So sad about how my parents are living their lives

[JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch]

I'm writing to vent really, rather than seeking advice.

I'm an only child nearing middle age. My parents are in their early 70s.

My parents are married but have an unusual setup where DM stays home (in the middle east) and DF goes off to work abroad. He's been doing this for 35 years. He works as a manager of sorts in the mining industry, and the locations he works in are usually very difficult, remote places in Africa where they pay danger money. DM doesn't work and almost never has - when I say "stays home", it's almost literally that. Home plus food shopping. No friends, and she has distanced herself from everyone in our wider family. She is miserable when he’s away and guilt trips him, but neither seems able to part from the other so this arrangement is it.

DF is visiting us at the moment, on his way home from work to my mum. He is, as always, on the phone nonstop with some work crisis, rather than spending time with his GC. Who he has met about three times in their lives. He is racist and unpleasant, and very loud, and just angry - this is not a new thing; I remember the same when I was a kid. He also really doesn’t look after his health, so I can see some sort of health crisis imploding his life / theirs. He has already had a stroke.

It’s just this shit sort of dynamic where he refuses to retire despite enough to live on comfortably, I think partly because he doesn’t really want to live with DM. (One of his preoccupations is money coming to me after their death, so I have seen bank statements etc - they have plenty of money, and I have told him repeatedly that we are ok financially and I’d rather they enjoy their lives.)

But the work he does (and he is in each job a year at most, he’s always unhappy with some aspect of it and resigns) is hard and isolated. She seems unhappy whatever he does and doesn’t take much agency in her own life. It took me until well into adulthood to start ignoring his requests to ring mum/visit her/whatever else - she makes me and everyone around her miserable. He’s now trying the same with my kids, like we need to make an effort to cheer her up.

On the one hand - it’s his/their life.

On the other hand - it’s a sad sort of life. Physical decline, straitened circumstances, social isolation. I work coordinating volunteers and the people I meet my parents’ age are volunteering, playing sport, spending time with family, going to the theatre etc.

As I said - I’m not sure there’s any advice to give here. I’m just reflecting on his visit and feeling down.

You are not responsible for your parents’ happiness.

You can talk to them all you like but they won’t listen.

They are set on their own path.

The only thing you can do is work out what happens when they get too ill and infirm to look after themselves. What are their plans when they turn 80? Are they going to stay in the ME or will they return?

You dad sounds like he lives through work feeling needed, adrenaline highs / he can’t imagine anything else.

your mother - waiting for him - they don’t sound very compatible really and she sounds like she is waiting for something that won’t ever be

yes it is all very sad but people to sone extent make their own lives

I would be more worried he’s working among ASM where it’s illegal, and workers including children are paid less than 60 cents a day in dangerous conditions.

YANBU and I can understand you feeling sad when you look at the miserable dynamic in your parents' relationship. However, they're both adults with agency and you can't live their lives for them. Clearly, they should have split up years ago and your DM should've carved out a life of her own with her own work and home and social life, but given her age and personality I can't see anything much changing now. As you say yourself, what's likely is that your DF will drop dead at some point and then she will be alone. So what will happen then? The most useful thing you could do is think about the likely outcomes in that scenario and prepare yourself for what kind of support your DM is likely to need. Would she (could she?) stay in the ME or would she need to return home?

@cheezncrackers @NotNowMrTumble - home is the ME. Which is an additional issue really - I speak very little of the language and live here in England, and they have alienated a lot of our family there. I have spoken with them about, for example, where they live (they are constantly either moving house or thinking about it), so buying somewhere on the ground floor, with a shower rather than bath etc. I’m not sure I can do much more on that front.

(I was raised all over the world, and emigrated here as an adult.)

Some elements of this are familiar to me. I also had parents living in the ME but as expats. The marriage wasn’t unhappy and my mum worked and had interests and friends but my dad just worked and worked. He seemed to be aiming for some goal despite them having more than enough to retire comfortably (altho there were complexities as he had to sell his company). They eventually retired early 70s, after about six years he got a degenerative disease and died. My mum now says oh poor dad, he didn’t get to enjoy his retirement.

at the end of the day it’s their lives and you can’t interfere too much do they’re not amenable to listening. You can keep saying why don’t you future proof , think ahead …have holidays now rather than wait. Very tough I know.

This behaviour has been deeply ingrained over decades.

You obviously care a lot, but one day hopefully you will find peace and calm within yourself by accepting it is who they are, and that you won’t be able to ever change them.

This is very sad OP but there's nothing you can do as they have both chosen this. Your Mum could have carved out her own life whilst he's away but it sounds like she has no interest in doing so. Does your mum ever visit you and why didn't she come this time if your Dad's visiting you? I think all you can do is accept the situation and carry on offering gentle advice ( even though it's probably ignored) as l doubt they will change.

She visits very rarely. It’s hard to describe but it’s a sort of “stately homes” dynamic, if you know that thread on here. However nice we make it for her she will find or make a crisis or pick a fight.

We’ve sort of settled on an annual visit, though the past few years have been disrupted by the conflict in the ME.

They both get what they want out of their dysfunctional relationship. Sadly there is nothing you can do about them and they have indeed made their own choices here.

@JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch ln that case there is nothing you can do and best for you to stay as low contact as you feel able. Stop making suggestions and plans for her future as you know they will only be criticised and / or disregarded. She wants your attention but not your input or advice so every engagement with her will leave you feeling exhausted and frustrated. Minimal contact is the only way sadly.

Do you think your DF uses work as a way of avoiding a retirement with your DM? I must admit it doesn't sound appealing if your DM has no friends and interests other than running the house and shopping. Your DMs life is the polar opposite of his life which seems very eventful/stressful and ever changing. The weird dynamic of them living apart was eventually going to come to a head - maybe he's delaying it as much as possible?

Yes. Almost certainly.

When I was younger I was the excuse - I was told repeatedly he needed to work in the way he did because they had put me in an expensive school etc. Not surprisingly as an adult I got financially independent and far away pronto.

It all just seems sadly inevitable really. I’m frustrated that they don’t see it.

I don’t want to alarm you but the last person I came across with this set up it eventually turned out he had a whole other African family that he was living with part of the year. He could not retire as he would lose his excuse to see them. It all fell down in Covid when he could not travel and the African family wanted to come to the U.K. where they felt they would be safer. He set them up in a house elsewhere in the country but could no longer keep the secret and it all exploded.

"It took me until well into adulthood to start ignoring his requests to ring mum/visit her/whatever else'

I used to get the same kind of guilt trips. It's so messed up and manipulative. Well done for refusing to do what you're told

I agree with you that it all sounds very sad and empty. I also agree with everyone else that there is nothing you can do. This dynamic between them sounds very entrenched and it's not your responsibility to fix it

My parents have a similar kind of weird, miserable, co-dependent dynamic. I was in therapy for a long time (massively helpful btw) and spent a long time extricating myself from the expectation that I would somehow magically fix things and make them both happier. My therapist pointed out that they were both adults, and they both had choices and the fact that they stayed together for decades meant that they were both getting something out of the relationship, however unhealthy and dysfunctional. I found that really helpful

To be honest if this came out I would almost be relieved, however awful that sounds. It’d be much easier to understand. I am pretty sure it’s not the case here, simply because he is in Mali for one year, then Angola, then then then. And he sends us info and photos that appear to be real showing where he is, which company and so on.

I’ve been there open feeling sorry for parents, their relationships their wasted opportunities but as others have said they are adults you can’t make them happy it’s not your responsibility.

id use your energy to practice stopping being affected by them and their dynamic, not taking on board any moaning and not feeling obliged to offer solutions. It’s very freeing.

as an aside , they will be getting something out of the relationship as it is so dont feel too sorry. I’d also limit your kids exposure to your dad.

They look like a very traditional type of a marriage. Nothing you can do, really. My grandma and now my mom - they never had any hobbies, did any activities or had any interests after their spouses died. Every time I met grandma, she complained and moaned how lonely she was and how hard life was for her. She didn't have to live like this but she refused to change anything. And she was only 60 when she became a widow. I was only a teenager, but I felt so sorry and sad for her that I spent a lot of time with her, listening to her moaning about life, and it made me very miserable. Now I know that it was not my responsibility to make her life better. You will not change your parents, they are content with their lives and with how things are between them.

Is your mother religious? Mine goes on pilgrimages/holidays with like minded people. Are there any safe distractions for her, build a little network?

Could she build a bridge with her local family? Are there any local home help networks that she could tap into.

TBH as others have said, it's her own business. You can't fix her or them.

Your father is very engaged in his life, plenty of interactions and travels. He is doing it because he wants to. He gets a kick out of it, maybe he is addicted to stress.

This mirrors a lot of what I see in my own parents' relationship.

I've come to understand that both my parents struggle with anxiety that manifests in different ways. Plus, my mum seems to be stuck in adolescence in terms of emotional maturity (lots of lashing out and silent treatment if requested to go out of her very narrow comfort zone) and also has no life outside the house. My dad is guilty of helping her stay within her limited comfort zone, to seemingly avoid conflict.

It also seems like my parents have more of a parent-child dynamic than an actual equal partnership. I wonder if it's the same for yours, OP?

No advice I'm afraid, but lots of solidarity! It's hard to witness.

That’s the whole point though, people like her DM DON’T and WON’T integrate.

…and of course when she does visit OP she’s gets nasty because she is so discontent with her life.

@CreationNat1on it's pretty much what @Lighteningstrikes wrote. There is plenty to do around her, she lives in a lovely and vibrant city with a beach 10 minutes away, she drives, there's good public transport, lots of cultural stuff, the equivalent of U3A. She just... won't. Which is fine, that's her decision, but it's all quite stark. And obviously the longer she spends miserable and shut up at home the more physically and emotionally challenging it is to say, Right, I'm off for a walk / to try a course / to a new cafe / whatever. It's her life but it's just rather sad! If you gave me no responsibilities and practically a blank cheque in a beautiful city you wouldn't see me for dust .

They can't see it because they have no self-awareness and no empathy. They are both entirely selfish in different ways.

What would happen if you went no contact with them? Do they have expectations of you helping them and providing some sort of care when they are no longer able to look after themselves?

I think I’m happy with how I manage contact. I was in therapy for years and now my general stance is a sort of cultivated detachment and infrequent contact. I am mainly writing to vent rather than attempting to fix them somehow. But I don’t think I will ever stop feeling sad at the contrast between their lives and the other people I know their age.

No idea about care in future but I’d be telling them to use all that money to buy the best they could.