Husbands love of the sofa

[bananaramaaaa]

I'm wondering if I am just being unfair and grumpy or if this is an actual problem between me and DH. We have one 5 year old DD who attends school but is Autistic so requires extra support and two dogs. My husband runs a business and is successful but not overly busy, typical work day 9-5 plus some Saturday work. I work mornings from after school drop off until 1ish, I pick DD up from school at 3 so in between that time I do housework or run errands etc.

My DH sleeps on the sofa as he prefers to stay up later than me and then falls asleep downstairs. Our DD often wakes during the night and is up for the day from 5am, I get up at 5 with her whilst DH stays asleep on the sofa until just before he has to leave for work. I do everything in this time, get DD fed and ready for school, feed the dogs, make DH coffee, put a wash on, pack DDs bag etc.

DH does pretty much nothing around the house, I do everything including cooking and then cleaning up from cooking. He has no idea what DD needs for school or in life in general, I organise all appointments for her, all clothes that are needed and everything for school, I attend sports days, meetings, birthday parties.

I asked him thismorning if he could walk our dogs for me as I needed to be at work earlier today. He said yes but then "pretended" to take them out but I caught him on the ring door bell not actually taking them out. I called him and was quite upset as I feel everything is always on me but he got angry and said he "feels he does enough" which yes he does work hard and I am very grateful for him.

I have expressed to him multiple times how I am exhausted and burnt out and I feel everything is on me and I do too much but he just shuts me down.

I also have no access to any bank accounts apart from my own where my part time wage goes in to but I have no idea what our bills are or anything. Up until I started my part time job I had to ask him for money whenever I needed it.

Sounds like you are a single mum with a lodger. Maybe find a new, paying lodger?

The relationship sounds dead.

There Is really no point in you and he being together now because you are also being economically abused by him. He knows how you feel and does not care.

You having no access to what he regards as his money is unacceptable. Would suggest you seek legal advice and contact Womens Aid.

I'm sorry to hear that as it's heartbreaking to be treated with such disrespect.

You appear to be the unpaid skivvy and childcare and he's financially abusive. I'd love to have someone taking care of everything while I work and watch TV but I don't think I have it in me to treat someone like that.

Of course he gets defensive if you challenge him, he doesn't want to pull his weight. I'd withdraw all services and look into divorce. You might find wikivorce, Gingerbread and the CABx website helpful.

Info and helpline on financial abuse:
survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-we-do/financial-support-line/

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm so scared, I don't earn enough to support myself and I haven't been employed for about 6 years now. The job I do is my own business I started up last year. I worry about not being able to be with my DD all the time as she is very attached to me, I worry he will take her from me. I am in my 30s now and I have been with him since I was 19.

If he can't be bothered to take the dogs for a walk, he's not going to try for full time custody of a 5 year old.

I was not all that surprised to see that you met this man in your late teens.

Do you think that such a man will want to have his child say half the week?. He can barely be bothered to walk the dogs and he is certainly not bothered about you people as his family .

Your d d will thrive if she is not around you all the time. What you can also do for her is to make sure her additional needs are being met at school. Does she have a EHCP in place?. If not apply for one of these asap and use IPSEAs website for more info.

Do speak to both Women’s Aid and a local firm of solicitors re divorcing him. Knowledge here is power.

This says it all.

This.

You’re unhappy. Which is understandable, it’s a weird non-relationship. It’s not going to get better, it will only get worse. So please take yourself and your daughter and find a way you’ll both be happier. You don’t want to waste more of your best years like this, you don’t want your daughter growing up thinking this is normal.

If you don’t want to leave him then stop doing anything for him.

Your post says you make him coffee.Stop.

I presume you do all the laundry. Don’t do his.

Shopping - buy nothing for him. None of his snacks etc.

Christmas and birthdays for his side of the family - now his job.

And build up your business in the time you save. Focus on this. And yes, if he says he wants 50/50 custody know that he actually doesn’t. He just wants to scare you. So if you do split and he threatens this, tell him what he doesn’t want to hear. ‘Ok, that’s great, as I’ll need more time for me going forward. Which days will you be covering?’

the financial abuse is the most worrying of everythign

Urgh. What a lazy selfish fucker.

So sorry OP but he has you well trained and you are being financially abused. Is he a lot older than you btw? Heed Attila's posts as they are spot on, and have no fear he will want 50/50 as he is too lazy to bother with dog walking, let alone caring for a child.
Please speak to Women's Aid for advice and support on separating with a view to divorce. He is a dreadful role model for your daughter too so don't waste any more of your precious life. Do it for her if not for yourself!