I really really want to spend some time with you

[Brownbearwhitebear]

Just had this message from a close relative, am I wrong to take it as a massive guilt trip because that’s how it feels. I don’t see them as often as they would like but I hate being made to feel under pressure. It’s not an easy relationship but I’m trying to be reasonable 😩

If it feels like a guilt trip to you then it is a guilt trip. Do not respond to such messages but maintain radio silence.

I disagree. It might be a guilt trip but just because someone perceived it as such doesn’t make it so.

some people perceive everything as hostile even when it’s not. That doesn’t mean every communication to them is hostile.

Theres a big chunk of your post missing that would help people with their responses to you, such as who is this person, why havent you seen much of him whats the back story and so on.

Trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person is not going to work out well for you OP. Its their way or no way.

You don't see them as often as they would like.

Do you see them as often as you like? Because it is you that matters here, not what they want from you. Don't put your own feelings aside to appease someone else, however much they try to guilt-trip you.

Sorry I deliberately didnt give too many details but realise it's not that helpful without some!

It's my parent, they dont live very near, are getting older (but arent alone) and are getting increasingly clingy. I'd be more sympathetic if they were an easier person, had given me support when I needed it in the past and didnt put all the expectations on me and none on my sibling. I also had 'youre so important to me' the other day which sounds nice but is just another massive guilt trip for having a life and not including them in it as much as they think I should.

I suspect the answer will be that I need to put in some boundaries but it's just exhausting being constantly pressured.

Why are there no expectations on your sibling? Is it a brother or a sister? From similar posts on here, the brother is often the 'golden child' but isn't expected to put himself out to help his parents. That's all on his less favoured sister. Check out the posts on the Elderly Parents board. This is a common issue.

Yes that's exactly how it is. He lives nearer and has no kids or other commitments but I'm the one that's gets grief because 'you know how he is'.

Were they not good parents growing up?

Yes and no. They mean well but they've let me down a lot and will never acknowledge that. Everything is about them and how situations (often of their making) have affected them, never about what it might have been like for me. The have leaned on me far too much emotionally from a young age. It's taken me years to put some distance in but they clearly arent going to accept it.