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Original poster

Was my ex dismissive avoidant? Or was I dealing with something more than this?

20 replies

Liv92xx · 09/07/2025 14:54

Hello everyone. First time posting here. I was in a relationship with my ex for around 10 months. Usually I keep my walls up, as I have been in a relationship with a narcissist before, so walls before my current ex were firmly up. We first met and we got on so well, very attractive man, said all the right things, you know how it goes. Said things like “I’m very empathetic”. “I always apologise when I’m wrong” “if anyone was to end this relationship it would be you”. Made me feel like I had hit the jackpot. Until the first time that we had a disagreement, he lied to me about something he had told me. I expressed that I felt like he had lied and it had upset me, he automatically became defensive and I noticed it straight away. Told me he felt attacked. I explained this wasn’t the case. Anyway. Next morning he left and said “I’ll text you later” no message cam until the day after and he ended it. I asked him why? He said because I hadn’t reached out to him (even tho he said he will message me and didn’t and thought maybe he needed time to think). I said your ending it with me because I didn’t reach out to you, but you didn’t either. He said “I thought that was a woman’s job” 🤦‍♀️. I know. Red flag that was ignored stupidly. Told me I can not leave his brain ticking over for 2 days because he will fuck off. Going forward. He ended it a lot. But if I didn’t reach out to him, he wouldn’t reach out to me. So it ended up being a push pull dynamic of blaming me and me taking accountability and him not. I apologised all the time. He didn’t. (I know silly). But I was confused as one he’s saying don’t leave him ticking over and on the other hand he needed space but wouldn’t come to me after it would be me going to him. He told me things like “I shut down because you have the capability of pushing my buttons and I can flip”. I mean there is a lot more to the story but I would have to write a book. Every feeling or issue I addressed was dismissed and he would say I’m attacking and then it would all be my fault. I FINALLY got the guts to end the relationship. I have my first therapy session tonight and I know I shouldn’t have stayed as long but I’m proud for walking away. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Is he just a typical Dismissive avoidant? Thank you in advance for any replies

OP posts:
Pollqueen · 09/07/2025 15:27

I would just say he's an emotionally immature twat and the next time you meet someone who describes themself as an empath, run, they are usually the very opposite

putitovertherefornow · 09/07/2025 15:30

Good riddance to him, you've dodged a bullet there.

Be thankful, don't give him a moment's more thought, and move on.

stayathomer · 09/07/2025 15:32

It sounds like you both talked about the relationship and the semantics more than just enjoyed being with each other. At ten months I’m not sure you need to have so many discussions on how things might end etc.

Epidote · 09/07/2025 15:42

He is a twat that is for sure. Good riddance.

Original poster
Liv92xx · 09/07/2025 15:50

l

OP posts:
Original poster
Liv92xx · 09/07/2025 15:52

stayathomer · 09/07/2025 15:32

It sounds like you both talked about the relationship and the semantics more than just enjoyed being with each other. At ten months I’m not sure you need to have so many discussions on how things might end etc.

I agree. The relationship was intense very quickly, which usually I am the opposite. I think I listened to his words and believed them rather than his actions. When he did it the first time, I should have left it alone. I definitely realise this now

OP posts:
stayathomer · 09/07/2025 15:54

Easy to do at the time though x

bananafake · 09/07/2025 16:04

I'm an honest person: I don't tell people I don't lie. It wouldn't occur to me to tell a partner that I wouldn't have affairs. Or murder someone. Do you see where I'm going with this...

These are all immediate red flags.

BigMouthBigFacts · 09/07/2025 16:46

Liv92xx · 09/07/2025 14:54

Hello everyone. First time posting here. I was in a relationship with my ex for around 10 months. Usually I keep my walls up, as I have been in a relationship with a narcissist before, so walls before my current ex were firmly up. We first met and we got on so well, very attractive man, said all the right things, you know how it goes. Said things like “I’m very empathetic”. “I always apologise when I’m wrong” “if anyone was to end this relationship it would be you”. Made me feel like I had hit the jackpot. Until the first time that we had a disagreement, he lied to me about something he had told me. I expressed that I felt like he had lied and it had upset me, he automatically became defensive and I noticed it straight away. Told me he felt attacked. I explained this wasn’t the case. Anyway. Next morning he left and said “I’ll text you later” no message cam until the day after and he ended it. I asked him why? He said because I hadn’t reached out to him (even tho he said he will message me and didn’t and thought maybe he needed time to think). I said your ending it with me because I didn’t reach out to you, but you didn’t either. He said “I thought that was a woman’s job” 🤦‍♀️. I know. Red flag that was ignored stupidly. Told me I can not leave his brain ticking over for 2 days because he will fuck off. Going forward. He ended it a lot. But if I didn’t reach out to him, he wouldn’t reach out to me. So it ended up being a push pull dynamic of blaming me and me taking accountability and him not. I apologised all the time. He didn’t. (I know silly). But I was confused as one he’s saying don’t leave him ticking over and on the other hand he needed space but wouldn’t come to me after it would be me going to him. He told me things like “I shut down because you have the capability of pushing my buttons and I can flip”. I mean there is a lot more to the story but I would have to write a book. Every feeling or issue I addressed was dismissed and he would say I’m attacking and then it would all be my fault. I FINALLY got the guts to end the relationship. I have my first therapy session tonight and I know I shouldn’t have stayed as long but I’m proud for walking away. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Is he just a typical Dismissive avoidant? Thank you in advance for any replies

Sounds like he wants the chase.. this is an insecure man that needs to feel validated constantly been there got the T-shirt

Bittenonce · 09/07/2025 20:09

It’s often easy when someone says ‘I’m a kind person, I’m intelligent, generous, I’m really empathetic’ whatever - to take them at face value. But too often it just means ‘I’d like to be seen as’ . Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t waste your energy trying to put a label on him. It’s a lesson learned (the hard way, I’m afraid), just learn from it, bottom line is he wasn’t right, but you realised that and were strong enough to walk. Keep being strong, don’t be defined by the fact you made a mistake - we all do it.

Original poster
Liv92xx · 10/07/2025 07:21

Bittenonce · 09/07/2025 20:09

It’s often easy when someone says ‘I’m a kind person, I’m intelligent, generous, I’m really empathetic’ whatever - to take them at face value. But too often it just means ‘I’d like to be seen as’ . Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t waste your energy trying to put a label on him. It’s a lesson learned (the hard way, I’m afraid), just learn from it, bottom line is he wasn’t right, but you realised that and were strong enough to walk. Keep being strong, don’t be defined by the fact you made a mistake - we all do it.

Thank you so much. This meant a lot ☺️

OP posts:
ThatAquaRobin · 10/07/2025 07:43

Wow.
@Liv92xx I'm hearing the same from someone I'm with at the moment. Eerily similar wording to what you've described
If you don't mind me asking how old was he and does he have a son?

Original poster
Liv92xx · 10/07/2025 13:33

ThatAquaRobin · 10/07/2025 07:43

Wow.
@Liv92xx I'm hearing the same from someone I'm with at the moment. Eerily similar wording to what you've described
If you don't mind me asking how old was he and does he have a son?

Hello. Sorry you’re dealing with this. He had more than one child. I have tried to private message you but it won’t let me. If you want to talk feel free to message

OP posts:
MageQueen · 10/07/2025 13:37

Well, he's 100% a twat, or really, a complete dick. Lots of covert narcissistic behaviours but honestly, the key thing is... he's a dick.

sometimes labelling things can be really helpful to understand and help you move on and to accept you weren't to blame, so perhaps that's what's happening here. But in a relatively short term relationship, I personally feel it's better just to label it as "dickish behaviour that i want nothing to do with" and leave it at that.

MageQueen · 10/07/2025 13:39

ThatAquaRobin · 10/07/2025 07:43

Wow.
@Liv92xx I'm hearing the same from someone I'm with at the moment. Eerily similar wording to what you've described
If you don't mind me asking how old was he and does he have a son?

My comments re covert narcissistic behaviour is off the back of the one I know - who does have a son! But honestly, I've come to realise it's SO common as to be ridiculous.

DiscoBob · 10/07/2025 13:40

You posted this before, why again?

Sodthesystem · 10/07/2025 13:41

I can't stand all that dismissive avoidant anxious whatever attachment bs. It was an experiment ran on toddlers. Whatever moron applied it to adults needs a swift kick in the tadgers.

So many women using it to justify abusers being abusive.

If he's a dick he's a dick. That's all there is to it. It doesn't matter why. You can't change it either way.

Voxon · 10/07/2025 15:03

It sounds like he ended it because he got caught lying and didn't have the integrity to fess up. His words sound like a lot of bull shit. One thing I have learned is that cliches are true.

  • The way someone treats you is genuinely almost never about you.
  • Whether someone wants to go out with you or commit to you has absolutely nothing to do with your worth.
  • Men who want to be with you, even if damaged or avoidant, will make that clear.

I wasted my younger years on half arsed relationships wondering what was wrong with me. There wasn't. It was just the wrong person or the wrong time.

When I finally met the right one (in my mid 40s!) it wasn't smooth sailing - he wasn't looking for a relationship, he was very much not keen to get into one. But when push came to shove he wasn't going to choose being without me.

So he pulled his head out of his backside and we are married now.

Original poster
Liv92xx · 10/07/2025 20:13

DiscoBob · 10/07/2025 13:40

You posted this before, why again?

I haven’t posted this before. This is my first post

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 10/07/2025 20:40

Liv92xx · 10/07/2025 20:13

I haven’t posted this before. This is my first post

Show quote history

Ok sorry, it looked familiar. Apologies x

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