How to move forward

[rightorstubborn]

DH and I had a big row on Sunday evening and I don't know how we can move on.

In the summer his hobby ramps up, particularly in the nice weather so I take on more of the DC care, usually fine but involves extra burden on me and I prefer not to have to do it all by myself.

I have arranged to be away one day this weekend (and next weekend but that was pre-booked at Xmas) which are the only two things I have arranged just for me this year. He has a couple of long weekends away booked himself and his hobby takes him out for at least 5hrs at a time, although he will jump straight back in once he's home.

When I booked this weekend I made sure he was free, all fine. He has now arranged to do something whilst I'm away and his parents will have DC. I'm trying to explain why this annoys me so much but I'm struggling to get him to understand and he's taking it as me saying he's a bad parent.

We now haven't spoken since, apart from another blazing row and neither of us are budging. I know it's about more than that now, we both feel the other doesn't appreciate what we do and I'm not sure how we move forward as neither of us is willing to apologise as I suppose we both stand by what we've said.

He's a great DH and dad, he generally pulls his weight but I do feel he puts his wants before his responsibilities at times and expects me to pick up the slack, especially when the weather is better - he gets serious FOMO. He thinks it's because I don't have my own hobbies but quite honestly I'd be happy having some time to myself with a good book!

I suppose we could agree to disagree but then nothing is resolved?

Sounds selfish. You said in the summer you mainly look after the kids due to his hobby. why are you putting up with this? Get a hobby yourself and do exactly what he’s doing. Go out at the weekend for 5 hours then come back. See how he likes that. Stop being a mug.

So he’s arranged that the children spend some time with their grandparents?

Yes rather than take on the responsibility himself he's pushed it on to the grandparents- this would piss me off too.

I wouldn't say I'm a walkover, I'll tell him if I think he's taking the piss and he'll generally listen and pull back from hobbies. For some reason he just refuses to see why this is an issue and is twisting it to me saying he's a bad parent.

I'm a bit baffled to be honest as we rarely argue and it's never been this bad, but I refuse to apologise just to keep the peace (he usually apologises first) and neither is he so we're at an impasse.

I understand you completely OP, I really do.
It must be frustrating when he just expects you to pick up the slack whenever his hobby takes him out of the house for hours at a time.
However, and I say this with empathy, could it also be true that you've set the bar for motherhood very high for yourself? Could it be that you feel that your children need very high standards of care and that this care should be given by a parent at all times? Do you feel guilty when your children aren't with a parent on weekends or during summer?

I think right now the burden of parenthood is resting entirely on your shoulders. Not that he doesn't do anything when he's home, but that you feel like you carry the mental load of it, the worrying for their emotional wellbeing, etc. But maybe rather than expecting him to live up to those standards - which must cause you a lot of stress - maybe you can meet in the middle?
Maybe having the children with his parents is fine. Maybe you can go and do your own thing too without feeling guilty. Maybe you should not wait until he voluntarily takes the children off your hands before making any plans.

I think the conversation you need to have isn't "you need to look after the children while I'm away, and you need to do it my way", but rather "I respect your need for time away, and I also need time away. How can we accommodate both needs?"

if I knew the children loved spending time with their grandparents and I loved the grandparents and trusted them…. I wouldn’t care.
Key is…. Children happy, comfortable and with family who I trust

You go away so infrequently

and by the look of it you’re going to end up stomping off and ruining it for yourself

He has a couple of long weekends away booked himself and his hobby takes him out for at least 5hrs at a time,

Doesn’t sound like that much to me 🤷‍♀️

His parents offered as he is going out with SIL & BIL to an event. Both sets of grandparents are amazing and always willing to have DC, but I don't like to ask too often as I feel like they do so much already.

Girlmom I think you might be on to something and I appreciate your measured response. Part of me does just want him to do it so he can "see what I do" everytime he's away and I realise that's not exactly healthy. I just feel a bit unsupported and unappreciated and maybe I've expressed that badly. I try not to be a martyr but I suppose I've strayed in to that territory with this particular issue.

It has very much escalated now to us both feeling the same way and it's a bit of a mess.

So he’s doing something with his sister
His parents offered

sounds lovely to be honest

Of course you want to be seen in all the things you do. That's only natural. Things aren't being fairly distributed at the moment.
However, the way you enter that conversation and the energy you bring, will decide how he takes the message you want to give. It's really important to take ownership of your own share in the dynamic, which will hopefully lead to him feeling safe enough to own his share.

Anger, resentment, bitterness and a victim mentality will never lead to a healthy discussion. Because he'll just end up feeling attacked, and he will stop hearing anything you have to say and jump into defensiveness.

Have you ever heard of the Gottman principles for healthy communication?
Whenever I need to have a difficult conversation with my husband, we try to stick to these principles. This way we become the team working through a problem together, rather than becoming opponents and blaming each other.

I can kind of understand why you are annoyed, but I think you are targetting a symptom when you ought to be tackling the underlying problem.

You are the default carer, you hardly ever get a break, and you resent the amount of time he is able to devote to his hobbies.

This has got to change. You deserve equal time off - otherwise you’ll burn out and the resentment will grow. Resentment is one of the horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships - it kills connection and affection and can reach a point from which there is no way back.

How did you arrive at this unequal arrangement? Have you tried to talk to him and try and figure out something that works for both of you?

This is fucking cricket isn’t it?

Close - golf!!

I think you're all right and I've gone about this in the wrong way. I'm not sure how to get out of it now but I suppose I'll have to swallow my pride then try and address the actual issue.

We have a much calmer version of this discussion fairly frequently over the summer and to be fair he takes it on board but it always slips back which I find frustrating.

We've both said things we shouldn't have so I will look at the suggestions mentioned, I think we're both stuck in attack mode at the moment. I don't necessarily regret what I said but maybe how I said it. I just hate being at this point as it's so out of the ordinary for us.

I think the reason you resent this is because you always step in to pick up the slack when he chooses to be away from the family for his own pursuits. This time you have asked him to do that for you. Instead, he’s palmed off the responsibility for his children onto someone else. The fact that the someone else is trusted and loved grandparents doesn’t make up for that. It’s that he’s not stepping up as a parent when you asked him to, even though you do that for him a lot.

if you both do this, the kids won’t get to spend any quality time with their parents.

you need to articulate this to him. If he still doesn’t get it… then maybe he’s too selfish to be the partner you deserve.

@rightorstubborn See if this might be useful for you and your husband:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/dr-gottmans-3-skills-and-1-rule-for-intimate-conversation/

So when his parents offered to have their grandchildren so that he could spend day with his sister… you wanted him to say “no”?

I think what @Girlmom35 said is probably very true. He feels attacked and you want him to understand how him doing his hobby makes you feel so he has some empathy for you.

I have very similar issues with my hubby (golf, tennis, football and pub!!!) but I have found that rather than having one thing in the diary every so often I now do so much more. He was never going to change so I had to. I now do fitness classes, dinner with friends, concerts etc. Im much more organised so get my activities in the diary before him usually and if we clash and I’ve already got plans he needs to sort the babysitter / childcare.

Your H won’t be able to use his parents in every scenario so he will start to understand. And to an extent my H definitely gets it more but he’s also more relaxed and bedtimes are flexible, the house isn’t up to my standards and dinner may end up being a takeaway but I have to accept it and (try) not to say anything!!

Also if I don’t feel like going out I will wait until he is back, hand over the reins and tell him I’m going to read my book in the bath!