Partner sober 4 yrs just relapsed and I'm pregnant

[0Worriedmum3]

Been with DP 10 yrs. He’s had drink issues in the past – nothing violent but just couldn’t stop once he started. It got really bad in lockdown, he was furloughed and just lost all structure. He ended up getting done for drink driving and I told him that was it, I’d leave if he didn’t get help. To be fair to him, he did. AA, proper help, stayed sober 4 yrs. Things had actually been good for a long while.

Last week I found out I’m pregnant – total shock, had the coil in so thought I was safe. Not gonna lie I freaked out a bit. We’ve got 3 DC already and this was not in the plan. I told him and he was… weird. Didn’t say much. Then the next day he was all “whatever you want to do, I’ll support you” and acted calm but you could tell he was knocked by it.

Fast forward to today – I went out with my sister for a couple of hours. First time I’ve done anything for myself in ages. Came back and found him drunk. Full on whisky bottle out, slurring, glassy-eyed, the lot.

Our teen DS (14) had taken the little ones upstairs and put a film on to distract them. He didn’t say anything but I could see it in his face – he knew what was going on and was trying to protect them. Broke my heart.

I tried to say something and DP just looked at me and downed what was left in the bottle like it was a big “f**k you” and went up to bed.

I’ve come down to sleep on the sofa. I don’t feel safe up there. Back when he used to drink, he’d always try it on with me when he was like that and would get really pissy if I said no. Not aggressive but pushy and sulky. Sober he’s never like that, hasn’t been for years. But tonight I just couldn’t.

I don’t know what to do. I’m angry and hurt and scared this is the start of it all happening again. He’s not said a word since it happened, just passed out. I feel like I’m sat here watching my life fall apart and I’ve got another baby coming on top of it all.

I don’t even know what I want from this post. Just needed to write it down.

.

Well from hindsight I’d say kick him out but the reality is I stayed and suffered it for more years until
one day I just couldn’t. Sorry op, it’s a shit situation

See if he carries on drinking or if this was a one off. Lots of people in recovery relapse then stop.

So sorry to read this OP. You must be feeling really shaken.
I think you are doing the right thing for tonight. He needs to sleep it off. Tomorrow you can talk and the way he is will tell you a lot.
Hopefully this is a slip rather than a full blown relapse. He will have learned a lot in 4 years of sobriety, and have tools he can use. I hope he doubles down on them.

Is your 14y okay? He sounds like he handled it really well but it sounds unsettling.

Well, now you know. The getting sober wan't permanent. That alcohol is still his go-to when he's stressed. He's not going to be able to support you.
This pregnancy wasn't planned, and you are going to have to support your 3 DC and protect them from watching DH spiral downwards. Are you actually going to be able to do that if you continue with the pregnancy? Can you afford to?
It's a horrible situation, and my heart goes out to you. I know what being the child of an alcoholic is like, and I watched my Dad get sober 3 times, the last time was for 8 years. He started drinking again, even more heavily than he was before, and died within a year.
You can't trust an alcoholic to keep sober, and you are going to have to face being the only parent that your children can rely on. How will you manage if you bring another baby into the equation?

Bless your 14 year old removing the younger kids.

Lots of people in recovery relapse at times of stress, which this is. I would wait until he has sobered up this morning and talk through his behaviour. Why he went straight to drink, the position he put your children in - particularly the eldest who had to take on the responsibility of your younger children, and why it cannot happen again.
If he wants to commit to sobriety again, then he contacts his sponsor and goes to AA straight away. If he wants to carry on drinking then he does it away from you and the children for safety.
Please also get yourself some support from a friend's and family group, lots of people live with this and will help you decide what you want to do and how to manage when things go wrong if you want to stay.

More of a man than your "DP".

I started off thinking 'oh, he's had a relapse, it happens, wait to see how committed he is to it not happening again.' But then I had a thought. He's had a sudden shock (not that pregnancy is a 'shock', but you know what I mean), and his immediate reaction is to turn to alcohol. Not to talk to someone, not to try other methods to soothe himself - he went straight to the bottle.

He is never going to be trustworthy, I'm afraid.

OP

re your comment

"Our teen DS (14) had taken the little ones upstairs and put a film on to distract them. He didn’t say anything but I could see it in his face – he knew what was going on and was trying to protect them. Broke my heart".

Well done DS. But that was not something he should ever have to have done anyway because he is also a child. He's more of a man about the house than your so called partner.

Alcoholism is also known as the family disease for good reason because you are all affected by the alcoholic in your midst. And now you need to woman up properly and put your children first and foremost now, not this drunk. He is an alcoholic and will be for the rest of his days. He needs to go and go today and you need to decide if you want to continue with your pregnancy. How would you manage financially with another child?. He is not reliable with his children.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it's never been really with you either. Consider ending it for good with him now; where he goes is not your problem. Do not fall for his tears, promises of change or looking at you with puppy dog eyes.

I would also read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour re your man.

You have a choice re him; your kids do not. Make better choices with your kids welfare uppermost in your mind now, not him. They and you deserve better than a drunkard father/partner respectively. What do YOU want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

It's not just stress. He knows you are pregnant and vulnerable- less likely to leave or able to fight back. He knows that. There is this idea out there that addiction is an illness and that addicts are completely powerless. They are not.

People who drink while they have children assume someone else will pick up the pieces and hold family together- usually a woman.
You can't trust this man and don't make excuses for him. He chose to reach out for a bottle.

Your poor DS. Your H can never be trusted. It’s “just one time” he’ll be back on the band wagon until the next time - rinse and repeat.

It will be interesting if he suggests himself going back to AA or if you’ll have to tell him too.

Hope he’s full of remorse this morning sorted out he AA meeting and you managed to get some sleep. 💐