Hate the way I am around men

[Superkitty2025]

Just wondering if there's anyone else out there who struggles feels similar?

I have a bad history with relationships and know alot of this stems from low self-esteem, my upbringing and having shocking modelling from my mother growing up (both in terms of self-image and her relationship with men). I know where it all stems from but can't seem to get over it...

I have 2 children (boys) after leaving an abusive relationship and worry that my feelings towards men will affect them (though I am trying hard to address these so they dont). I know there are good men in the world and this isn't a man-bashing thread. I've just had bad experiences, attract the wrong kind of men and know my own issues are alot to blame.

I'm quite a passive person in general (which I hate and want to change), but also have a quiet strength and resilience that has seen me through a lot. I have Feminist values but often haven't lived by them. I cringe at my younger years when I was so desperate to feel desired and of value that I literally threw myself at men and degraded myself on so many levels just to try and please them.

As an adult I followed a similar pattern and would put up with alot of disrespect in relationships. One guy treated me like a living sex doll and gor frustrated with me when I was clearly uncomfortable and not "performing" how he wanted me too. I'm so ashamed of myself for not leaving there and then and accepting that kind of behaviour.

Now, I have made a decision to remain single until I have resolved these issues and focus on my children. I also dont want to bring any further toxicity into their lives and dont trust my choice of men, ability to recognise red flags or the kind of men that I seem to attract. But, I hate the way I still become very passive around men that I have some kind of attraction too (even though I dont want to pursue anything with anyone). I get tongue-tied, self-depricating and it seems to bring out all of my insecurities when at other times I can feel quite strong and empowered and proud of myself for what I've achieved and the woman that I am and am becoming.

I hate that I seem to be naturally inclined to behave this way and that all of my hard work on myself seems to just evaporate when I find myself in these situations. I also worry about any future relationships as my experiences feeling like I have had to perform sexually for men to be desired and loved has put my completely off sex (not that I had a high sex drive to begin with). I dont know if I ever want sex again, and, if I do, I'd just want sex that probably most men would find boring these days as I am completely unadventurous and just want to feel intimacy and respect from someone. I am not interested in behaving like a porn star for men's pleasure and dont ever want to be in a situation where I feel degraded again. Yet, there I am worrying more about pleasing men again. I hate being this subservient.

I dont know if any of this makes sense. I guess I'm just reaching out to see if anyone else who has ever felt like this feels like sharing how they manage or even overcame it?

You have come so far and that is such a huge achievement.

I think it’s only time that will help you to gain more inner strength, confidence and love for yourself.

Next time challenge yourself by trying everything in your being not to crumble. You will find that the sky will most certainly not fall in.

Your confidence will grow, because you ARE aware.

You sound very self-aware, which is obviously a really good start. Staying single whilst you unpick this stuff will be a help to you I think.

Thank you for your kind responses. I know I am pretty self-aware, it's just that knowing something intellectually is one thing...but I guess I've got a lot more work to do on changing the patterns of behaviour... I was making progress and I believe I have come a long way. I am happy single now and am building a life for myself and children that I am proud of. I guess I was just starting to feel empowered and this sudden revert back to self-deprication and passivity unnerved me. We all have vulnerable moments but it scared me I guess as I dont want to be that person anymore and it reminded me of how easily I can revert back to that behaviour.

Thanks for responding, I appreciate the feedback. I really envy those of you that have high self-esteem, you know. It's not that I'm always thinking badly of myself, particulalry (though I have my moments). I just think what has been normal for me in relationships growing up is way below the standards that most people would accept and my boundaries are skewed as a result. I guess it has helped me to build resilience, but I'd also like to stop inviting that shit into my life. It's hard to know what healthy boundaries are when you've never really experienced them...

I got mixed signals as a child. I accepted a lot of bad behaviour from friends and chased unavailable men who weren’t really interested in me because of how my parents treated me. I married someone the same as me and we’ve managed through a lot of counselling and other support to break the pattern for our children.

What I’ve realised is I did know. I get a particular feeling inside (hard to describe) that’s like an early warning sign. When I feel it now, I walk about from discussing things with my DH or speaking to my family. I find listening to it keeps me safe. I wonder if you have a similar feeling inside.

My DH was taught to use imagery- he would end up behaving in ways he regretted when he calmed down. He doesn’t realise his angry til afterwards. So he would picture what he wants his interacts with people to look like and have that as a frame of reference to stop him in the moment.

Neither of us were able to do it on our own. We both got some really good counselling support. My ash went 4 times I think! I went for 2 years! I have also found out in my 50s that I have a mood disorder, bipolar and that when I would tell my DH I think it affects me more than you… that was actually true!

All the best. Your children are individuals first and loving them for who they are is the best way to give them the resilience they need for life. There was never any repair work in my family after rows and my parents could never apologise for their own bad behaviour.

There is a book called ‘women who love too much’ it’s really good. It’s definitely worth a read and well done.

I think you just have to keep recognising it and trying to adjust. It takes a long time to undo many years of thought patterns. You sound like you’ve come a long way so give yourself credit.

When I was married I knew I was unavailable to other men and I was far more confident, assertive and disinterested in them. I liked how I was. When my husband became an abusive twat though, I didn't want to go back to my self-deprecating, giggly moronic self around men which was me when I was single and insecure. That weakness is probably what drew my husband to me.

Like you, I'm set in focusing on my kids. I am unavailable again and I force myself not to be the slightest bit interested in men. It helps me to be the assertive, confident person I want to be and a model to my kids.

I admit it's not easy though but I realise being unavailable (even when I do think a relationship would be nice) is the way to go whilst my kids are young. If there's no chance for Romance, you won't feel vulnerable.

Have you read about attachment styles? You have a typical anxious attachment style and there’s some really useful content on YouTube…

It’s also completely possible to change your attachment style - I had an anxious attachment style and it’s now mostly a secure one instead. I have the occasional wobble but I’m generally pretty good…it has taken a lot of counselling and self-development work on my self-worth, unpicking my childhood and it’s impacts on me and similar. Never too late to start though!

@ReachedVarifocalsAge thanks for sharing, its reassuring to hear that you can break the cycle. Thats amazing that you and your DH managed to do it together! What an achievement, both individually and for your relationship. I'm sure your children have benefited hugely from all your efforts. I think I'm going to look into therapy too. Maybe I have the feeling too that you're talking about but need help to recognise it more.

@3luckystars thanks for your book recommendation, I have ordered it a d am looking forward to reading it. It seems to have loads of amazing reviews!

@Usernamenope I think you are very wise and think I will join you in cutting off all romantic relationships so I can be the best me and model for my children. At least for the time being and while they're young.

@wheresmymojo well done on changing your attachment style, that's a fantastic achievement! I spent alot of time trying to make sure my children had a secure attachment to me, but never fully explored my own attachment style. I can see that I do have an anxious attachment style and will look into this more. Tha ks for the advice.

I do resonate with this post OP.. self awareness is important and you certainly have this

I was single for a very long time for a similar reason. The man detox really did help, along with therapy especially CBT. They try to teach you to forgive yourself and love your inner child. This gives you your confidence and self worth back.

I now get the instant ick from any man who invokes any of these old shameful passive feelings in me and give them a wide berth. I can appreciate that they might be visually attractive but they do not have that hold over me anymore like it used to with me throwing myself at them. It was a long time before I was ready to go out dating but I did eventually and all my previous attraction preferences had completely changed. the type of man I would have fallen over backwards to please I no longer liked and I was more powerful and less tolerant of bullshit.

I get random flashbacks to very shameful things I’ve done/been involved in and I really hate them sometimes but they aren’t as powerful as they used to be.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think I had actually had any sex with someone who really loved and cared for me at all, so I was chasing that, and never finding it. Just a performing woman. But you need to forgive yourself first and foremost. The only person hurting is you x