Dad - hanhold and advice needed

[40weeksmummy]

Hi everyone,
My dad was a very good father and husband, I have lots of good memories from my childhood with him. However, he fell in love with other women and left us. My parents divorced when I was 13. It was super hard period for me and my mum. We struggled financially and emotionally. We had days when we didn't have any food at home and dad was driving with brand new car at our street. My mum suffered from severe depression and other mental health issues. I was no contact with him until I received call from her girlfriend when I was 21 years old, telling me he had a stroke and wants to see me at the hospital. When I saw him lying in the hospital bed, unable to talk, or even move, I decided to forgive him. One year later, he was completely fine, managed to recover. We started to talk and see each other again.
Then I moved to UK and we used to have a calls every couple of weeks, seeing each other when back home, etc.
However, during these years he asked me money constantly. I used to feel sorry for him, he used to call me saying he doesn't have heating at home for his newborn daughter at winter. But he never paid these "loans" back. I realised he is using me far too late, I sent him around £10 000 in few years time. I minimised the contact again.
He has no more than 1-2 years to live now. Multiple health issues, they will do amputation for both legs tomorrow to give him these 1- 2 years more.
He calling me every single day now, crying, asking for financial help again.
I feel angry. I don't know how to explain it but I feel that he used me too much and needed me only when he is in trouble.
I'm not in position to sponsor him anymore, my husband has serious health issues, I'm only able to do part time because of it, we even get top up from UC.
To be honest- I wish I would never start to talk with him again. But I feel pressure from family to support and help him.
Any advice? What should I do?
I would really appreciate any comments...

OP, I think in your position, I would continue the relationship with your father, but I would make it crystal clear to him and any other family members that you are not in a position to help him out financially; that your DH has serious health issues, and that you need every penny for your own expenses. Enough already - don’t let your father guilt you into giving him more money.

I agree with the OP that it is ok to keep in touch with your Dad but you have to tell him there is no spare money to give him.
It sounds stressful enough with all you have on your plate. Don't be guilt tripped by him, you have no reason to feel guilty as you have tried before to help. It doesn't sound as if he has ever helped you.

Tell your father you simply haven’t got the money to give him. Tell your family members that you haven’t got the money to give him but you can do him a favour, given his ill health, and will not be pressurising him to repay the 10,000 he’s already borrowed from you.

Drop the rope here to dad and do not allow yourself to be manipulated by him like this yet again.

They probably think that as you are in the U.K. you can pay his bills. No. His tears also can be manipulative and he’s likely angling for money again from you.

And if you do want to find out about his current medical condition talk directly to the doctors rather than him.

End the phone call when your father asks about money. You’re being guilt tripped.

Thank you everyone. He knows that my husband has serious health problems and these will be worse over the time, he has Cavernoma, struggling with memory already and I have very limited options for work as my son has SEN and it's impossible to get a childminder for him. We have months that we are short of money, there is no way I could help him even with £100. That's why I feeling frustrated and angry on him as he knows I'm struggling already.

Thank you, my friend works at the same hospital, she even took a photos for me of his medical records. He is at Eastern Europe, things are different there regarding data protection, I called them after his surgery last week, they told me lots of things too.

I can't believe he is asking you for help when you are in this position. Absolutely filthy disgusting behaviour from someone who let you go hungry as a child and destroyed your mum. I would personally minimise contact to texts only.

Yes, and I even have health issues myself, he knows it too, he didn't even asked me how I'm felling in the last couple of years.
So this is my everyday struggle now- from one side I'm feeling sorry for him, remembering nice days from childhood, from other side- simply hate him....

Your description of him as a wonderful husband and parent is wrong. He abandoned you and your mum and left you without enough money to buy food. He was also responsible for the decline of your mum's mental health which must have had a huge negative impact on you.

Why you would ever have given him money baffles me. I can't believe that he had the barefaced cheek to even ask you for this after the way he left you and your mum penniless when he was driving around in a brand new car.

I would be done with him but if you don't want to cut him off completely, at least stop subsidising him. You can't afford it and he doesn't deserve it in the slightest.

OP, he was not a good husband or father, abandoning you and your mother and swanning around in a new car without supporting you.

You sound like a very kind and generous person. He is a manipulative freeloader who just wants to use you. I wouldn’t waste any more time on him, except to send him good wishes, and definitely no more money. Your relatives are using you too. Keep your love and kindness for those who love and respect you xx

I mainly sponsored him because he had a newborn daughter at home. He has at least 3 more kids but I'm only in contact with that girl, she is 12 now. He constantly called me saying they have no nappies, food, etc.

My dad was a very good father and husband
No he really wasn't. He left you (both) to starve despite having loads of money. Maybe if you start thinking that he was a really bad father it might make the guilt less for you now.

Other pp say stay in contact but tell him no more money. I say make peace with yourself and go no contact. Let a bad man go and concentrate on the loving man (DH) in front of you.

Sounds like your dad is manipulating you into handing over cash, and sounds like he has no regards for you whatsoever.

Telling people no who are like that will disappear quite quickly in my experience, and they become vile too, start slandering and can become rather nasty.

Not saying that is how your dad may react, but I want you to say no for ones and see how he reacts, it will tell you a great deal where you actually stand with him.

I know he is your dad, but HE is responsible for his own children he has now, not you, and he is using your caring side, and manipulating you so badly without so much as acknowledgement of what he put you through as a child back in the day. You say he is poorly, that is not your fault, so you need to sort through what is actually genuine about your dad, and where the person who uses you for what you can provide starts, and then work with that.

OP, you owe him nothing.
Look after yourself and your family.
Stop contact if it is stressful as you carry enough.
Wishing you well.

I actually think you should tell him off. Even if you start it with, “dad I love you, and I know you’re ill…”. But I’d go onto say “but you have let me down a lot over my life. Absolutely broke my heart when I was little. And now you’re constantly begging for money from me and never bother asking how I am. You know I have lots of tough stuff going on in my life too. I care about you, but you still don’t seem to think about me. You need to think more. You’ve still got time to do better, to be a decent dad.”

You need to take off the rose coloured glasses with your grifter sperm donor. He was not a good husband and father, he left you guys to starve. He doesn't care about you. He's only in contact with you because he thinks he can get more money from you.

If I were you, I'd tell him he was a horrible father, the Bank of 40weeksmummy is closed and he'll never see another cent from you, and let him rot.

Save your care and concern and money for your husband and son.

Thank you everyone for your messages .I don't have much friends here and can't really discuss it with my husband at the moment. You all just opened my eyes and gave me strength to face the truth.
He called me this morning. I strongly believe he manipultes my sister too, she is only 12 and she sent me messages after our call that "dad feels sad", etc. I told him I have enough issue's going on in my life and I need some time to focus on myself. He mentioned he is short of money, I said the same. It's very hard but finally I believe I'm doing the right thing telling him off...

He definitely needs telling off if he’s guilt tripping your young sister too. What an absolute shit of a father!