Need to leave husband but he won’t accept it

[MadameChalet50]

I’m going to try and keep this short and to the point. A month ago my DS(18), had suspicions about my husband (his dad). He checked his phone late at night and found a WhatsApp chat with a woman from my husbands work and hundreds of photos, including nudes and photos of her and my husband out in London among other places dating back 18 months. He called my husband the next morning at work and told him he had to tell me or my son would. My husband called me and told me he had made a mistake and had sent her a nude photo (my son didn’t tell him that he had taken a video of all the photos). Husband tried to say that he was just helping her as he felt sorry for her, and the one nude photo was a stupid mistake. At this point my son hadn’t told me about the photos. After a few days, I started to question it all and then my son showed me the video. My husband still tried to deny everything, saying she was an alcoholic and he was trying to help her and then she tried to blackmail him by saying if he didn’t send her photos and keep chatting to her, she would tell me he had slept with her. Obviously I now don’t believe a word he says. It’s laughable the reasons he is coming up with as to why he sent her several nudes, took her to the zoo and bought her stuff(I have the screenshots of email orders). So, I have seen a solicitor. We rent and have a house deposit in my savings account. We have been married 25 years, 2 kids. My son hates him. I have tried to keep most of it from my DD(12). I told him Friday that I don’t want to be with him as he has lied for over a year about where he has been, who he was texting everyday and the photos. He went crazy, won’t talk sensible, says he will take me to court so that I don’t have much money left after legal fees and that he wants to stay with me so it will be my fault that the kids lives will be ruined by living in a smaller house and having no money. He will not listen to reason. I have a decent job, I know that if he lets me have the deposit I can provide a home for me and kids. I’ve even said that I wouldn’t ask him for anything if he lets me buy a house. He point blankly says no and he will see me in court. We have no choice at the moment but to stay in our rented house. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

See the bastard in court. That would be my advice, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

We had a mortgage.. I found a rental and left.. Left him every damn stick of furniture...
He was astounded I had dared to leave him.
He was an utter narcissistic cunt..

Just listen to the advice from your solicitor. Stay calm and don't let him get to you.
I just want to say, you're doing amazing and showing incredible strength. You should also be proud of your son, he has strong morals like his mum. Such a shame his father put him in that position.

When does your lease expire? Is it in both your names?

Lease is in both names, it’s on a rolling month. We’re in an expensive area and I want my DD to be near her school so without knowing how much he’ll have to pay me monthly, I don’t think I can leave. Solicitor said to try and get him to either agree with me a deal or go to financial mediation so that legal costs will be low. He’s just not willing to listen. And all this happened in the middle of my DS’s A-levels.

It has already happened to your Ds. The best thing to do now for him and dd is to find a way to separate. Whether that means losing money is neither here nor there. The toxic months of sharing a home, with someone who will not see reason nor talk sensibly and is willing destroy the children’s harmony and future for the sake of spite- will cause your children more harm in the long term imo. Use the savings on a deposit for a new rental. Just find a way to get out.

@MadameChalet50

I agree with @kittenkipping , find a way out. It's already disruptive for your DC. Better a little 'moving disruption' and then a peaceful home than months of 'atmosphere and anger' where you are.

As far as the deposit, it may be in your account but if it was accumulated during the marriage it's a joint marital asset and he is entitled to his half, or whatever a judge decides if it gets to court. I know it hurts, but he's never going to 'play nice' so you really need to give up that idea and stop asking him to. You need to concentrate on what it's worth to you to be rid of him and to be with your children in a peaceful and calm home.

He's doing what he's doing to make you stay. But he can't actually stop you from leaving or from getting a divorce. He can make it difficult but he can't stop you. Remember that.

When you say 'what he will pay me' I assume you mean child maintenance. There are CMS calculator for that if you know approximately what his wages are. That can give you a rough idea.

Tell him to see you in court. And tell him that you'll ensure that his DD and all of your friends know exactly why you've left him if he wants to play stupid fucking games, intended to deprive your DD of the money to house her properly.

Laugh in his face when he suggests that because he wants to stay it is your fault that the kids will end up somewhere else.

Don’t let him threaten you. He clearly had a full blown affair and thought he’d never be found out which is why he’s now so angry .
stick to your guns .
I also think your 12 yo will understand why you need to leave. I was around the same age when my dad had his first affair.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. The deposit is a shared asset. Is your solicitor suggesting that you suggest you keep the deposit so you can buy a house for you and the DC in lieu of monthly maintenance? If you know his salary (assume you do) you can work out on the CMS calculator how much he would need to pay. Hopefully he isn’t self employed as so many men get out of paying by fiddling their taxes.

He might not be willing to waive his share of the deposit, and he does need to house himself so not sure there is much you can do about that. No point going to court to fight what he is legally entitled to. I guess you either need to buy something smaller or continue to rent. Your son is clearly very unhappy, if you can’t leave for you, you need to do it for him, or he will probably end up leaving much earlier than he otherwise would have.

Either way you need to leave.

As a pp has said, you can work out how much he will have to give you each month using the cms calculator.

Other than the savings, your main assets are likely to be your pensions. Are you able to find paperwork for both of them to see how much they are worth?

If his is worth a lot more than yours (or if you guess it is eg if he earns a lot more) then I think that you would be safe taking the savings and saying yes, see you in court.

If his pension is around the same as yours I think that you could take half the savings and say see you in court.

Either way, move whatever you take into an account in your sole name. Keep a record of the transaction and be honest with him and the financial mediator/judge etc that you’ve got that joint money.

It’s not guaranteed but he might be more reasonable about discussing finances once you’re out of the house and living somewhere new. At the moment he’s hoping that the threat of court will scare you into staying.

Unpopular opinion(?)
You cannot reason with crazy

I wouldn’t initiate divorce proceedings… yet (thanks for the wisdom meghan 😅)

i’d simply separate, end the tenancy now and move somewhere cheaper / more manageable, file for CMS and stop contributing to your pension

w regards to the deposit money given he has clearly said he is happy to burn the house down and cut his nose to spite everyone’s face… I’d say all bets are off…and I’d be employing every shitty trick in the book to secure my children’s futures.

my wages would be getting squirreled away and I’d be using the savings on “living costs” to slowly drain a few k per month out.
I’d also be gifting cash to your son / reliable family members or helping him with a deposit on a place declaring it as a gift to remove it completely from the marital pot. I’d maybe look at buying a Rolex or two for my ds and dds birthdays which can be left untouched and sold later

once the money is ostensibly “gone in 3-4 years then I’d file. He’ll have cooled off and there will be nothing to take.

I'm sure people will say its not fair you’ll get caught… I don’t agree.I’d do pretty much whatever it takes for my kids.
britain lawless now, its vanishingly unlikely you won’t be able to say most of it got used on separating and living costs.

separately please please keep in mind desperate men are the most dangerous. Stay en guarde and get out

He doesn’t have to accept it. It’s your choice alone.

The savings are in your name? Surely that means you have access to them even if he does end up getting half. Ifs that’s the case keep half in and use the other half for your benefit: ignore his threats.