Couples counselling - dh sought ‘advice’ between sessions

[SantaShady]

DH and I have been in couples counselling (online) for over a year. It feels like we’re going nowhere fast and our last session was particularly tough and it ended with me feeling misunderstood.

The morning after DH and I had an argument and I left for work with things feeling very tense.

Five days later we receive an email from the counsellor asking if she can have a 10 min catch up with us prior to our next session. I felt this was ‘off’ and queried it with DH. I’m not sure why but I asked if he’d been in touch with her outside of our sessions and he told me he had - he needed ‘advice‘ after our argument.

I feel utterly devastated by this as though I’ve been completely betrayed by both DH and the counsellor. Also - that DH didn’t tell me about it and I had to uncover it!

I feel like I’m done with the counsellor (and potentially our marriage) - the trust is gone. He thinks I’m being unreasonable.

Anyone else come across this scenario? Is it normal for a couples counsellor to see each person individually without prior agreement. Has she overstepped the mark?

I’d love some perspective please.

I would say a counsellor should do either couples or individual counselling , they can’t cover both with a couple. I would expect him (&you if required) to have separate individual ones as well as a different person again for you couples.

We’ve had a couples counsellor in the past and they said it was against their code of conduct to have any sessions individually as it means they end up taking sides

Have you had the catch up prior to your session? If not I’d wait and see how that pans out.

Why do you feel you’re getting nowhere fast? Is it the councillor or are you and DH simply not ‘getting it’? Is one party not taking the advice, do you often feel misunderstood? You could try another councillor?, But there does come a time to call it quits as they can’t fix everything.

I understand your feeling of betrayal. Do you mean that he had a session with the therapist inbetween your sessions?

I have also been in couples’ therapy for almost a year. Something similar happened. DP emailed therapist after we had an argument, asking if the therapist could have us for an extra session. I was not aware of this. He also described the argument in the email. Therapist responded that she could not fit us in. He told me about the emails shortly before our next session, I then brought it up with the therapist. Just mentioned that I knew they had emailed. I did actually feel kind of betrayed by that and have no idea what was in the emails but did not really do anything about it.

We haven’t had the catch up yet. DH has been unwell and we’ve had to push it back. Maybe this is what she wants to address.

In our last session she said something that felt uncomfortable - she said ‘If I were married to DH then….blah blah blah’. It felt really wrong. I’m struggling with that too.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced something similar.

I feel as though the trust has gone - how do I know what was said. What about transparency?

This.

a couples counsellor should not be doing additional individuals. It muddies the waters. I don’t think there’s anything particularly wrong with your DH seeking individual support, and you might find it will help you too. But, it really shouldn’t be with the couples counsellor

You say you feel like things haven’t gone far after a year too. I think you have a counsellor problem

When I did counselling, I found the individual counsellor so, so helpful, and supported the separate couple session. . Don’t knock it - I’d be inclined to say try it for yourself

I would stop counseling immediately citing dual relationship that you were unaware of and make it known that the therapist and husband in contact and having a session? Meeting up? without your knowledge was completely unacceptable. How is she treating your relationship by having a private session and emailing your husband behind your back?. There's now a dual relationship that is not compatible with the goals of your couples counseling. She's biased and pretty blatantly showing it.

The therapist broke the trust needed in a therapeutic relationship by seeing him without your knowledge at his request. Was this an individual session at the therapist's office? And how are they in contact.

This a a real ethical fuck up and does not pas the smell test at all.

If it was me where I am, I would definitely report this to her licensure board but I'm in NY.

I do have a separate counsellor - however they’re on holiday this week.

He doesn’t and he said he felt as though he had no one else to talk to about the argument which is why he contacted her. It wasn’t a session as such just a five minute chat on zoom.

Ah it was a lazy move on your DHs part too, maybe he should sort something more formal out with someone else.

Honestly, it might be worth looking to a new counsellor to see if it can help you both