Moving areas after marriage separation

[Blueberryangel]

Feeling so down about this and don't know what to do.

My ex and I split almost 2 years ago after 20 years of marriage. We have 3 dc, all teens. The youngest is in year 8, so has potentially 5 years of school left (including 6th form).

My ex moved out of the family home and rents somewhere in the same town. I'm still in the family house. We have a split of around 65 (me)/35 (him) re custody of the kids.

My issue is, I am feeling more and more that I want to move. Not just out of this house, but relocating somewhere completely different. The family home is old and was bought as a renovation project. It's half finished and needs loads of work doing to it. It's really stressful that every week there seems to be something else that needs fixing - at the moment there's no water in the kitchen, and 5 fence panels in the garden have fallen down. My ex is no help at all (even though we both own the house).

We are managing to fund two households by both our salaries and eating into our savings. We will have to sell the family home in a few years anyway as we are going to run out of savings and won't be able to afford it long term.

We have been in the current area for over 10 years. The kids went to primary school here. I think part of the reason I'm finding it all so difficult is all the memories. I feel like I can't move on and make a fresh start. Not to mention my ex is down the road, and always popping over, which is nice for the dc but not for me. I literally know no one else who is single or separated/ divorced- all my local friends are married and with kids and I just feel like I don't fit in any more.

The only reason that I feel I should stay in the family house and in the area for a few more years is our youngest dc, who loves his school and friends. I just don't know how he'd adapt to moving areas and schools.

I am dreaming about a fresh start where I can meet new people, and make new memories with me and my dc. It would also be good to be in a cheaper area and have less of a mortgage, and less repairs on the house too. When we do eventually sell the house, I will have to move to a cheaper area, as I won't be able to afford a house in this area. It's just about whether I do it sooner rather than later. My ex says he's also going to move areas in a few years time, probably to Wales, which is currently 5 hours from here. I don't want to be too far from him, as I don't feel its fair on the dc. I just don't know what to do, it all feels insurmountable.

Has anyone been in my position and what did you do? Or anyone got any advice/ thoughts? Thank you!

Could you downsize and stay in the same area?
Could two of the children share a room?
Could you get a place with a large kitchen dining space and not need the living room so use it as a bedroom. Maybe sacrifice having a garden or flat out go for an apartment instead?

I wouldn't be waiting more years to leave. It's just more work. But if you like the area you are in then downsizing may be the way to go.

Okay so I’ll be the stereotypical oversimplistic man:
First thing is you’ve got to sell. You can’t afford it and frankly a house that needs constant attention isn’t ideal for single parent.
Moving away from your ex? Not an issue as he’s already said he plans to move hours away at some stage, Really it’s only a barrier if you rely on him for help with childcare.
So you’re free to go wherever - that’s affordable.
You don’t say the ages of your older kids, but if you’ve got one in year 8 - now is the time to move. Like - right now! GCSE options etc start next year so the longer he goes on, the harder it might be to adapt to a new school and curriculum. I’d be looking to throw money at the house now to make it saleable and start looking at options.

I would seek advice from a solicitor before you move - internal relocation when you have DCs can be tricky and really you need to ask permission if he spends time with them, and you moving would compromise that. Ignore the PP that says it’s not an issue. It is.

If your youngest is settled, happy and has friends, don't move towns unless you really need to. It's too risky IMO. The grass may look greener but you might be taking for granted what you have. Your DC being happy, settled, getting on at school and having friends is huge, and not guaranteed. He may find the move tough, and he may not make friends. Or he may hate his school, or be bullied, or find it too unsettling on top of the split.

Instead, make the life you want in your town.

Sell the house and buy something more suitable in a different area. Don't give your ex a key and put some boundaries in place over when he can come round, if at all.

Make an effort to find new friends
You say you live in a town not a village, there must be loads of people out there you don't know yet.

Then, when 5 years or so passes, move on if you still want to.

Those 5 years are much more important, developmentally, for your DS than you, and irreplaceable if it goes wrong.

Having a bit of a crap 5 years in your 30s/40s/50s is nothing compared to being forced to move to somewhere you really don't want to be, from 13-18.

This is bang on. OP think about which you’d rather - you being deeply unsettled and unhappy or your youngest DS potentially? Your call but if it was me would stay in same area until he’s through secondary school. Then world your oyster.

Thanks everyone for the ideas and advice. Thinking about it, it probably is best if I stay in this area for now - it's hard as I really feel like I'd love a fresh start somewhere else, but actually the priority is my dc, their wellbeing and happiness, and they are settled here.

The reason I didn't want to downsize right now in this area is that I didn't want to have to move house, go through all the expense and stress and then potentially have to move again to a new, cheaper area in a few years when my dc have finished education. So I'm going to have to think about whether I can just suck it up and stay in this house for the new few years...!

I think part of it too is that I'm feeling a bit isolated and that I don't fit in to this town anymore - as I mentioned, everyone seems to be in the traditional family set up, which I'm not any more. So I probably need to start branching out and meeting new people and making some new friends!