Estranged from siblings and devastated. Please advise on how to cope!

[GustyGoo]

Hi all,

I don’t normally post but I’ve been crying all morning and need to feel like I’m not the only one in this situation.
To give some background, I have four sisters - I’m second - we range in age from early thirties to 46. I’m 42. My older sister lives in Australia and has 3 children. As with all family issues this has been brewing for years, and probably stems from the fact that we come from a very broken home, very poverty stricken. It was a very unhappy childhood, and none of us had a good relationship with our dad, who left when I was 12. In spite of this we have (on paper) all got on very well in life. In terms of careers and money anyway. I have a very happy marriage and a three year old DS and a career I love.
It would take me years to detail why all of our relationships have become toxic but I recently (this morning) had to make the decision to not have them in my life anymore. Nothing dramatic- will stay in touch with my nieces and nephew and see them when they are home from OZ at Christmas. And might see the others if we are in the same place or for some family thing- unlikely though.
I also won’t be announcing to anyone that my relationship with them is over. The three younger ones, they don’t have children, they hang out and chat a lot to each other, for the last ten years there has been a lot of strife between me and each one of them. They all bitch a lot about each other and about our mother - this is something I’ve always found upsetting.
In the last few years they have kind of frozen me out, they don’t bother at all with my DS- even though they often post into the family group about how great my oldest sisters kids are and how much they miss them. They would never text or call, didn’t get in touch when I was ill, and have basically been quite cruel and mean in various ways. This is aimed at me, and not my older DS in Oz, they get on with her when she’s home.
Since my DS was born, all of this has been a constant source of pain for me and I’ve tried reaching out but have always been hurt. This morning my DH (who is the most kind and considerate person I know) said that I should let them go, move on and stop hurting myself. He is right. But I think I’m so upset because something inside me has now changed, I lost the hope I had to have a close family and that this would get sorted. I’ll never be able to hang out with them, have fun, have big dinners together as a family, etc. etc.
Is anyone else totally estranged from their siblings and how do you cope with it? I feel like a failure…

OP, you have inadvertently put this on the Food/Recipes board.

You might like like to report your own thread (report your opening post using the button on the bottom right) and ask that MNHQ move it to somewhere like Relationships.

Good luck. Family issues are surprisingly common, but nevertheless hurtful

Thanks! And sorry @TheAutumnCrow am new to posting 😖

Oh don't worry; it's easily done!

It can be all too easy to post on the wrong section but MN have now moved your post to Relationships.

Your mother was also a part of this dynamic when you were all growing up. Did she stay with her H until you were 12 and he left?. By then though the emotional harm done to you all as their children was almost complete.

How old are your niece and nephew?. Are they still living at home with their parents?. If they are close to their mother in particular they may not want to see you readily because of not wanting to upset their mother. Hopefully they will be allowed to make up their own mind.

Are you all now living on different continents?. They seem to get along with your eldest sister so why this apparent hate for you?. Is it possibly because they think you've defended your mother somehow?. They are some years younger than you and their recollections vary.

All I can say to you OP is that for a whole range of reasons dating back to childhood, I am also NC with all my siblings, not always of my own doing. Yes it hurts but as the years go on I have got used to it. It does make for a peaceful life and it is now as if they never were.

I’m also second eldest of 5. Estranged / lost 2 sisters and my DF. I cried and grieved for years and Ive eventually coped by telling myself they are dead. Ive had to move on because it was destroying me completely.
so incredibly sad.
i feel deeply for you OP

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you…
my father was an alcoholic who was never at home and my mother suffered a lot of emotional and financial abuse from him. She managed to get him out of the house after she discovered he was unfaithful, and he didn’t bother with us much after that.
He died alone and very bitter and angry about 12 years ago. We were not in touch.
My mother is really difficult and was hard on us…. We are all angry in our own way, but since having my DS I can understand how awful it all must have been for her- I am going through an early perimenopause with symptoms that needed a strong HRT dosage…. She never got this, her gp wouldn’t prescribe (imagine!?) back in the day and I also know can see how hard her life was.
My older DS is on another continent, not involved in all the nastiness with me, but she has always been a cold fish, and horrible to my mother. I love her children though and keep an okay relationship with her… the odd call about the kids etc.
all the others live within an hour of me, they see each other and my mum…. But can be quite horrible with her, which is upsetting now that she’s old and actually much nicer now!
yes you are right re, my mother, final straw was that I tried to kindly say to one that we should try and be tolerant…. She’s old, etc, and it became a massive row.
im just so lonely for my sisters…. When we were in our twenties we all got on, but yes, damage from childhood manifests for years and in lots of ways

Thank you so much @DamnedIfIDoDamnedIfIDont in tears here but so consoled to know others feel like this, I’m so sorry for you…. It’s hard

All you can control is your own relationships.

You didn’t have the same childhood as your sisters- you saw different things at different ages, had different support systems and different coping strategies.

So you can’t judge their anger with your mum. You certainly can’t tell them to be nicer/kinder etc, just because you have experiences that helped you understand.

You can say ‘wow, perimenopause is a bitch even with HRT. I’m starting to get why mum was volatile without it!’ That’s as far as you can go.

You don’t need to cut anyone off, just accept they aren’t an important part of your life and stop expecting things from them and the relationship.

It sure is hard. But as we can’t control other people’s lives only our own, it’s s important we do whatever we must to not only survive but allow ourselves to thrive.
big gentle hugs OP

Would it help to recognise that your fantasy of big happy family get-togethers was just that - a fantasy. That even if you had them, they would probably be fraught with tension, bitching, favouritism etc.

The decision you are making is based on protecting your desire for a happy family. It may be a smaller nucleus than you had imagined but that is better than a big, toxic family. You can replicate those ideals by making friends with a couple of other local families who share your values and having BBQs and birthday parties etc, so DC get to socialise in that way.

You could focus more on your lovely DP's family perhaps.

I distanced our DC from my parents as my father in particular was dangerous. It was a shame as on the surface they were very popular, sociable people who threw big parties. But underneath he was a cruel man and unreliable around children. DH's family lived far away, so our family shrank to just the four of us. But we became very close. We created our own rituals and now that DC are adults, I am so happy that they love being home and spending time with us when they can. That's better than a big family full of spite.

Wow, thank you @Stormroses that really helps….

Yes, @myplace you are right about that, my DH said the same thing…. I just shouldn’t have said that. And also to one sister that I have a really bad relationship and was hoping to mend with this get together, it was something that I had been getting very worked up about recently and I blurted it out, I apologised a lot and also told her I was sorry and sad about everything that had been going on…. We “made up” but I knew when we left each other that we won’t be in touch and that there’s just so much hurt and pain over the years that it’s kind of over with them.
And as I said, I won’t cut them out entirely but we won’t see each other… I know that. This sister saw my DS for the first time yesterday since his second birthday (apart from saying hello once through the car window at our mums), he’ll be 4 in a couple of months. And I know the last conversation has not been good for us so…..
thanks for posting x