in him! I do think he could be depressed. I appreciate your responses ? thank you.

Sorry to say but ow sprang to mind too. My h acted like that for about a year - saying he needed space there was no-one else he didnt want to be near anyone - bollocks. There was someone else and he just used to sit and think about the 'good'times with her and not the 'normal' times with us.

Try and make some time just the two of you if you can and show him what he really has.

There must be something causing this if not ow then could be the past but whatever it is you cant carry on like this - afraid to speak to him for fear of him leaving - he must open up to you or a counsellor and get it sorted.
I too have suffered depression and it is awful but there is help too - could you suggest some alternative therapies. I like reflexology but you could suggest a massage and a day spa for the 2 of you instead. It doesnt all have to be pills.

Take care and hope you work it out soon.

maybe he is just depressed. is he happy at work? my dh has been feeing the same way for a few months, but he is very unhappy at work. my dh has been to dr and he diagnosed depression. i really dont think my dh has ow. so maybe yr dh is depressed.

Sounds like depression to me. Book him an appointment with your GP and take him there yourself.

yes.. thats what i had to do... take him to the dr. you then get to tell the dr exactly how it is. my dh didnt realize he was that bad til then. he is now taking tablets and beginning to feel better.

first off, you are not in competition with each other so it doesn't matter how well you coped with crisis, although I would say if he is going to complain to you about his problems and how unhappy he is then he really can't expect you not to 'nag' get pissed off or tell him to get help. I agree you need to tell him that he needs to get help

the thing i find is if i nag... my husband just clams up and says im not helping. i therefore keep quiet, so i dont rock the boat, which makes me angry. you need to get him the the gp.