Husband angry and irritated all the time

[eddiedag]

Hi all

i have been with DH 10 years we have 2 DC 8 and 3.

He has always had mental health struggles and anger problems which I have tried to stick by him through, although we did split for several months a few years ago. he made positive changes and we’ve been ok since then but I’m finding old ways creeping back in and I’m utterly miserable.

He seems to be irritated by the kids constantly, just from them doing normal kid things, don’t get me wrong I can find them hard work and over whelming and stressful but he just seems to have no tolerance at all. He gets snappy or huffy with them and I find myself trying to keep the peace.

He gets defensive and angry with me over the smallest thing, if I ask him to do something/not to do something he is instantly defensive, annoyed, dismissive. If he snaps at me and I tell him it’s upset me he doesn’t want to hear it. He is either passive aggressive or downright rude sometimes, e.g. few days ago I said ‘will you be going in a shop at all today?’ We needed a few bits and I would have been happy to go but just wondered if he was already planning to, his reply in a really passive aggressive manner ‘I don’t know do I, because I’m busy doing something else right now!’. I can’t imagine anyone else in my life speaking to me this way. Another example is he bagged up some old clothes recently and I said what are you going to do with them? (Wondering if he was going to charity shop them or sell them) his reply was ‘I don’t bloody know right now do I!’ And he was really annoyed that I was ‘telling him what to do’ when I did no such thing.

he has come off of his anti depressants, thinks he doesn’t need them/they do more harm than good (???). This weekend we were away for a mini break and he’s been exceptionally irritable and snappy. Tonight I said how are you feeling off your tablets? He said I feel great why? I said you seem quite touchy and grumpy. Next thing he’s shouting at me ‘you never know the right time to bring things up do you!!’ ‘if I want to come off the f-ing tablets I will’ and ‘you’re the f-ing problem, not me!!!’

I feel like I can’t win. He’s so unpredictable, happy and fine one minute, fuming the next minute. The kids say he’s grumpy all the time.

i have had this conversation with him multiple times and each time, after a lot of back and forth, he seems to see reason and understand, but nothing seems to change for more than 2-3 days.

is there any way through this 😢

That sounds unbearable for you, OP. You must be so very unhappy.

Do you have any idea of your preferred scenario for moving forward?

You are his punching bag basically. Why you are subjecting yourself and kids to this? It won’t get better unfortunately. What you need is therapy to restore your boundaries. You don’t have to tolerate it. Choose yourself

My DH was like this. I stayed with him through them growing up. Adult kids really traumatized now. Get him to agree to medical intervention or get away.

Apologies for stating the obvious, but this will be really difficult for your kids and could have long term effects on their mental and emotional health. Splitting up will be horrible in the short term, but probably better than subjecting them to years of this.

He either accepts he needs help (back on meds, whatever doc recommends) or you look at ending the relationship. It’s horrible for the DC to be subjected to his moods too. You need to have a serious conversation where you lay your cards on the table and let him know how serious you are about ending things if he doesn’t get help with this. Don’t accept that this is the norm. It’s horrible for you, but it’s damaging for the children (I speak from experience).

Was it better on the meds?

What would you do if you called him out every time? Point out what he has said and explain that you won't tolerate being treated like it.

Does he work?. I would think he does not speak to his work colleagues like he does to you. This is abusive behaviour from him and he has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on his behaviour. It’s not your fault nor your kids that he had chosen to embark on his own private based war against you.

I would seek legal advice and plan your exit from your marriage. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Staying for the sake of the kids will do them and you no favours.

Sometimes we think it’s better for kids to have both parents under the same roof but if it’s an abusive relationship playing out it’s really not. It’s showing them that unhealthy relationships are normal and acceptable.

I would do one of two things -

1, Make plans to leave the marriage if needed. Sit down with him, ideally in a public place so he can’t easily leave /kick off and explain it’s no longer acceptable for you. Give him a time frame to get help/sort himself out (say 3 months) be clear this is his last chance to save his marriage. If he kicks off refuses to engage end the marriage. Otherwise give him the chance, if he fails end the relationship.

2, End the marriage, provide a secure home for your children and model healthy relationships to them. Teach them that abusive behaviour is unacceptable and not to be tolerated.

And all this nice/happy followed by fuming the next is really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Your kids are noticing this from him also.

There are two things happening here.
One, on his end. I think he's suffering from a serious depression and coming off the tablets has made him go off the handle.
Two, regardless of why this is happening to him, his behaviour towards you is inexcuseable. You should not have to walk on eggshells all the time because of his moods.

In order for things to change, you need him to be willing to change and to realise he's (at least a big part of) the problem.
If he doesn't have that willingness, then the only thing you can do is walk away from the relationship.
I've been there with my husbands depression and it was unbareable. I had a 2 year old and a newborn. I gave him an ultimatum and told him he either started treatment or he could pack a bag and go live with his parents. Thankfully he agreed to get treatment, but I wouldn't have stayed any longer if he hadn't.

@eddiedag how are you doing now?

Tell him to fuck off. Seriously. Why are you putting up with this?

If he believes you are the problem that's unlikely to change. Speaking from experience.

I think something has got his knickers in a twist and you have to find out what that problems is through good conversations. I think counselling may help you two.

Do you feel safe or silenced in this marriage?
If the answer is silenced, you need to make plans to leave.

You don't owe him the loyalty or the headspace you're giving him, and you need to think of the effect of his behaviour on the children. This is the only experience of childhood that they will have.

Go and see a solicitor.

Start envisioning yourself and your children living a life where you're not waiting for the next storm to blow up out of nowhere.

He despises you. Not your fault. Stand up for yourself. Just have a go to phrase that you use when he treats you like this. I used to use ‘Don’t talk to me like that’.
Mine used to just shout something else and run away when I responded like that but it reminded me every time that I shouldn’t get into an argument and just flatly state that.
You can’t reason with unreasonable people. You can choose to have boundaries. I left mine and he’s on his own now as he managed to piss off his girlfriend (having an affair is a common reason for weak people to attack their partner btw).