Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thoughts welcome

12 replies

Floss9791 · 07/07/2025 08:23

Ladies, I need some independent advice.

I met a guy online and we exchanged messages for about 3 weeks before meeting. We have been seeing each other once a week since and started a physical relationship. He is kind, caring, messages me everyday and buys me little gifts “just because”. We have lots in common and share the same value and ideas about relationships.

But, after 3 months we have not had an open conversation about where we are or what we are to each other. I’ve hinted I’d like to know if we are officially dating but haven’t really had a response.

I don’t want to end up in a situation ship or get my heart broken. I have genuine feelings for this man and I’m scared.

We have 5 children between us, 3 young adults and 2 teenage boys.

I suffer with anxiety and because of past trauma I tend to over think a lot and get myself worked up worry terribly.

I like this man, he makes me feel safe and happy and I think im falling in love. I need some help x

OP posts:
Mushybut · 07/07/2025 08:25

Are you long distance?

FutureCatMum · 07/07/2025 08:27

Stop hinting and ask him? That’s the only way you’ll find out.

InnoculatedImmunity · 07/07/2025 08:34

This is coming from a Man (just visiting for help with my own marriage). I would just gently ask him where he seeing this relationship headed in the next few months? At the same time, I would not come across as someone who is going to pressure him into a commitment now. Just have an open-heart discussion with him, telling him you are starting to really enjoy his company and growing fond of him, and ask him how he feels about you? It sounds like you want something long-term and are getting attached to him. Keep in mind though, depending on how long he has been split from his previous relationship (especially if it was with the children's mother), he may not be ready to commit, so may need some time to figure it out himself. Just my 2 cents.

SunnySideDeepDown · 07/07/2025 08:41

I think the foundation of a successful relationship is honesty. If you aren’t comfortable enough to be honest and ask a normal question like this, then it makes me wonder whether you’re ready for a relationship. You’re being very submissive and passive - why is it his choice if you’re exclusive? It should be mutual. You can’t find yourself in a situationship unless you allow it to happen.

Are you seeking help for your anxiety? You don’t have to coast through life taking what’s given. You are of the age where you should be happy and assertive, not having sex with someone you don’t know if they want a relationship or not (when you do).

I would do two things:

  1. ask him outright. Let him know that you want an exclusive relationship and need to know he wants the same thing.
  2. get a referral for counselling. Confidence is so important in everyday life and you deserve to be able to feel confident to navigate relationships in a healthy way.
inkognitha · 07/07/2025 08:55

You hinted and you haven’t had a response ?
That’s your response.

Also, is that who and how you want to feel in love? Do you think a guy who can’t be honest enough to give you a reply when you ask him where you’re at is worth falling in love and suffering for? Can that essential cowardice, exploitation of your feelings, favours and waste of your time be offset by cute gifts? No, it can’t.

StripyShirt · 07/07/2025 10:23

A sexist generalisation, perhaps, but men often don't notice hints. You will need to be direct.

MeTooOverHere · 07/07/2025 10:36

inkognitha · 07/07/2025 08:55

You hinted and you haven’t had a response ?
That’s your response.

Also, is that who and how you want to feel in love? Do you think a guy who can’t be honest enough to give you a reply when you ask him where you’re at is worth falling in love and suffering for? Can that essential cowardice, exploitation of your feelings, favours and waste of your time be offset by cute gifts? No, it can’t.

He probably hasn't figured out yet that she wants an answer to a question he's not hearing.

Original poster
Floss9791 · 07/07/2025 13:54

I should add that he makes me breakfast in bed when I stay over and he is quite shy and reserved.

I’m probably over analysing everything because of past relationship failures and over worrying.

we have both been single a while now

OP posts:
Original poster
Floss9791 · 07/07/2025 13:56

Yes I am on medication and have had counselling before. I work for the emergency services and my organisation are very helpful and supportive with MH.

OP posts:
80s · 07/07/2025 14:11

I’ve hinted I’d like to know if we are officially dating but haven’t really had a response.
a) it's not up to him to decide your relationship status
b) if you can't hold a direct conversation with him, then it's not just him who's having difficulty communicating - one person has to start talking ...
c) if you meet for dates every week, that is dating - when you do start the conversation, make sure you are clear about what exactly you mean
d) when you have a real conversation with someone, it's amazing. Don't deny yourself that experience.

Gymbunny2025 · 07/07/2025 14:18

Currently you are dating. Do you mean you want to know if it’s exclusive? If he sees you as his girlfriend?

Why not suggest meeting each others friends and see how he introduces you?!

Original poster
Floss9791 · 07/07/2025 15:08

We talk really easily and get along really well, we have agreed to be exclusive, I think I’m just tying to label what we are in my own mind x

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page