Husband wishes i was more affectionate

[AntoniaPantonia]

I’ve been with my partner for around 10 years, and we have a 3-year-old DD. Lately, he’s opened up about feeling that I’m not very affectionate, and that we rarely have sex anymore. He’s not wrong — our sex life is basically non-existent at this point. I’ve always had a fairly low sex drive, and with how tired we both are, it often falls to the bottom of the list.

He’s said he really wants things to change, and I do too — not necessarily because I feel a strong need for more intimacy myself, but because I want our relationship to stay strong and for him to feel loved. I care about him deeply and want to make this work.

He also says that he feels I push him away physically — like when he tries to hug or kiss me during the day, I tend to pull away or seem disinterested. I don’t mean to reject him — it’s just that my mind is usually racing with a hundred things I need to get done, and I often have DD pulling on me or needing something right when he tries to be close. It’s hard to slow down and be in the moment, even though I do enjoy affection once I let myself be in it.

The tricky bit is, he’s almost always the one who initiates anything physical or affectionate. I know that must be hard for him. I want to change that, but I don’t know where to start. How do I become more present and open to intimacy when I feel like I’m constantly in “go go go” mode with parenting, work, house stuff, etc.? I love him so much, but I’m struggling to show it in the way he needs.

Has anyone else felt like this? Would really appreciate hearing how others navigated this.

It sounds like you're carrying the load for the family and life is a blur of responsibility.

It might help to write down what makes you feel desired and loved. For example, working as a team, feeling taken care of, someone having your back, acts of care, thought and consideration for your needs.

There's a website called OMGyes which could be an idea to explore to get back in the mood. Perhaps toys (try Love Honey), for some me time or to use together.

Perhaps a GP appointment to investigate low libido and for a check up; you might be run down.

Reintroduce intimacy into your relationship by holding hands, hugs, kisses, compliment each other etc

Have you read the Five Love Languages? Seems his love language is physical touch, but what's yours and is he meeting your needs too?

To be very blunt, you can't put the exact same ingredients in a blender and expect a different outcome.

You're not feeling very interested in sex because you're exhausted and overworked. If none of the reasons for you feeling exhausted and overworked change, how do you expect to feel changes in your sex drive?

I think you need to stop focussing on the end result, meaning more sex, and start looking at the different reasons why you're not very interested in sex to begin with.

Do you and your partner share the workload that comes with running a family? And by that I mean does he actively reflect on things that need to be done and take initiative to execute them? It doesn't count if he's only doing things because you're instructing him to and making lists.

Does your partner realise and validate the fact that your plate being overly full leads to you not feeling interested in sex? Or does he turn it into a you-problem that you need to fix because it bothers him? Is he aware that he's part of the problem and therefor needs to be part of the solution?

We share the load, he brings in the income with work and i take care of the house and family.

Do NOT go to the GP - you are not ill. I wish people would stop trying to medicalise women just so that men can have sex. 🙄

Bringing in income isn’t an equal balance of responsibilities and mental load. Tell
him that when you are well rested and have time to yourself, you might have space to reflect on the sexual side of the relationship.

What about a man going to the doctor for ED if he was concerned that it was negatively affecting their relationship?

There are medical issues that can effect sex, but in this case, the issue seems likely to be due to lifestyle and life-stage…The OP needs to focus on that instead of thinking a pill will sort stuff.

Your OH paying the bills and you taking care of the home are equal loads.

Parenting responsibilities should always be a shared load.

I appreciate it’s not easy at your stage of life but, in my opinion, you need to evaluate how you’re living your life and how, frankly, it’s not working for you at the moment. You seem to be constantly to “go go go” to use your own words. I’d look what you spend your time on, and see what you could lose with little impact, whilst prioritising some quality time for yourself. Often a glass of wine is more important than the vacuuming…An hour extra in bed is more
important than a spotless kitchen.

i agree parenting should always be shared,but not necessarily equally.

The important thing is that each partner makes broadly equal
contributions overall… and that rigidly spitting or equalising particular areas between partners can lead to disparity.

"Bringing in income isn’t an equal balance of responsibilities and mental load. Tell
him that when you are well rested and have time to yourself, you might have space to reflect on the sexual side of the relationship."

Such an unfair comment

Not unfair at all. The evidence is in the op. She’s exhausted. He wants sex. Who is working the hardest and contributing the most of their energy in that family?

Oh for goodness sake I get this same for me hubby works in at home with the little ones and I know exactly what you mean but after first child I worked on random hugs, kisses, handhold, sit with a coffee for half an hour and turns out it wasn't about the sex at all it was just to feel he wasn't a spare part and that I still loved him. Since our twins it's even more that no sex demands just all the rest as we are both tired but obviously still adore each other and I was so focused on this needs done,that needs done, is everyone ok etc. I've had to learn take a step back when hubby comes home and appreciate him aswell

You have no idea what the husband does or how much stress is involved in his job.

It may be that you need to explain to him that while his work day starts when he leaves for work in the morning and ends when he returns home, yours starts when DC wakes up and ends when she goes to sleep - doubtless sometimes later if you’re cooking dinner and cleaning up after - and is 7 days per week.

So while he may be able to switch off and be thinking of intimacy and sex once he walks in the door, you’re still at work and having to focus on that, so all he’s doing is adding to your to-do list. While @SocksTalk makes a reasonable point that we don’t know how hard your DH’s job is, if the basic division is he takes care of income and you do everything in the house and all the childcare, it’s not a fair division if you don’t have equal time off to relax and decompress. 3 year olds are lovely, but they’re also work, and often a lot less easy to “solve” and more stressful than work issues, especially if you’re also balancing all the mental load and labour of keeping the household running.

Perhaps you both need to learn that him shouldering his fair share of parenting and household duties when he comes in frees you up to wind down and be much more able to relax and work on rebuilding the intimacy between you, if that’s a priority for you both.