Emotional affair

[Minlee]

Been with my husband 20 years and found out few months ago he has been texting with our neighbour who happens to be someone I have never got along with. Her marriage is broke up. The messages escalated to sending each other good night and good morning. I had been sick for a few weeks and was in hospital and my husband continued to text this lady. All stopped since I found out. I just can’t get over It and it’s been 6 months.

What did he say?

What is he doing to make amends? This is all on him to communicate with you how he is going to fix this ?

When you said - ‘escalated’ - to good morning /night - were the messages still in the friendship zone? Maybe flirty - but not yet sexual? Or did it get sexual and/or very personal/emotional?
I think it‘s an important line. Before crossing that line - i don’t quite think it’s an emotional affair, yet.

The bit about you not liking a neighbour yourself, I think os not relevant. He is allowed to talk to people you don’t like. He does not need to run it by you.

If no lines have been crossed - you need to make peace with the fact that you can’t control who he speaks to.

Sorry there was around over 100 messages. I only seen the last ones but it was going on 2 months. Whatever the convo was it ended at nite and before bed she sent him a good night text which I seen. Then next morning he sent her a good morning text. I don’t think any man should be wishing another women good morning or vice versa.
maybe I am overthinking it. But if it was so innocent why hide it and delete messages.

Your absolute right he hadn’t show/told you about the texts because he know he is crossing a line. You need to discuss with him.

@Minlee, over 100 secret messages and they’ve been thinking of each other first thing in the morning and last thing at night (an intimate time) = an EA in my book. That he was carrying on while you were in the hospital is despicable.

I’d be wondering if they were meeting up and if things had gone further than the illicit emotional connection. Could their inappropriate relationship have played a part in her divorce?

Further questions:
*Did you set any consequences like sending him away for a while?
*Has he gone NC with OW and provided you with open access to his devices?
*Is he working on himself to examine his flaws that enabled his greatly disrespecting you to pursue ego thrills from your problematic neighbor?

It’s no wonder that you can’t get over his betrayal, @Minlee. It can take 2-5 years to recover from emotional or physical infidelity, and that’s when the betrayer takes full responsibility and moves mountains to restore trust. Some injured partners decide against reconciliation, as too much damage has occurred.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this trauma.

They both know that you exist, they are both responsible.
Serious calm conversation is needed, google emotional affair & discuss it with him.
Be clear, you are uncomfortable. He's allowed to have a crush we all do but this is too close for comfort. Sneaking around is all fun until someone gets hurt & you deserve more from your best friend.