Did he overreact? Am I in the wrong?

[Sus3568]

I need some advice about whether I’m in the wrong or right. Sorry if its a dull story but don't know if i'm going mad or not!

My partner called and told me he’d booked flights for our forthcoming family holiday. I said well done for being so productive but I was busy with the kids so didn’t really have chance to chat about it. It was really nice he’d done it but he hadn’t consulted anyone in the family. He later text the family WhatsApp group with the flight times and I realised the return was quite late. I called him and said this. He got quite angry and said I always complain and find the negative, and all he wanted was a genuine thank you. He said I should just trust that he’s made the right decision and not question it. I made a joke of it when I asked him about the times, as knew it would get his back up (don’t know why I did it, but I was thinking of other family members). He told me I was being a bitch and proceeded to ignore me for several days.

Is still angry and won’t forgive me until I admit that I’m fully in the wrong. If I can’t agree to this the relationships over and that’s my fault. He’s had enough.

I possibly shouldn’t have said anything because they tried to do a nice thing by booking? Or am I still allowed to voice concerns/opinions despite that nice thing? Kind of understand his position - I know he made probably the best choice on the available flights - but was he justified to react like this?

Why would you deliberately make a joke that you knew would get his back up? And then be surprised when it does exactly that?

Did you communicate with him and let him know that you didn’t want a late flight back (which are generally the cheapest, so it would cost more if he didn’t). If not then he’s done what he thinks is right, and you’ve just criticised him. If you had preferences you should have said. Making a joke at his expense just makes it worse.
You need to apologise. And stop expecting him to be a mind reader.

Can only go on what you’ve posted but would P me off too if I’d booked flights and DP then instead of being grateful made a passive aggressive ‘joke’ about return time being too late. Often times are early or late. It’s part of the holiday experience and likely be a good reason such as earlier being dearer or non existent.

He got quite angry and said I always complain and find the negative

Is he right? This sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back for him. No one wants to be around tireless negativity and whinging, it’s exhausting. Passive aggressive “jokes” aren’t funny and upset people.

He is being absolutely ridiculous in saying that the marriage is over if you don't agree to being completely in the wrong. Is he always so childish and over dramatic?

Of course you are allowed to raise concerns about things like the timing of the flights; you don't have to accept every decision he makes without question, he isn't your boss!

That said, I'm not sure why you thought it was a good idea to say something that you knew would put his back up...can you explain your thinking here?

Would the flights be considered late by most reasonable people? What is the impact of this - will the kids be many hours late to bed and are of an age where this matters?

Basically did he not think about it at all or thought about it and believed it to be fine?

It really depends. Similarly what else do you criticise and is it valid criticism or is his choice generally acceptable but just not exactly what you want?

Also this sounds like poor communication.

It sounds as though it was a realistic option for you to book the flights yourself, what would have happened if you booked them on the same day he did? Surely one of you needs to say 'I'm going to book the tickets'.

Maybe your negative was one too many and it's just made him miserable or he just likes to control things which affects others without consulting them, to say it's over was a reaction to you winding him up, you both need to sit down when it's calmer and discuss what you want from your relationship, it's hard to determine whose in the wrong without more info.

In over 24 years of being in relationships I have NEVER behaved that way towards someone in this context. And I experienced being with people who were critical (making negative comments about my choice of birthday gifts for them etc).

Behind this kind of behaviour nearly always there is sense of entitlement. There is a power imbalance and he sees you as a lesser partner who needs to be greatful and subject to his authority. Be that due to your gender or because your contributions are seen as less then his etc.

You're someone that can be punished and harshly reprimanded hence calling you names and a weeks worth of silent treatment.

The fact that you anticipated his reaction and had a need to de-escalate by turning your concerns into joke shows that you are used to walking on eggshells. If it didn't happen more often you wouldn't be asking if this is normal.

It's normal to feel hurt. It's not normal to have such an abusive overreacting.

Does it really matter if you’re right or wrong? There are clearly issues of communication and general care for each other in this relationship that are far more important than being right or wrong in this particular instance. It sounds like you’re pitched against each other trying to score points and getting annoyed with each other over relatively minor things. Also, name calling is never ok - I’d be far more upset about that than the pointless argument about what time your flight gets in. In 35 years DH has never been rude to me or called me names, not even close. Calling a woman a bitch is completely disrespectful. I wouldn’t put up with it.

Can I suggest that you review how you both behave towards each other and start acting like a team?

Is this the latest in a long line of criticisms and 'jokes' that are intended to get his back up?