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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this too controlling?

7 replies

Claire777777 · 08/07/2025 22:00

Hi, I really don't know what to do. I can't really talk to my family cause my brother may get a little too protective and hurt my husband. I can't talk to my parents cause they will tell my brother and they'll also get angry, so for now I have to pretend everything is ok.
I've talked a little to my friends at work and I didn't like their comments, I found myself defending my husband.

Long story short.
My husband has OCD and is medicated for it.
He doesn't like flying... he doesn't like doing anything I want to do. He's now saying I'm boring when I just want to stay at home and try and relax.
I find he's putting me down quite a lot and I'll retaliate.
He's been in his job for 3 months now and car shares with another women. I'm with it because I trusted him. We've been together for 28 years.
He's now come out with his female friend doesn't like the way I talk to him.
He wants sex all the time and I'm just not into it at the moment. I think its my age as I'm going through the change. However I don't feel comfortable around him cause he's told me I'm not slim like I used to be.
He's also questioning me about our relationship... like every single time im in the same room as him. Were just going round in circles and he's being repetitive.
He's currently working from home this past week and has now found a new friend to work our dog with. Another women. I WAS ok with this until... he says if I don't sleep with him then why are we married. There's plenty of other women who like him so he knows he can get anyone he wants. I feel very numb and trapped at the moment.
He says I'm working to hard and I now don't spend time with our little family. (I work 4 days a week, 9am till 5pm). Our children are both teenagers.
He's stated he wants a younger women who will give him what he wants and someone who has money and job prospects.
I'm feeling quite worthless at the moment and can't afford to leave. He earns 3 x's more than me and keeps telling me this. He's in and out of work yet my job is stable. I try and make an effort with him, yet its not good enough, he just wants more and more. If I'm talking to our children he always asks when are we going to get time together.
Tonight I've been talking to my friend on the phone and he's thrown a strop at me saying, what about you and I, when am i getting time with you?
Every Friday I spend the day with him, doing something like going out for breakfast whilst the kids are at school... I just feel like Im doing all the planning and he's doing all the winging...I'm not too sure where to go from this.
I can't even nip to the shops on the way home without a phone call asking where I am I'm late and the kids are hungry and he's hungry.
After a full day at work I come home and make the tea... I get bollocked if its not cooked quick enough, again, he's hungry after working all day.
I just don't know what to do. I just know he'll act like nothing has happened in the morning and bombard me with messages whilst at work saying sorry.

OP posts:
Mumlaplomb · 08/07/2025 22:06

He sounds quite emotionally abusive and certainly extremely unpleasant. I would try and see a solicitor about how to proceed with separation/divorce as you cannot carry on with this soul sucker. Also speak to women’s aid and seek their support and resources. Speak to friends and family. You need to get out of this you deserve much more.

PaperMachePanda · 08/07/2025 22:07

Oh just get rid of him already.

Go and tell your family and ask them to help you leave.

Your husband is an asshole and both you and especially your children deserve better.

cestlavielife · 08/07/2025 22:09

Just get divorced
You will be happier and have a good life
Leave him to all these women

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2025 22:10

I would seek legal advice in the quiet re divorce. This is an abusive relationship to be also showing your children. Women’s Aid are certainly worth contacting here as are a local firm of Solicitors.

His apologies are meaningless and are the nice part of the nice and nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Do not let a lack of funds keep you with such a man either, that is no reason to stay with him.

Olika · 08/07/2025 22:16

I would have no patience for this. Make him single. He can go and fuck those other women he think fancy him so much.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2025 22:16

Abuse thrives on secrecy and it will do you no favours to pretend everything is ok. Would you be willing to talk to Women’s aid?

Your husband is abusive and he does not have to hit you to hurt you. But he will if he decides the current level of control exerted on you is not sufficient. He is certainly volatile and remains so. Why are you defending him when his actions are no reflection on you as a person?. Stop defending his indefensible behaviour.

whiskeytruth · 08/07/2025 22:19

Do you think he’s purposefully trying to make your life hard and miserable so you’ll leave him?
He sounds so unpleasant.

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