If you never knew your father in childhood?

[ByGreenHiker]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I can't think of anywhere else.

If you grew up without a father around and one step further if you didn't know who he was, and your mum didn't tell you who he was, although she knew and where to find him - how do you feel that affected your upbringing or who you are as an adult?

I've always felt there's a peace missing. And as if there's this relationship, I could have had with somebody into my adult life, but I wasn't given the opportunity. I still feel sadness from it now.

So if you never knew you your father or you knew him and he wasn't around and didn't have a relationship with him.How do you feel that affected you. I'm wondering if I just need to grow up.

@ByGreenHikerI knew mine but he would drift in and out very infrequently. Think once a year, if that. Was totally emotionally unavailable too and now when he talks was only focused on his own feelings both at the time as well as now.

Maybe it's a sickness of that generation. I don't know. It affected me massively. I think there's a strong correlation in women between absence of father and promiscuity. Certainly I craved attention especially from men at a young age and that got me into all sorts of terrible predicaments.

Be kind to yourself. Spend some time working through your feelings on it all maybe with someone trained. It's as tough for women as it is for men not to have had a father around in childhood. Sometimes it's like showing up for yourself in ways that they should have done to help heal. Send some love and comfort to that beautiful inner child. Good luck x

My mum lied to me about him, though. Kept him away from me. Lied about who he was. Said he wasn't my dad.

Now they're both dead, I can't ask either of them what happened. And what the truth was. My dad died without me being able to see him and find out what happened.His side of the story.

I feel as if I could have had this person in my life as some kind of influence or someone else to love me.

My father wasn't around, my mum left him when I was a baby to escape domestic abuse. We ended up in another country and so I never saw him nor heard from him again. My mum reckoned 'he must be dead by now because of his alcoholism', but she rarely talked about him. She never had another relationship after that.

I think it only became more obvious when I became an adult and sought after relationships myself that indeed I had missed out in some way. I didn't know the first thing about men, I had no brothers and went to an all girls' school. Unlike the PP I wasn't promiscuous at all,was incredibly naive. Didn't have a boyfriend till my late 20s. Married in my 30s and to my horror found myself in an abusive relationship just like my mother had done.

After my divorce and many years later I discovered my father was in fact still alive and had gone on to have a second family. However this was too much for me and I didn't want to have contact with him at all after what he'd done to my mother, and a couple of years later he died anyway. He'd put the second family through quite a lot from what I understood.

I think I missed out on having a masculine influence in my life though, and only realised it once I was married. However I don't regret no contact with my father.

OP there's no right or wrong way to feel about what happened to you. It is hard when you don't have any information, I did at least have enough to understand what had happened. I hope you can find some resolution to it.

Ah I'm sorry @ByGreenHiker
All I can say is mine came back into my life after a long absence.
It hasn't been anything different. There's no sudden change of heart or feeling. In your case it could have been that the reunion was even more traumatic. Certainly I have got to know mine a little bit and decided I don't want much contact.

Sorry for your loss. Take some time to grieve what could have been is all I can suggest. Be kind to yourself xx

I’m the mum in this scenario. My DD is 10 and I dread the day she asks to see her father. She knows about him and a very diluted version of the early events of her life. He was violent, aggressive, uncontrollable and hurt us both. We went to court and he has indirect contact only which he doesn’t use.

he will never change. I’m terrified of him. I’ve kept all the court documents to show her when she is an adult, but I know it hurts her knowing he exists and she has never met him since she was a baby.

he will not add anything good to her life. I myself have a wonderful dad and I have got a wonderful husband who is an amazing father to her, she has a family unit and a safe and stable life. All of which she did not have in her early years.

but I completely understand your view, knowing someone who is out there who is connected to you, you want to know them. I know now you can’t, is there anyone who can fill in the gaps of your history?

Sorry, I found the first part of your post a bit complicated and very specific so an just going to comment from my experience.

Father born in 1943 and did very well for himself. Essentially left the family when I was five and supported us very generously in financial terms. He died when I was 11 and left us well provided for to the extent that 33 years later I am still blessed with some benefits of this.

I do wonder about him. Do I like my steak blue because of him? Do I get my confidence, which can tip into arrogance, from him? I never really knew him and wasn't really sad when he died.

Not promiscuous (though I am very uncomfortable with that term as I feel it is judgemental and sexist), have had same partner for 25 years. But sometimes minor incidents, really trivial ones, hit me hard. I remember doing drop off once and hearing a dad call "I love you X" to his son. Trying so hard to please an older male professional mentor to get his approval. I'm ashamed to say that I can be jealous of father/ daughter relationships.

That said. I don't really hold him any ill will. He was of his time, made some bad choices like we all do and did the honourable thing by providing when he could have just abandoned us.

I don't really find him relevant.

This is me. Never.mentioned.ever.
Taboo subject in my family.

As an adult i now think it was a complete lack of respect towards me, and the silence around it suited my Mum and she didn't have the courage to face it. I was a switched- on child who read the room and just knew not to ask.

I also think the way my Mum has dealt with it means she will reap what she sowed as there's a part of us that can never be complete.

I could look up his sister. I suppose, and I am aware my dad's sister has children and grandchildren.So I have cousins.

But I think perhaps it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

That must be so hard. I hope you don't mind me asking.But do you have any resentment towards your mother?

I do towards mine, but I feel bad about it.It's complicated.

Firstly I’m sorry for the situation you’re in, that must be incredibly hard to deal with. One thing that’s standing out though is that you’re thinking of what ‘could’ have been, and certainly it might have been someone to love you and influence you. But equally it may have been someone to hurt you, abuse you, neglect you. I think you’re imagining an idealised dad, and I don’t know how realistic that was (it’s not clear from your post if you actually knew this man but just not as your dad?). But it’s almost like you’re grieving for a good dad, a dad you’ve imagined and hoped for, but maybe not the actual man that was available. Is it possible your mum knew what he was like? Or that he knew he had a daughter and she tried (badly) to cover up for him not wanting to make an effort?

Yes i do. I think its absolutely ridiculous that she has not brought it up once (I'm 51). I tracked him down 20 years ago and even then it was awful having to tell her (out of decency) - immediately rejected and told she didn't need to know. It suits her to believe I'm not affected and to leave that can of worms firmly closed.

I think by pointing it out your are sounding judgemental and sexist!

That was my lived experience as it happened. Im not saying it happens to everyone but there is a correlation so a likelihood with some people.

Remember you are dealing with abuse 'survivors' so please try not to shame anyone. Peace.

But equally it may have been someone to hurt you, abuse you, neglect you.

My mum was neglectful and abusive. Knowing what I know about her and I do know her well - it was more likely a possession thing. I was hers, and she wanted me to herself. She remained difficult into my adult life and didn't want me going away to uni and wanted me to live at home and hated me going on holidays or out with boyfriends.

She was so jealous and possessive, and it was more likely that with not wanting my dad around.

I didn't really understand your response but my apologies fur any offence caused.

Mine left disappeared when I was 18 months old. I don't have any memories. He was never spoken of, it was clear we weren't to ask. I didn't know his name until I was 17 beyond surname as I had the same, DM still doesn't know I know his name. My DGM told me some details when I was in my late 20s as she thought I knew.
I craved older male attention as a child and young adult. Ended up married to a man nearly old enough to be my father. It's a weird one, outwardly I on a surface level didn't miss what I didn't have and I think DM probably thought it was all fine, but at a more deep level I clearly did. I have never bothered looking for him as the fantasy in my head from a small child wouldn't exist. If he's still alive he would be in his late 80s now, he would never be a 'father' now.

Do you know why she did it though?

My son didn't see his dad for a fews years as his father continuously let him down and wasn't really a parent in his life, his father was abusive to me and in the end I wasn't going to beg him to see his son.

Of course my son blamed me and begged to be able to see him again, he made contact and now only sees his Dad once a month (Dads choice). On visit days Dad will often message to say he's not coming which he blames on traffic (you would think he would know now to get up earlier). My son has been doing a lot of attention seeking stuff to get his Dads attention and all his Dad does is tell him to blame me - he doesn't make any extra effort to make sure our son is ok. He's still not the parent my son needs him to be and I'm so sad watching him go through this process but I guess at least he will make his own mind up in the end.

I think there is a theme here of blaming the parent that did not abandon you, it is a child regression response that therapy would likely help with. If a Dad wanted to be in your life, he would find a way. Yes, you struggled without a father figure, but your life would likely be worse if your mother did the same and you grew up in care. Men that abandon children are not generally great role models, if your father was in your life you would likely have grown up equally affected, but in a different way.

Edited as posted twice.

No I don't know why she did it. They split up when I was too young to remember then being together or to remember him.

My dad actually sought contact through the courts. My mum made us pretend to cry when we were going in. Had to bring us with her to the hearing.

There was probably something about him. I hardly think he was father of the year. Maybe she was protecting me from something.

But it's not so much that it's the lies that I find utterly abhorrent. She said he wasn't my father and that my father was dead. She said this man was just a crazy man that she helped once or twice when she knew and he tried to seek contact with us through the court, saying he was like a father to us.

As a child I believe that. Because I had no knowledge of the law. Now though, I know it was absolute nonsense. No unrelated man would be able to seek contact with children through the courts. I realized the extent of my mum's lies when I was a teenager and I was studying my law degree.

Also, she hid my birth certificate from me. When I was applying for my first adult passport she wouldn't give me my birth certificate.

So the part where you fill in your father's details, I didn't know what to put. I have eventually got my birth certificate from her, because it's my property and I was an adult. Sure enough. He was named as the father on it, and my surname, was actually his surname. My mum had unofficially given me her surname when I was too young to remember, but on my birth certificate, it had my father's surname.

Schools must have been a lot more lax back then in the late 80s and not asking for passports and birth certificates when you're enrolled in reception. So that's the only way she could have done it.

The extent of her lies were pretty horrifying. She stripped me of his sur name. She hid my birth certificate.She told me he wasn't my father and he was following us around because she used to be friends with him. He used to live abroad anyway, and so he would only come back occasionally.

What motivated her to tell me such a pack of lies is beyond me. I have no idea why she did it. But my mother was very possessive in controlling of me, and that never ended right into adulthood. It was probably to do with her controlling nature that she didn't want me knowing I had another parent who potentially wanted something to do with me

Maybe he was a rotten father, maybe he wasn't, but I'll never know now. I wasn't given the opportunity to make my own mind up. When I found out the truth, i did actually look him up online and I couldn't find anything. He'd given up looking for us.

The only thing I never trusted my mother again. If she can lie about that, what else did she lie about. I don't know why she didn't just say your dad and I aren't together. Anymore, he hasn't been a very good parent.I think it's best.We don't see him.These are the reasons why we don't see him. But my mum led me to believe my father was actually dead and then didn't give me any details of it. So I actually had a bit of grieving for him, thinking I had a father who did love me and he was dead.

I did grieve him because actually mum was a terrible mother. She was self centered, she was self absorbed, she was selfish. She threw everything she had to do as normal parenting for us in our faces. She frequently told us we'd ruined her life.

Your way is the best way. Your son has you and you are letting him make his own mind up

My dad left, wasn’t interested and was vile to everybody except strangers. We found out he’d died through a police appeal in the media. His funeral was one of those where the celebrant tried to weave the story of his life, but no one knew enough for there really to be anything to say. Surely nobody wants a life like that, but there you go.

I went though childhood thinking it was all normal. Now I’m quite numb to it but see it does explain a lot about things like my chronic lack of self esteem, relationship choices etc. You wonder how you could come from someone so unpleasant.

My dad left when I was a baby. He let my mum down time and time again. I always knew who he was in that I knew his name. I don’t remember when I was told but his name wasn’t a secret and I knew he lived in a specific town about 15 miles away. If I had asked to see him I am confident that my mum would have tried to arrange it.

I met him in my late 20’s and it came about in a very unexpected way.

He is dead now and although I don’t like being unkind about a man I barely knew, my overarching feeling about him and the situation is that I am glad he wasn’t part of my life growing up. I would potentially have had a very different life, and been exposed to situations / a type of life very different to the one I had.

Despite being in regular contact with him for a couple of years in my late 20’s, when I had my first baby I didn’t hear from him at all - no phone call, no card, nothing. When this was raised with him and his partner, we were told he was waiting for me to go and see him / get in touch with him. At that point I decided just to leave it and not pursue the relationship.

He hadn’t made any effort to see me as a child and it was clear that any relationship with him as an adult would need to be driven by me. I wasn’t prepared to put myself through that hurt. I had seen what it did to my mum.

He did have “step children” and “step grandchildren” and was a very big part of their lives - albeit never lived with his long term partner or her children. This either worked for them or she was willing to put up with his lack of commitment.

My story is a bit different. There was a false rumor that my DM cheated on my father when he was in military (we're not from UK). So they kind of broke up but still had some kind of sexual relationship when he returned. DM got pregnant, terminated but was pregnant again a few months later and decided to keep me as a single parent.

He knew I was his. Both sets of my grandparents lived in the same apartment building but he denied this to his parents until I was a teenager. He went off and married the next lady, they are still together. My first half sister is 1,5 years younger than me, we have some contact. They said that he was a decent and involved father.

I mostly grew up with my maternal DGP's because we were dirt poor and my mother had to work her ass off. There were times where we would of starved if DGPs hadn't supported us. Because my mother was always working, we really didn't form a close bond (on my part, she loves me to bits). She had some relationships way longer than she should because they gave her financial support.

Her and therefore my life was tremendously harder because of no CMS. We moved a lot, I was on my own for most of my childhood after me moved away from DGP's. I went to work almost full time when I was still in high school. Couldn't go to uni in a different city because of money and so on.

I actually turned up pretty fine. Never in trouble, no need to seek approval or attention from others/older men. I'm not sad that he wasn't involved in my life. Most of my friends fathers were pretty poor example as a father, some even abusive. No father was a far better to have, was my mindset, even as a child.

But since we moved a lot, I tend to hate every change. My fridge and wardrobe are always full because of poor upbringing. Too full. I have worked hard to have a good income. I'm now a mother myself, I see how much it takes to raise a child and ours is only 12 months old. I couldn't do it without my DH, so now I see more clearly in what a shit position he left my DM as a single parent.

I know who he is, I know his siblings (small village), we have met, I even have is phone number. I'm grateful for the sperm donation. But I have no interest in him. My half sisters are welcome to meet my DC but not him as he is a stranger to me.

I didn't know my dad until his brother contacted me via some family tree website I idly went on in my early 30s. In part I didn't know him bevause he's feckless and in part...well a long winded story for another time.

I did meet him and have a friendly relationship with his other 3 kids. However. I did find whilst he and I had a lot in common, he was indeed feckless...careless actually. And I now haven't spoken to him in several years.

I'm not sure i feel the same. On the one hand I've wondered if my past terrible relationships are in part due to never having had a consistent father figure. But I don't feel like I'm missing anything really? I don't know if I can miss something I never knew

Oh and my mother kept a huge part of the reason we never saw him a secret. Not the same as yours but big enough that when I did finally meet him and he spoke about it I realised exactly why we hand seen him. I don't...blame her really? Times were tough back then for a single mother.