Friends intensity driving me insane.

[Bridgeoverwater]

I’ve been friends with this woman for over 10 years, however we only see each other twice a year as we live 6 hours apart. (Her north, me down south). We are good friends and met at work and kept it going. It’s lovely when we hang out.

We usually message on WhatsApp most days which I like, sometimes the odd voice note and I’m happy with this. Recently, friend has moved her mum into a care facility and her husband left her within the same short frame of time. They both lived with her so she’s feeling undoubtably lonely.

The issue is I’m starting to feel a bit harassed by her. She’s calling me on average 6-8 times a day. At first, I picked up most times and chatted to her while I WFH. I also video called her. I also drove up to see her as well and spent 5 days with her helping her sort her house. I thought this level of intensity with the calling would only last for the first few weeks as she adjusted to living alone and we’d go back to less frequent contact.

It’s now been three months and she’s still calling daily, I’d stopped picking up as much as I was becoming overwhelmed. I told her this and recommended she voice noted me and then I could listen and voice note back. This is what the rest of my friends do.

She took offence to this and went quiet and the next day I received a large bouquet of flowers and chocolates to my house with a card saying sorry if she had offended me.

I then messaged her thank you and said it’s just the level as I’m working during the day and then have plans most evenings. (I do gym, I’m redecorating) but a weekly call would be lovely and daily texts are fine. On the weekend she met up with ex, and ironically didn’t message me at all as she was busy. And then yesterday, Monday we are back to the 6/7 times calling again. I ended up sending them all to voicemail.

I don’t want to not be friends. I don’t want to upset her but my message isn’t getting through that this is overwhelming and feels too intense. I feel like she wants me to be her entertainment now she lives alone or a replacement “partner” as sorts.

I'm afraid you will have to be firmer. Message her and explain you are busy working, that you also have other things to attend to and simply do not have time to respond whenever she contacts you. Then don't answer her during the day. Mute her if necessary. A quick text at the end of the day to say you can catch up at the weekend. She's not being very thoughtful towards you if she keeps demanding your attention. She's obviously bored and sees you as someone to unload to but she is also being very selfish.

How old are you both? Does she work? It does sound ridiculously intense for someone that was a work colleague who you normally see twice a year.

Does she have any other friends or family to confide in? She seems to have put all her eggs in one basket (yours).

You may have to be blunt with her. Tell her that you can't answer calls during the day due to work and that you are busy most evenings. Tell her that a weekly call and daily texts are fine but you can't offer her any more than that.

If she takes offence and backs away, that's her decision.

Don't answer her calls. You've already told her to voice note you so you can pick up the messages when you're free so if she has something to say she can do that.

Reward the desired behavior - respond, when suits u to voice note.
ignore bad behaviour - don’t answer the calls
if she can respond favourably to this behavioural training - great
if not, it is what it is, and you deploy exit strategy of choice

Blimey, I don't speak to my own family that much, let alone an old work colleague I see twice a year! Are you literally the only person in her life?

We are 30’s but both childless. She was very close to her mum and they did a lot together which is limited now but they still see each other. Her husband was sort of her best friend and they did everything together and she only really had me as a female friend. I’m concerned she’s actually going to take him back (he cheated badly, younger woman, abortion etc) because she’s lonely.

Now I’m the only one left it seems. Any encouragement to her for doing a hobby or meeting any new friends is met on deaf ears. She works 40 a week but in a job where she can use her phone all day. I feel like I’m babysitting a grown adult. The other day I didn’t pick up as I was working and she sent me quite a nasty voice note saying I owed her money for something a year ago? Half of a meal out. It had never been mentioned before but it seemed to be a reaction to her upset id not answered the phone. I paid it as it was £15 but seemed just weird!

she was pretty normal before all this and we used to chat daily a few texts and maybe a phone call once a month.

Send a message to say you can't keep up with all her calls/messages and that you will will reply when you can give them your full attention. If this isn't acceptable to her then drop her, she's not respecting you or your time and boundaries.

She sounds unhinged to be honest. The money thing is very weird - I think I would have used it as an excuse to fall out and stop talking to her, at least for a while.

You've told her she's being too intense, and she's ignored you completely.

Time to block.

Good grief, I thought you were going to say you're both in your 60s! This is bizarre behaviour for a young woman in her 30s. She needs to get out and meet some people and find some purpose! It sounds like she's been used to someone else solving all her problems for her and taking no responsibility for herself. And now she wants you to facilitate her life for her.

This is unhinged and her escalating with a nasty request for £15 quid from last year is a red flag.

Stop entertaining this at all OP.
Send a final message that you are too busy for this enormous increase in contact.

Just send a txt ‘Im very busy with work at the moment. Catch up soon x’ and let her paddle her own canoe. Call her on a fixed day only once a week and stick to that.

i have dealt with this in many shapes and forms over the years, worst was a friend whose wife died and kept calling me. I felt terrible for him but didn’t have a big show down or discussion I just spoke to him when I could (which was rarely as I was completely swamped with a sick relative) and let them figure it out themselves. We are all still friends.

I know it’s hard but just back back away if you can x

Calling someone seven times a day is a bit excessive. Maybe suggest she joins some groups or something where she lives.

I think I would try to find a way of nicely saying that as you can’t keep up with the level of contact she’s hoping for now, she might be better off transferring that need for chats throughout the day to her mum. She must be lonely too

She sounds intense op, life is too short for this.

I think you need to be a bit stricter with her. She will gradually pick the message.
Do not answer her calls. Tell her you are very busy and that you are working on a big project at work. And that you prefer face to face communication rather than calling and messaging.
Had the same issue with a friend. It’s not that I don’t liker her. It’s that she requires too much of my time while I have many other things to do, including seeing other friends. She kind of hungs on to me to meet my circle of friends and when we meet she talks non-stop about herself. Mind you, she is on holiday with her family now and hasn’t sent one text.
I just let it phase out. I do like her but not every day to this intensity intruding into my life. And tbh I do not feel I receive much back therefore would like to divert my energy elsewhere.
I would advise you to set yourself as a priority and do not be afraid to disappoint and cut people off.

It’s a shame that she’s going through a tough time at the moment but the intensity and level of contact is more than overwhelming! I’ll bet she doesn’t ask you how you’re doing (you could have a lot going on in your life, too!). I think previous posters are spot on. You have to give boundaries; which I understand is easier said than done, and tell her you can’t be fielding all of these calls and then nasty messages if you don’t adhere to her wishes. That’s not a friendship, despite what terrible things she’s going through.

With that kind of intensity I’m not surprised you’re her only friend. I’m wondering if she’s burnt bridges with other friends many years ago. You can’t solve her problems for her. I’d be pulling right back and only responding every couple of days or so. You can guarantee she’ll take her husband back and in a year or two he’ll be cheating again and you’ll be back to square one being her dumping ground.

The other day I didn’t pick up as I was working and she sent me quite a nasty voice note saying I owed her money for something a year ago? Half of a meal out.

That would be a block from me.