Have you had abusive relationships then gone on to a new (good) one? Any tips?

[TheBunnyLover]

I split with an abusive, difficult ex in 2023-had a 'big' thread on it about moving in with one another, at the time (split part way through the thread).

I have now met someone else. And It's seeming great. However It's also long distance like the last one albeit not quite as much (an hour and 15 mins ish drive).

We've really 'clicked' and love one another's company.

I am scared I am going to ruin it with my 'afflictions' from the last relationship however!

I've already had 'the talk' about the fact that I do not want to relocate and she's assured me that it would be her who'll do that if we have that longevity-but 'That's what the last one said' is always on my mind.

She seems very happy with me.

Anyway my main question is in the title-of course I have worked on myself and I spent a lot of time alone and was happy again, did my own thing, worked on my situation and mindset-I have had therapy (still in it!) and feel that I am doing well.

What helped you through things?

Yes. With myself.

I found I had to work out why I'd overlooked the red flags in the first place (we see them, but explain them away - why?).

I actually had an epiphany when a flaky partner accused me of being emotionally unavailable. I realised I was. It's why I repeatedly chose men where on some level I knew it could never work.

Such as long distance when I had no intention of ever moving - even 30 minutes away to meet in the middle.

In fact, she is overlooking that amber alert from you - a man who is unwilling to relocate but happy to get into a relationship with someone a long distance away.

Yes, I have!

About the abusive relationship... I was 21 and still heavily affected by my narcissistic abusive father. Fell in love with a man who was a carbon copy of my father, but it was a huge blind spot at the time. Spent about 6 years trying to love him hard enough to prove that I was worthy of being loved. It was horrible. It chipped away at my self esteem. When I finally realised I needed to get away, it even escalated to psysical abuse, which luckily helped me put an end to the relationship.

About a year later I met my husband. I had invested a lot into myself and my mental health. Became more confident, more assertive, ... However, I can't say that I was really ready for the kind of stability that my husband was bringing to the relationship. A while into the relationship I realised that I was bringing in some unhealthy patterns that were left over from my childhood and the last relationship. The safe space my husband held for me helped me see that I had a few demons left in me and that I would have to work on them in order to accept the peace he was bringing in.
I've been in therapy ever since, and it's made a massive difference. My husband is wonderful, but he's not perfect - nobody is. And right now I'm able to communicate so much more clearly about what I need from him, in a calm and non-dependant manner, rather than being emotionally triggered and jumping into a victim-mentality.

I love my husband to bits, but the most noticable change is actually in the fact that I love myself more. And that means that I can look at my own behaviour and see where I'm messing up, and that's okay because I'm still loveable even when I mess up. It allows me to grow and learn on a foundation of self confidence. And I can look at his behaviour and see where he messes up, and lovingly tell him to stop because I deserve better. And if he wants to learn and grow with me, I'm there for it. But if he ever stops wanting to learn and grow, then I'm out. Because I like that he loves me, but I don't need him to love me. I can do that all on my own.

Thank you, this is very helpful. And in a non-mumsnettty way, are you me? 😂

I am a lesbian but I was in an awful relationship again aged 21 which looking back i can see i put up with due to my abusive father's behaviour and the effect it had had on me. I stayed with that man and yes, tried my best to love him and let him get away with treating me like some subordinate.

I definitely have moved on from that pattern now, but my last relationship (i was late 30s by that point too!) Is testament that it still had a legacy.
I have very much learnt to love myself in the time since that last relationship. I appreciate me, give myself more time and rest more.

I dont want to ruin this new relationship by being too selfish e.g I've told her I dont want to move away and dont want long distance for long, she's said she's quite happy to come to me most of the time however I WFH she doesn't so in theory I could be at hers half the week every week wheresas she's confined to weekends.

Nice to meet my twin on here!

There is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself.
I actually heard someone use the word 'selfful' a while ago. It's a way to say you're not selfish, but you're putting your needs first, where they belong. Selfish has that connotation that you're causing harm to someone else, while selfful is just a way of being good to yourself.

And I actually think it's much better to start off with healthy, strong boundaries and letting them slip over time as you're learning to trust each other and feel thay they are filling your cup enough to allow this to happen. Rather than starting off with no boundaries and having to force them over time.

Your last paragraph is a very good point! I have a very good feeling about this new relationship actually.