Partner struggling with being intimate

[Gina1989]

Hi everyone sorry it’s a long one and possibly a bit TMI but I’ve been up all night with lots on my mind.

Basically my partner can’t get an erection with me. I think he’s masturbating too much/watching too much porn, he sits up all night playing video games and is always on his phone. Just rotting his brain, it makes me feel dirty as he’s started pulling my hair and grabbing round my neck to try and get hard.

I’ve just had a baby 10 weeks ago we have had sex but had to say sometimes I’m still quite sore so maybe not tonight as he can be a bit rough. We need to take it slow and steady for a bit but this makes him just lose interest.

He said I can’t expect him to not want pleasure which I understand but then don’t come crawling into bed later on after you’ve done it and being rough trying to get an erection?? He constantly sneaks off to the bathroom with his phone several times in the night and it’s giving me horrible anxiety I literally feel sick that I’m lying in bed waiting for him and he’s in the bathroom doing god knows what it’s making me feel dirty!

We could be intimate in other ways on the nights I don’t feel up to it, kissing cuddling and I don’t even mind helping him out but the first thing that comes to his head is to run to the bathroom with his phone. Which he has done twice tonight.

I feel like I’m not enough, I could go weeks without it waiting for my partner to feel up to it as I want that connection with them and not seek external sources of pleasure, it sounds so dramatic and it’s probably my hormones but it’s really upsetting me, feel like I could have a panic attack when he walks back into the room, especially when he just gets back into bed and turns his back on me when I know what he’s been doing.

He must think I’m stupid, I said to him last night can’t you get it up again and he just went no and put on his boxers and turned over to play on his phone, I just felt a horrible feeling in my stomach feel like I’m being used nothing is done to pleasure me, just all about him and if he can’t he just rolls over and I’m just left lying there, it’s disgusting.

I acted stupid and said why do you think it’s happening and he said “I’m not sure love it’s since the baby you’re just mum so it’s hard for me” the absolute cheeky b*stard!!! I said “don’t you dare blame it on me you’ve rotted your brain strangling your penis to porn” and he was just going to “what? What?” Acting like he didn’t know what I was on about.

I honestly don’t even want to be near to him at the minute, my skin literally crawls when he starts rubbing up against me. Again probably my hormones making it worse lol.

I just don’t know what to do or say about it, I’m vulnerable and needy at the minute and don’t want a massive argument. Am I being over the top or unreasonable to be bothered by it? I’m usually not bothered by masturbating and having a healthy relationship with porn as I have watched it myself, but it’s starting to affect our lives now, it’s starting to affect me. We’ve never had this problem before, it’s only been really the past 2/3 weeks it’s started happening.

I just want him to go away but is that a bit extreme? How can I have a real conversation about it and what do I say? Has anyone else had a problem with their partner doing anything like this?

Sorry it’s long and maybe a bit TMI but I haven’t got anyone to speak to about it and it’s really embarrassing.

Thank you everyone

The comment about him being a mum is disgusting! I would find it hard to move past this.

He’s not providing you with any intimacy, he’s just trying to use you as toy and focussing on what makes him aroused rather than both of you.

I think you need to tell him everything you’ve written here, be honest with him! Explain how awful this has made you feel, tell him it’s really made you look at him in a different light.

The way we get ourselves turned on can change over the years. My dh and I hit a rough patch and I know a lot of couples who have been the same but it’s something you need to work through together, not him turning to his phone and shutting you out.

You had a baby ten weeks ago and all he cares about is getting a shag. Urgh. Leave him. Disgusting, it won’t get better. You haven’t mentioned anything positive about him.

You’ve only recently given birth, you’re still sore and he doesn’t care because he needs to get pleasure? Well what a prize you’ve got there!

He’s a selfish immature porn addled twat - I’d be reply less by a ‘man’ who acted like this.

Urgh. This is disgusting. Running off ro the bathroom to watch hardcore porn, it just really repulses me.
Break up with him. You are 100% not unreasonable. I dont want to sound crude but its basically like he's using you as a glory hole.

I don’t think many people can say more than so sorry you are in this situation, but you need to leave this has many warnings signs and very much doubt anything will radically change back unfortunately.

I'm at a loss regarding male culture, we're going backwards in terms of misogyny and sexual attitudes. You've only just had a baby, where is his care towards you and his responsibility as a father. I'm 60 so understand my generational beliefs may be different but constant gaming in grown men confounds me and use of pornography just seems counter intuitive to a respectful and loving relationship. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole

Free, easily accessed porn has ruined society. I’m not being overly dramatic. Seems like there is a thread like this every other day. This won’t get better.

I used to think I wouldn’t be so bothered about men / a partner watching porn (used to watch it myself before I realised the damage it was doing to me) but now I would see it as a red flag. It’s not even more normal stuff now so much as aggressive, misogynistic and vile, men choking women. Hitting them. They are then unable to have intimate, loving sex (which is what it is supposed to be about, by the way. Not the man ‘getting off’)

I’m sorry you had a baby with this man but you need to leave.

he’s started pulling my hair and grabbing round my neck to try and get hard

I’ve just had a baby 10 weeks ago...I’m still quite sore...he can be a bit rough

He constantly sneaks off to the bathroom with his phone several times in the night

he just gets back into bed and turns his back on me when I know what he’s been doing

feel like I’m being used nothing is done to pleasure me

I honestly don’t even want to be near to him at the minute, my skin literally crawls when he starts rubbing up against me

Please stop gaslighting yourself and blaming it on your hormones.

What would you advise a sister or a friend who was being treated similarly? What would you advise a daughter?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it’s very easy for Mumsnetters to say to leave him but you’re a new mum ands it’s not easy. The comment he made about being mum is completely abhorrent and disgusted for you that he made such a line. He is projecting his guilt there as he knows he can’t get hard because he’s “beat his meat” too much.

My Advice firstly would be to focus on yourself; all mums, especially new mums, lose themselves a little. I don’t even mean physically, but mentally the stress is so tough that you begin to question sanity - how many times have you blamed your hormones?

You may view pornography different yourself now you’ve had a child and that’s why it’s only bothered you since, especially if it was a girl. My understanding that a lot of the woman for porn are being sex trafficked etc and without their consent is soul destroying.

Partner is being gross and disgusting and I do feel you need to have that conversation with him. Too many men are addicted to porn and not realising, the fact he’s having that many aswell is actually bordering on addiction. Maybe ask him to leave his phone when he goes to the toilet and explain you know he’s watching porn, and you’re unhappy with it. All I would say, is mr partner used to have an unhealthy relationship with porn (up to 6 times a day), however I gave him an ultimatum when we got together that he either stops or leaves as I consider it to be cheating. At first he lied and hid it and we broke up. He then stopped and now realises the impact it had on him. Our sex life has never been better and that’s since having a baby. He is very open with his phone and he now tells me if he wants sex, and if I say no, he then says he will masturbate (without porn) or asks me to “play” with it lol.

I would also add, it’s very weird he’s sneaking off the toilet especially during the night. He’s either wanking or cheating - maybe he’s a little old for this, but does he have Snapchat? If he does, I’d be concerned.

take care xx

Thank you for the replies, I wish in hind site I would of asked what he meant by the mum comment but I was just so annoyed that it didn’t even register properly what he actually said I just heard “it’s your fault” in my head.

Not sure whether he means about me having a mum body and it’s not doing it for him or that I’m so focused on being a mum that he’s feeling left out or something, but I will bring it up later and just ask what he meant by it. He’ll probably make an excuse for saying it though don’t think he’ll tell the truth of what he meant.

I’ve been on to what he’s been doing for a while but the past 4 nights he’s made no attempt to even hide it, my anxiety is through the roof, I can’t eat or sleep feel like I’m going to throw my insides up it’s awful! About 4 nights ago, he was touching me and couldn’t get it up so he started masturbating next to me which weren’t working so he literally just got up grabbed his phone and went to the bathroom. Clear as day in my face. So it just clarified my suspicions.

I wish then I would of just gone your disgusting but I just said “god you’ve been on your phone in there for ages” which he said he weren’t, the next night he was purposefully not taking his phone with him to throw me off (think he knew I was onto him) but he was in there for like 30/40 minutes obviously trying to masturbate without content, I knew what he’d been doing when he come back to bed, this sounds disgusting I’m so sorry but feel like I can smell when he’s been doing it, I don’t know what it is I just know.

I’ve also been googling about this a lot and found so many threads about woman going through the same thing, it’s so sad that men would rather watch porn then make love to their partner it’s really sad

I really identify with your post OP because my DH is now the same. We had a particularly upsetting experience last night which I can’t even get into. You’re not alone, but I have no idea what the answer is.

It's not your hormones, and you're disgusted because he's being disgusting. He's addled himself so much with porn that he now can't have normal sex.

Don't accept this. He's not seeing you as the person he loves and wants to make love with, he's seeing you as a porn prop. He's not listening to you.

It's up to you what you decide to do, but I do know that I could never move past this.

Porn literally changes (ruins) your brain chemistry so unless he gives it up completely this won’t change.

I haven’t had sex for two years (single for a long time) and I noticed a vast improvement in the quality and intensity of my orgasm when I gave up watching that crap. It had become convenient, but left me disconnected from my own body and my own pleasure. For men as well, they often need to watch more and more extreme content to get the same effect. It’s a literal drug and should be treated as such.

The best sex I’ve ever had was with a man who didn’t watch porn.

Honestly OP, this man is going to destroy your self esteem. Unless he suddenly has a personality transplant or some kind of epiphany and then spends considerable time and effort confronting his misogyny, his masturbation and porn addiction, his emotional immaturity etc and basically turns into a different person, it's very difficult to see a happy ending here.

Do you have any other support in real life? Can you just shelve your relationship problems for the time being while your baby is small? I can understand if it feels too big to deal with right now. So perhaps just find a way to try and disconnect emotionally, not have sex, and instead seek support from parents, siblings, friends etc, and get through the newborn phase. And then pick this back up when you're feeling stronger and deal with the practicalities?

The situation you are describing is untenable.

@Gina1989 READ THIS. And then again. Let it sink in. Then throw the pos out, or you leave. ‘Rough’ sex when you don’t want it is rape.