Why did someone feel they could insert themselves into my relationship?

[PeaceOverChaos]

Someone from my boyfriend’s past was still too involved — calling him late, sending selfies, ignoring boundaries. She inserted herself into our relationship. He didn’t do enough to stop it. I felt threatened, got reactive, and now I’m embarrassed I let it shake me so much.

It made me realise how emotionally unsteady our relationship really was.

I’m not asking for advice about leaving. I want to understand:

• What does a secure relationship actually look like?
• How do you protect it from outside interference?
• And how do you stop giving so much emotional power to people who don’t belong in it?

What does a secure relationship actually look like?

It's more like what it feels like. You need to trust each other.

How do you protect it from outside interference?

If you trust each other outside interference won't matter. You can't protect a relationship if both parties arent trustworthy.

And how do you stop giving so much emotional power to people who don’t belong in it?

Therapy?

How do you protect it from outside interference? This was your boyfriend’s job. And if he dudng shut ig down, there’s a problem with him.

Interesting question really. Imo 100% trust. And the knowledge that of something like this starts happening the relationship needs to be totally defended by both of you. E.g. stopping something like that before it starts - your boyfriend should have shut that down immediately. If that had happened, there wouldn’t have been any emotional power being wielded by someone outside of your relationship.

Hope you’re doing okay.

In a secure relationship there’s complete trust. So if one partner is on a night out the other partner does not worry about people flirting with them or having a connection with other people. They trust their partner to behave appropriately.

Depending on your experience of life some people trust until given reason not to trust others feel trust has to be earned through actions.

So for myself after being let down in past relationships I found myself struggling to trust , when I met dh I felt anxious when he went out worried he would meet someone better than me. I tried not to show my worries as i recognised they were my issues. Although I remember once after hearing his friend was planning a night out with his gf and her college friends I quickly made plans with dh (then bf) so he was busy and couldn’t go (I’m not proud) But over time I realised that he was trustworthy and I stopped worrying about his behaviour/other’s behaviour with him as I knew he would behave appropriately as he had given me no reason to think otherwise.

in your case the issue wasn’t the person who inserted themselves in your relationship it was your partner for not putting appropriate boundaries in place. Your dp should have shut things down and been clear of their loyalty to you. Their inability to do that understandably left you insecure.

You need to trust and that trust needs to be deserved.

It sounds like you didn't have a secure relationship because your BF was untrustworthy. He allowed an ex (I assume) to stroke his ego in a way that wasn't appropriate for someone in a monogamous relationship.

It might also have been insecure because you are unable to trust. That's not clear but your lack of understanding of what a secure relationship feels like makes it a possibility.

If you've been cheated on a lot in relationships (and not necessarily just romantically) or have poor role models for them, you may not find it easy to trust. Lack of trust can stress relationships and make them insecure too.

You have been given very good answers, OP.

You seem to be doubting yourself, seems your BF is not making you feel safe & secure in the relationship. Doesn't sound like you are in a healthy relationship.

Does he enjoy the attention from the other person? Does he like seeing you jealous/anxious/insecure?

What do you plan to do?

He was in the wrong for allowing the woman to get between you. As PP said, he should have shut that down straight away. Maybe he was enjoying it a bit too much.

For me, a secure relationship doesn't depend on outside factors.
It's about trusthing each other that even in challenging circumstances you know they will make the best possible decisions. It's about knowing that not everyone can be trusted to have good intentions with your boyfriend, but also knowing that your boyfriend has the best intentions towards you and won't do anything to damage your trust.
It's about transparency, not honesty. Because honesty is answering a question, but transparency is freely giving information because you know your partner would want to know these things.

But above all, a secure relationship starts with yourself. Because the most important person to trust is you. People will come and go in your life. You will trust the wrong people sometimes. People who were once good to you may end up hurting you. But despite all of that, you can trust that you have the ability to overcome those heartaches, to heal and move on.
You don't need people to not hurt you. You need to trust that you can handle whatever comes your way, even the pain.

She didn’t insert herself in to your relationship, your boyfriend enabled it, entertained her and clearly made her feel comfortable enough to behave this way, so it was mutual. You have a boyfriend issue unfortunately.

A secure relationship is one in which you feel safe. In which you trust the other person to have your back and best interests at heart and not to allow outside interference to impact them. I have no idea if you have left this relationship or not, but ultimately, if your partner is interactign with someone else in a way tha tmakes you uncomfortable, it's up to you to decide if that is something you are willing to put up with.

Everyone is assuming this external person is an ex. It could be his mother or sister who is too involved, or a friend. It doesn't matter. What matters is whether or not you are happy with it.

I think a lot of it is down to the personality of the partner. If he's someone who enjoys attention and isn't going to close it down, you won't feel secure.

I don’t think it’s your job to fix things in this instance.
It’s his problem, he likes it, he doesn’t respect you, he’s messing with your head deliberately.

You can’t make another person do what they don’t want to do.

I’m no expert in relationships. But if I call DP he answers straight away 50% of the time. The other 50% he’s working and can’t answer, or he didn’t hear the phone because he had some shit on YouTube blaring in the background. So when he sees the missed call, he calls right back and goes: soz, didn’t hear it, I’m watching xyz whilst ironing. And I go: no problem, I wanted to ask/talk about whatever.

He always texts me good night when we’re not together. If I don’t answer, he knows I’m fast asleep, he’ll wake up to a kiss emoji. He knows I’m just asleep, I’m not ghosting him.

He doesn’t think I’m a cheeky cow if I can’t hear the dog wanting to go out, he knows I’m shattered, he gets up, takes the dog out, he’s confident I’m not just pulling a fast one.

I went drinking with some colleagues after work last week. He called me on his way back home to ask if I’ve eaten. I asked him to swing by and pick me up on his way home, came by, said hello to my last standing colleague (a man), offered him a lift home, never met the man before, he didn’t ask: who was that, why was it just the two of you.
I think that’s pretty secure.