No longer want marital sex

[SugarSpice2020]

Hi,
I’m wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation to me, or has been / can offer advice..
I’ve been married nearly 10 years, have 1 child (5) with husband. There’s been a lot of tension between us, largely since child was born. Child-rearing stresses have played a part naturally. But for me, at the heart is that I’ve realised hubby & I are different people & probably shouldn’t have married to begin with. He’s proven to be a good husband & father (which was a large part of the attraction) so I wasn’t wrong there. & he’s said he appreciates I’m a great mother, & wife domestically. But we just don’t enjoy each other’s company (I don’t anyway) & this has put me off sex with him. I feel so unattracted if we do it at all it’s completely mechanical on my part, which is hurtful & dissatisfying for him.

I can’t see this changing my end. I was never that sexual to start with, & likely age / hormones are now playing a part (though I’m not even pre-menopausal), along with just seeing a spouse every day , doing chores etc. normal but not sexy is it!

So - what to do? We don’t want to divorce for all the obvious reasons; also separation is similar as we live in the US so I could not just leave with our child & return to the UK (which I am greatly missing). So it seems like neither of us wound really benefit from this.

A final solution might be trying to ‘emotionally separate’ (in effect live like room mates with separate lives, no questions asked) but continue to live together & function as a family. Though I’m not sure it’d work. Husband does not want this (& he’s not interested in affairs to alleviate the sexual frustration!) & it seems potentially upsetting & stressful.

But we can’t continue as we are, as the sex part is not working & is upsetting for both of us. We both want to be happy & not live in constant tension (+ boredom / frustration).

Any thoughts or similar experiences? I’m sure it’s a pretty common issue (whether or not husband / wife issues are opposite from mine) after years together…

thanks!

your child is very young, any chance the not wanting to have sex is just because you’re exhausted? Same with the conversation thing? Did you ever have a good relationship? Did you chat in the pub etc etc? Can you set about having uiI time? Or me time if you never get away from the house?

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. You must feel so trapped. You say he’s a great husband and father so that’s something. ATM you are not enjoying his company? But maybe now your child is older you can start to spend more time together/things will get less stressful. Maybe counselling will help you communicate? As/if you get closer you may find some desire returns for him.

for now would separate bedrooms be an option to give you both a bit of space too?

I hope it all works out

Thank you! Yes I do sleep separately as much as possible. We had some counselling - not sure how much it helped long-term. We have agreed to get a babysitter more often so we can at least try to reconnect without constant interruptions!

another thing is I want to return to live in the UK asap & he can’t as his work is in the US. So trying to figure that out.,, anyway I’ll report back if anything major changes for the better!

Thank you! Well tiredness did / does play a part but it would be good if we had better convo - no, it was never great actually. I don’t think he needs good chat as much as I do!
I just find sex now a turn - off, & I feel very inhibited, like it’s my body, don’t touch it!! Anyway maybe I can find a sex therapist (have tried before but we always ended up discussing relationship, whereas the sex part may be deeper seated. Let’s see. Appreciate your comment, thx again!