Dh not contactable and lieing where he was

[NotPerfectlyAdverage]

Dh is supposedly working all weekend and on call at his on site accommodation. He said he would call me tonight. I tried to call him but it rung out. He wasn't visible on any apps either.

I called again a hour later and still no reply. I just had a weird feeling so went over. The accommodation was unlocked which isn't great as it's basically full of valuables like my jewellery, laptops, TV etc. I tried to call him again but no answer. I left at 11.30pm and he called sounding a bit pissed up. I asked him where he had been. He said at home. I said I tried to call. He said his phone was on silent. I said I called the landlines. He insisted he was home. I said I went over and he then said he was on a call out. I said till midnight? He sounded pissed up.

He then admitted he'd been to a staff party. Why lie about it? At best he was pissed on call out duty. Or he lied about work to go to a party and kerp it from me. Or he has another reason to lie.

He knows I go out with my friends, get pissed etc. I don't lie or hide things from him. Why would he lie? The first thing my mind springs too is something to hide.

I am so stressed out with doing ucas forms, ehcp annual reviews. Too parties over 20 miles from home, tidying the house for ds girlfriend visiting from abroad etc and it seems he has lied to go to a party. Or worse. I told him how stressed I was on Thursday.

Maybe he lied because he felt guilty about how stressed you were, but selfishly still wanted to go to the party - could it be as innocent as that?

Noticed any other suspicious behaviour?

‘I was home…phone was on silent…was on a call out…was at a party.’

@NotPerfectlyAdverage, I empathize with your unsettled feelings. There will be a reason that your H repeatedly lied and attempted to keep you in the dark. He may still be lying, as there is no reason to be dishonest over a work party. I’d be wondering if there is a certain person he doesn’t want you to know about.

Does he have any history of dodgy behavior? Has he shown any behavior changes lately?

As he was so invested in telling you multiple lies, I would investigate his phone to try to get to the bottom of this. Although he has likely deleted anything telling, you might find something in the coming days after the dust settles.

His behaviour is pretty much the same. There's no reason to lie about a works party. Sometimes I'm invited to them. It's the having his phone off all the time he was out ( 8 hours he wasn't available on messenger). Thinking about it he does that more during work days too now. He used to pick up messages but doesn't.

There's a younger woman started at his work. He lent her our kids telly without even asking me which I thought was really weird. I bought the TV off FB for £25. It's pretty easy to pick up a old telly cheap and it felt like he responded when when said she needed a TV by giving her the kids one rather saying you can get them easily on FB. It was the not asking me that I thought was strange. I had to ask when I noticed it had gone

I'm pretty sure he was trying to impress her.

If something had happened to the kids he was totally unavailable which he has done in the past as well but years ago. Everyone else tends to go to the work parties with partners.

I've got to look at the uni open days, ucas points needed, do theory tests for ds theory test next week, go through dd draft EHCP for a review meeting tomorrow and drive a 50 mile round trip to a party.

He should extra hours off for every call out but says he has no time off for sports days and meetings.well after this weekend he should have hours off if he ws a busy as he says

What kind of on-site accommodation is this if your jewellery is there? Do you also live there at times?

Why are you doing theory tests if it's your son doing the theory test? And UCAS forms ? Are the forms for you ? I don't think giving his workmate a £25 telly means he is having an affair. He sounds like he was being kind. He should be contactable though. I'd pull him up about that and making sure the office with your stuff in it was locked.

Yes I do

Our son has SEN and goes to a sen School. His executive functioning is a bad. I want to see if he can pass the theory test by doing it with me. It's next week and he isn't ready. He has had 12 hours of lessons and said he is ready to past the practical test! Same with UCAS. he has chosen AAB entrance grades. He is predicted ACD so he needs to choose a few realistic options.

I could leave him to to to learn a harsh lesson but he has had a ehcp since 7 and been in a sen School for 8 years now. I don't think it's kind to watch him fail. Driving maybe it's not a big deal by choosing a uni via clearing as you put Russel groups down with learning difficulties feels a bit mean.

Also someone needs to drive him to uni open days so we need to sit down and check who's free on what day.

Do you suspect he's cheating?

Not really but he's obviously got good reason to lie about something very minor. Why I don't know. Also turning his phone off.

It isn’t kind to give a TV that belongs to your kids, that your wife sourced on Facebook and organised etc, to a colleague without checking with the wife and kids about whether the TV can be gifted.

It is kind to the —younger, exciting— colleague, but is absolutely NOT kind to the kids or the wife!

So this is the second time recently that your H has shown secretive behavior.

He wanted to please his new female colleague so he gave her your children’s TV without even checking/mentioning it to you or them. How very disrespectful. Now he has been incommunicado for 8 hours and told multiple lies about his whereabouts. He met your questions with deception without considering that you had actually gone to the accommodation.

I don’t accept lying and duplicity in my marriage.

@NotPerfectlyAdverage, I suspect that his latest sneaky move is also about this new woman who would have been at the party. His head has turned, and he is willing to disrespect you and breach your trust. That he has stopped checking his messages at work is also telling. He needs to be pulled up on all he has to lose if he doesn’t shut this down.

Your relationships is supposed to be a partnership. You need a calm conversation about being equals.
In an ideal world you need a conversation about appropriate relationships with work colleagues & what emotional affairs are.

Relationships are work and they need nurturing. Do you still want to be together? Remember the excitement of the early days of your relationship.

I do think his head has been turned. He has said it was just a work party he was invited to at the last minute but no acknowledgement of lying to me. That's been glossed over.

Hopefully he can start with the "my wife doesn't understand me" as I certainly don't.

I’ll always be the last person to say this but usually on threads like this it turns out they are having an affair.

@NotPerfectlyAdverage, you mustn’t allow his lying and manipulation to be glossed over. He must answer for that. He is clearly up to something and feels entitled to treat you (and the children) like something he stepped in.

Still no acknowledgement of the lies. Undoubtedly just wants me to forget anything has happened. No asking how I got on with the kids or the various jobs I had to do. I didn't get any of them done in the end. He said he been busy tidying up his work flat but that's in the exact same mess.

He was supposed to help me tidy up our house as we have a visitor from overseas staying for a month but that didn't get done either. I had a two hour drive to a kids party that lasted for three hours then cocked dinner. By the time I'd done the washing nothing got tidied up.

@NotPerfectlyAdverage, are you verbally listing his lies — that he was home when he wasn’t; that he went on a call out when he hadn’t — and telling him that he clearly had an agenda to hide going to the party? Are you telling him that you won’t tolerate his devious dishonesty and contemptuous behavior.

He also needs to be pulled up for checking out of his parenting and marital responsibilities and for being out of touch when he has children with disabilities.

I couldn’t stay with a man who showed so little care and respect for me and my children. He needs to experience consequences, @NotPerfectlyAdverage.

Yeah… my STBXH did stuff like this.

I discovered lots of little untruths and bigger lies that have ultimately ended our marriage.
I don’t believe there was infidelity, but he hid so much stuff from me and glossed it over.
my part in this was that I had a niggling feeling that something wasn’t correct but I didn’t want to face it and so ket things go, as otherwise, we were happy.

however, we weren’t happy. We just weren’t communicating. And now I am getting divorced and the trust is gone.

don’t let him manipulate you. This is not ok.

I said about the TV at the time and demanded he got it back. I told him it was the fact he never thought to ask me or tell me. I just walked into their room to find it gone and then him insisting it wasn't a big deal. So him telling me how I needed to react. I was then looking to buy a reconditioned TV off Cuureys for a few hundred so he could gift ours to her.

I haven't seen him face to face yet as he's been at work but messaged him a few times

I told him twice about the lieing being the problem and he glossed over it the first time and ignored it the second.

Rather than help me with everything that needs sorting this week, he is hindering me or doubling my load. He obviously doesn't care I'm struggling. One of his friends is supposed to be cleaning our house for our guests arrival tomorrow. I didn't have time to move stuff around or clear things away. He can either deal with that embarrassment or cancel her.

@NotPerfectlyAdverage, I now see that you haven’t yet seen him in person.

He is clearly invested elsewhere. He has a self-serving agenda to distance himself from you and the children while acting like a single guy who appropriated their TV for his crush and made himself available to her without interruption at the work party, which of course involved duping and lying to you.

He couldn’t care less that you are running yourself ragged to support him and your children while he swerves pulling his weight. In his view, he doesn’t have to answer to you, and he is unbothered about causing you anxiety and hurt. The truth is that he feels entitled to ride roughshod over your feelings and boundaries to pursue this illicit validation and double life.

I really do hope you will read him the riot act and tell him to leave. If anything will shock him out of this fog of infatuation and into a remorseful state, it will be feeling the loss of you.