Sorry this might be long and rambly, my head’s all over the place and I’m sat here while DS2 feeds and DS1 is finally asleep after yet another battle.
Bit of context. DS1 is 1yr7mo (Nov ‘23) and DS2 is 9mo (Sept ‘24). I’ve basically been pregnant or breastfeeding constantly for nearly 3 years. I’m exhausted all the time, like down to my bones tired, and mentally I just feel like a ghost of who I was before all this.
DH has been really off with me since I was pregnant with DS2. Like emotionally distant, short with me, barely any affection, proper moody. Doesn’t really help much with the boys either. He’ll change the odd nappy or play with DS1 for a bit if I ask, but the bulk of everything is on me. Bedtimes, night wakes, meals, all the endless bloody laundry. He works from home so technically around but always ‘on calls’ and I feel like a single parent half the time.
He’s fine with the boys when he’s actually present. He’s not cruel or anything, but he’s not massively hands-on either. Gets bored easily, scrolls his phone a lot, passes DS2 back to me when he starts fussing. It’s like he likes the idea of being a dad more than the actual work. DS1 loves him but always comes to me when he’s hurt or tired or anything tricky.
Anyway. A few months back I found messages on his phone to another woman. Nothing super explicit but definitely not just friendly. Flirty, saying she looked fit, stuff like that. He swore it was just harmless and that he was bored and wanted attention (which is rich, considering I haven’t had so much as a hug some days). I was gutted but I stayed because of the boys and honestly I don’t even know where I’d go.
Then today happened. He came downstairs at lunch and started being all over me. I told him I didn’t want to. I was in the middle of sorting DS2, I hadn’t eaten, I just wasn’t in the mood. He kept going on and on saying he was horny, that I never want him anymore, that we’re like housemates, that I’ve gone cold. I said no. I said I’m tired and I don’t want to.
He kept pushing and in the end I just… sort of let it happen. I didn’t want it. I just went quiet and let him do it because it felt easier than another row or days of him sulking and being off with me. He didn’t use a condom either. I said before I’m not on anything and I don’t want another baby. I cannot go through that again.
Now I feel completely messed up. Like did I let it happen? Was it assault? I didn’t scream or fight him off, I just froze and let him do it. But I didn’t say yes. I said no. More than once.
I feel sick, angry, ashamed, confused. I feel stuck. I don’t have anywhere to go and the thought of breaking the boys’ world apart makes me feel physically ill. But I can’t keep living like this. I don’t even feel like a person anymore.
Please be kind.