Arguments

[Welcomeking]

So, i am looking for insight here. Married with one DD age 16. Not a great marriage it has to be said and something I'm not proud of as it was rushed into in hindsight (engagement l, moving in, marriage, having daughter). They've been some good times but more like friends. We dont generally argue but have conflicting views over most things. Husband wasn't particularly pleasant towards me last week and I told him it wasn't acceptable. I also mentioned to my DD that the way I was spoken/treated to wasn't acceptable and that i had spoken to husband about this as she was there at the time.
I know I am modelling here how marriage should not be and it wasn't what I wanted for DD. She did say to me that we're always arguing which is obviously her concept as we dont generally argue. Im worried here and clearly left it too late to show her this is not how a marriage should be. Any advice?

There is some underlying factor that causes stress in your relationship. You need to really have open communication with your partner. I know you hear this all the time, but only you know what the problem might be. Get counseling if you can't figure it out, but something is causing friction. Kids usually pick up the situation much quicker than adults. Fighting may not be taking place all the time, but for DD to say that... it still must be significant number of times.

You have written about your H previously so I was wondering what you thought of the advice offered then?. Given your DDs comments I would ask what is the point of you and he being together now?. Have you stayed with him for her supposed sake?.

Have you sought legal advice to date re separation and divorce?.

@InnoculatedImmunity thank you. There is significant stress which has been caused by incidents created by husband whilst I was pregnant and throughout. These are more personality issues. He doesn't see the fault until after the event when I point it out to him. There are definitely not arguments more a case of me highlighting concerns that have not been acceptable.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes, I have stayed with him partly due finances and also as it felt the right thing to do, now I perhaps realise it wasn't and a bit late. What concerns me most in all of this is DD. She feels I am in the wrong but I have just been merely pointing out that lashing out/swearing at people is not acceptable.

You've never sought legal advice?.

What do you think you are both teaching your DD about relationships here?. After all she has stated she has seen you two arguing all the time whereas you seemingly think differently.

Of course lashing out and or swearing at people is not acceptable but you are still showing her that this treatment of you at your H's hands is still acceptable to you.

What is going to happen when your DD is 18?. If she leaves home then (which is not unlikely) she could well decide not to come home all that often to see either of you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I agree and accept part responsibility of course. DD deserves better and whilst there has been issues it isnt like this all the time otherwise I would have taken action sooner. However, I realise this situation is not getting any better and it has become worse as I have become tougher over the years. To date I have not sought legal advice but recognise I should.

Generally speaking abusers are not all nasty all the time because if they were, no-one would want to be with them.

There are likely indeed to have been calm periods in your home but that could have been just the "nice" part (the calm before the storm) of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

It's never too late to seek legal advice and knowledge here too is power.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I can see I have been pretty naive here. I'm sure I'm not the first person to go through this and probably spend the rest of their life enduring it.

I will see about initially getting a free 30 minutes appointment for some legal advice and make some phone calls this week.