Finally at breaking point...now what.

[WaningCrescent19]

Do I stay or go? Advice needed from anyone who's been through it, especially parents

I've been with my husband for just over 10 years and we have two kids, aged 7 and 5. I'm now seriously questioning whether divorce is the right option and I’m hoping for some input, especially from those who’ve walked this road before or are co-parenting after a separation.

I don’t think my husband is built for parenthood. That’s not me trying to be mean or bitter, he’s just completely disengaged. He doesn’t play with the kids, doesn't plan fun things for them, has no idea when they have clubs or what they even enjoy. He’s never bought them clothes or toys and I could count on one hand the number of times he’s taken them out by himself. And even then, it was usually because I found something, booked it, and nudged him into going.

He’s a shouty, disciplinarian type of parent. I’m not perfect, I lose it sometimes too, but I generally try to explain things and talk things through. I only raise my voice when it’s really needed, like if they’re running near roads. I actually love being a mum. I get overstimulated like anyone else but I want to wrestle and play and enjoy the chaos. He just doesn’t. He spends most of his time glued to his phone or computer.

He works shifts with early starts like 4am, and that makes him tired and irritable. But it feels like the entire family has to absorb the fallout whenever he's in a mood. Meanwhile, I work a high-pressure job from home. And somehow, because I work from home, I’m expected to do the bulk of housework, parenting, admin and everything else. He helps occasionally, but it’s always minimal or half-done. He’ll hoover one room and leave the rest. Puts clothes in the wash but only folds his own. He won’t touch the gross jobs, like cleaning toilets. I’m the one who finds tradespeople, plans renovations, sets up bills, renews insurance. I even manage his own paperwork and accounts. He just transfers a set amount into our joint account each month.

He's also very self-centered in ways that seem small but add up. He’ll book a dentist appointment for himself and never once think to ask if the kids are due a check-up. If I travel for work, he won’t adjust his schedule. I’ve had to rush home from events on three-hour train rides just to make sure someone’s there for the kids. If he’s unwell, he shuts himself away. If I’m unwell, I’m still doing packed lunches and bedtime stories.

Lately when I talk to him, he doesn’t even look up from his phone. I’ve just stopped bothering. He rarely socialises now and seems to resent me for seeing friends. It feels like he punishes me for it. If I’m hungover the next day, he won’t even think to take the kids out so I can rest. And when we argue or hit a rough patch, he freezes me out completely. He won’t talk to me for days. And he knows how much I hate that.

Counselling is off the table. He would never agree and even if he did, he’s so stubborn I don’t think anything would get through.

What scares me is how emotionally checked out I’ve become. We had a rough patch a few months ago, the kind that used to leave me crying and fretting. And I realised I hadn’t even shed a tear. I just felt numb. And that terrified me.

I know I don’t love him anymore. I don’t feel attracted to him. I get irritated by small things he does. But I still like him in some ways. We do laugh together. We can be fun. There’s a friendship still there. But the relationship is hollow. We’re just existing side by side. If it weren’t for the kids, I wouldn’t hesitate. But they are everything to me. And the thought of not seeing them every day is killing me.

I did the whole "you don't do much around the house or with the kids etc" speech and he actually seemed to take it in and started taking kids out for park visits, days out. It was fab. It lasted 2 weeks and he went back to the same old. I genuinely think it just completely isn't natural to him and he just couldn't keep up with it. I think this just irritated me more and made me realise that this cycle will just carry on happening.

I had a migraine this morning and we were meant to meet friends in the afternoon. But as it involved alcohol, I decided I am not going (last thing I need with a migraine that's just about staved off with strong painkillers). My little one has swimming in the mornings and she loves it so much, I literally dragged myself out of bed, vision blurry and he just decides he's going to the gym and so I have to also drag my other one along with me, whilst I'm barely functioning. Then he's gone out and not once, in the past 10 hours has he messaged me to check in to see how I'm feeling. I had no issues about him going out in the slightest, it's been booked for ages. But to have so little care and compassion for me, when literally one quick message would take 2 secs to type...that's just told me everything I needed. He came home, brushed his teeth and not once came up to see me, whilst I sit there putting the kids' washing away. He's either freezing me out, though I have no idea why, but I think he's just checked out himself. We were both on the same page of separating last time we had a busy up in February but then we just kind of stayed living together and got back to near normal somehow. I need him to move out but it will be a struggle to find a place near us to rent on his budget. Will I be forced to remortgage to give him equity?

We live in a house near school and I couldn't afford to sell up and find another house in same area alone though I could just about afford to stay in this house without him. Emotionally though, I’m terrified. Will they be ok? Will I be ok?

I know I'll cope fine with being a single mother. I've been pretty much doing it all their lives anyways. But I am so worried about impacting them but honestly, he's been fairly absent (more emotionally than physically) most of their lives anyways. They haven't asked once where he was today...

I guess I’m looking for reassurance or wisdom or honesty. Especially from anyone who’s made this choice as a parent. I just want to know that if I leave, my kids won’t be damaged forever. That I can still build a happy life for them and for me.

I don't think you have to worry about not seeing your children every day. It seems very unlikely that he will want to look after them on his own as he doesn't now, when he doesn't have the effort of having to come to collect them and then drop them off. He's living like a single man who has annoying house mates that he barks at from time to time.

You might not get someone say this on your post but, on others, I've seen people say that they wished their parents had divorced: that living with two miserable parents was horrible. Children do pick up on the tension. Yours will certainly be aware that he gets cross with them over little things. Things that are just part of being a kid.

I think it will be far easier for you to make a happy life for your children if your husband lives elsewhere. And I think you will feel a great weight is lifted off you once he has gone. The first step is to talk to a solicitor, who will be able to explain the financial side and practical co-parenting aspects. Doing that doesn't mean you have to take further steps right now, but it will give you information you need to help you make a decision.

I fell out of love with my DH when the kids were about 5 until they were about 11. I suspect my DH fell out of love with me a bit in those years too.

In hindsight I think we were both just too exhausted and over stretched by the kids and (for him) work to have enough for each other as well. Not that we didn't (both) have some selfish traits and habits that encouraged that rather than bringing us together, but most of it was just that there wasn't enough to go round.

As the kids got older we fell back in love. And I'm glad I didn't give in to my thoughts of divorce in those years. So I do think there are rough patches that marriages can weather and come back to being great again.

But there are a lot differences between your situation and mine. My DH obviously loved our kids. He was forgetful about them and unengaged on the details like dentists and shoe sizes, what day clubs were, etc. One year he completely forgot about their birthday until his parent asked what to get them two days before. But he loved them. He took them out. He played with them. He read to them every night and as they got older that became a chat with each of them that he keeps up even now that they are teenagers in the last years of school. That we still had that shared priority, even though it didn't feel fair and he seemed to just do all the bits he wanted and leave all the grunt work for me, kept me there. Your DH seems to have rejected his family and is just there for the housekeeping? I don't know if I could have stayed with that. If nothing else - how does that make your kids feel?

I must say I like @RawBloomers post. Marriage and parenting is a marathon not a sprint and you will find there will be times it's not 50/50 which is what you are experiencing.

As you have already identified, divorce comes with a whole new set of challenges that you might find even more difficult to navigate. You seem well equipped to be the perfect mum to your kids. Your DH clearly needs you as well. Once you become single and start inevitably searching you will find yourself in a totally different dynamic that you might not be as well equipped to handle.

Life is not a fairytale, I would say, weather the storm. You still laugh now and then. Enjoy those times, make time for each other so that there is room to talk and bond. Kinds add a strain to marriage. Maybe send them to their grandparents so you both can find the spark again. You will have to take the lead for now. In your shoes, would be very reluctant to throw out the baby and the bath water.

Stay together for whose sake exactly 2025bump and OP?. It’s not easier to stay with such a man and his silent treatment is emotional abuse.

You do not love him
any more OP not surprisingly.

Your children will not thank you for staying and what are they going to remember about their childhoods?, Their dad shouting at you all-like some sergeant major. They are being impacted by seeing that daily whilst you both look on and cop it from him too.

Her DH needs her primarily to bark at and otherwise facilitate his life. He can now find someone else to do his books and cleaning.
plan your exit now and be brave. Do not kick this can down the road

It seems pretty grim but @RawBloomers is right that marriages can revive and re-bloom again.

I wonder what might change if he changed jobs and worked day shifts? Unsocial hours are notoriously bad for human health and it could be that he is suffering from long term sleep disruption. I am not saying that to excuse him in any way, just that some of his behaviour rings a bell in that regard. Does he change when on holiday?

It might be worth a final effort or ultimatum, given that you are so close to the brink anyway.

I personally couldn’t live in that unbalanced way, the resentment would eat away at me. He won’t want 50-50. Life is short. I left and don’t regret it.

My point is that we are often too quick to decide that it's better to throw things away than mend them.

This is marriage, so at some point they were both in love and the reason he married her could very well be because of the strengths she listed that he clearly doesn't possess.

He must have some strengths that she saw in him too, but the weight of parenting doesn't allow her see those anymore. I just wonder if the spark needs to be reignited.

If he hadn't died last year I'd think you were married to my husband, because he was exactly like this. I made the mistake of staying and we lived virtually separate lives under the same roof. It was miserable though because he was controlling and I too would get the silent treatment if I 'stepped out of line' (in his eyes). When our two DC got older he started picking on them too and they'd often ask me when I was going to leave him.

It wasn't until the kids were virtually grown that we went. I'd received a good redundancy package from work and it gave me the funds to find a new place. Best time of our lives being free of him and his horrible, uncaring ways.

I understand your predicament because I couldn't have afforded to rehouse me and the DC locally prior to the redundancy. With hindsight though I wish I'd looked into it more and found out what options there were, or what benefits I could have got to help me out. Remember also that your H is setting an example here. Your DC will grow up thinking this is how men behave in relationships and that women are there to do everything.

@WaningCrescent19
It sounds like a miserable life with your dh.
I take my hat off to you, you've given it your best shot, you've put up with his nonsense, I assume, since your 7 yr old was born?

That's plenty long enough.

He's not going to change and one day you'll wake up, the dc will be off your hands and you're still be stuck with your "D"h wondering what the hell happened.

One thing I've learnt is that life's too short to waste on someone who doesn't deserve you.

I just want to scream at you "save yourself before it's too late"
(I'm talking from experience)

He's not going to want 50/50, he may have them EOW but he's not suddenly going to turn into a parent.

I feel very sorry for not only you but your dc too.

Be warned though that the likelihood is that he will want his share of the house, he won't walk away with nothing, he probably won't even move out unless you actually divorce him and divide your assets.

Dsis has just been through similar, the courts favour a clean break and a fair division of assets, housing dc in their own home isn't a factor, as my dsis discovered, neither are the courts concerned that the primary parent is left without enough funds to house themselves and their dc.

The lack of compassion is just corrosive, isn’t it, he’s leaving you to struggle and suffer and just looking out for number 1. Rough patch is one thing, but when you can’t talk about it and he start disengaged with the kids…Not surprised you don’t have feelings for him anymore, it’s okay to leave.

you may end up living in a less desirable area in a smaller house further from school, if that is the case, you will be fine. you will your place lovely and you might find there’s other people in your situation living in the same area.

yes, your kids will probably have to cope going from one place to the other to some extent, benefit of this is they get to see the different parenting styles slightly more objectively, as they get a little bit of distance. That authoritarian parenting is grim and it might be quite stressful for you and them to send them to him. But at least they will have somewhere to get away from it properly, somewhere they don’t have to walk on eggshells. I think thats probably better in the long run.

you will cope with being away from them, you will use that time to care for yourself, see mates, recharge and get shit done

OP does not love this man.

His silent treatment towards the Op is abusive in nature. He is punishing her for some imagined transgressions in his head

As for staying for the sake of the children that statement often does not stand up to scrutiny. Whose sake would the OP be staying for because it’s not theirs, more likely her own because it’s somehow “easier”. Well it’s not and it furthermore teaches the kids a shed load of damaging lessons about relationships.

Divorce is not failure OP, living like this is. Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one.

Do consider seeking legal advice and do not rely on mere supposition. You do not have to act on it immediately and knowledge here is power.

your kids go to school so they are not with you 24/7 anyway.

Do you also think that divorce will somehow make hm step up as a parent?. Give your head a wobble. Your kids have the measure of their dad and you need to catch up.

It’s very unlikely and past behaviour is often a good indicator of future behaviour, He’d probably farm the kids off to his parents or be some Disney dad who takes his kids to Mcdonslds once a month. This type of man will not regularly see his kids as they get older.

You are already a single parent with a lodger in the house. Get rid, your life will be easier in many ways and the atmosphere at home will be better for kids

ExH was similar with the moods. He was a happy involved parent for early years then lost interest as it was too much hard work and he wanted to do hobbies instead. It worked ok until dc were pre teens and they began to answer back and he would be irritable and shouty if they didn’t immediately obey every instruction. It got so I wouldn’t leave him alone with dc as I’d come back to a screaming row.

He stopped caring when I was ill and I had to text dc to get me medicine and water. He would start shouting the minute he got up so I never got a lie in. When he went away on hobby weekends the house was calmer and relaxed and it was a relief even though it was extra work for me.

He didn’t get any fulfilment out of being a parent so wouldn’t have managed the stroppy teen stage. DC also started to copy his behaviour to me which made me realise even though I had been refereeing and trying shield them from it they were really affected.

Life has been much better without him. He’s a better part time parent (as long as time with dc is based on his hobbies). The dc were sad but also said the house was calmer and they didn’t miss the shouting. I was able to undo the learnt behaviours which initially I was worried would make them bullies in their own relationships.

It’s hard work physically as a single parent (he does less than I expected) but emotionally I feel lighter and happier. It’s got much easier as dc have got older and we are a really close team.

Financially you can rebuild and if you have to move it’s better to do it when they are younger.

Ive not been interested in meeting someone new exH put me off living with a man for life.

Dont underestimate how the irritability and disinterest affects the dc. It’s really affected their self esteem. They can see dad lose interest after been at dads just a few hours and say it makes them feel they aren’t good enough.

If he can’t cope with dc when they are at cute stage he won’t cope when they are teenagers and shouting back.

I made up my mind to leave by the time I finished writing that post. I think I needed to get my thoughts down and most of the reaffirming comments has really made it crystal clear in my head. I sat down last night and worked out my finances and just knowing it's doable was a bit weight of my mind. Just the house situation that worries me but I'm sure it'll work out. I don't feel sad or scared, tbh I feel a tad indifferent. I'm sure it won't always be this way.

I've taken both kids out this morning and we had a great time. I needed that.

The thing is we nearly separated 5 years ago, then somehow managed to get it back, then again 6 months ago, this time I issued an ultimatum, and he pulled his socks up for 2 whole weeks before it all went back to same old. I think I've given it enough time/chances. And I'm pretty sure, he won't disagree with this decision either. As self centered as he is, I think even he realises he wasn't cut out for this life.

I'm glad posting has given you the clarity you needed, OP. Good luck.

the clarity of your posting says it all.
When I was reading it, I was nodding along - this was my life too.
Honestly, you can do this..a little bit at a time.

If you have an employee assistance helpline through work, call them tomorrow - I spoke to a legal person and got a referral for counselling for me through it too. You've got this.

My ex stepped up too, eventually. But initially it was all on me, but like you, it's all you now anyway.