So hurt and need to find courage

[MerryTealLeader]

Been with my partner 7 years, married for 4. There was red flags from the beginning which I ignored as I was madly in love and isn’t want them to be true. Mostly around his lack of ability to be emotionally available and his extreme avoidance of conflict. Over the last two years I’ve had cancer, have lost my job and haven’t been in the best of spaces. But I’ve always loved him madly despite the fact he didn’t give me much back (I know) But then the subtle put downs started, the pouring cold water on me when I was happy, the lack of support during treatment, the digs and the passive aggression. He finally told me a few weeks ago he wasn’t happy and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to fix it. I suggested a trial separation which he jumped at with indecent haste. Since then I have felt more peaceful but there’s such a void and I feel so confused and sad. He won’t confirm the marriage is over but nor is he communicating with me. I’m in bits- knowing that this needs to end and I’m probably going to have to do it. But I can’t. I need a push. I’m hurting so much. We have been for a few sessions of couples counselling but he’s just going through the motions. I need courage.

I am so sorry. Best thing you can do is to take charge. File for divorce. Costs about £600 on line. Don't communicate with him. Let him get the email. He's just a person. He's useless, cruel, emotionally lacking and not good enough for you.

Thank you. He is all of these things but out on a good show (mainly) for much of the time. It’s hard to reconcile how someone can be so fundamentally cruel- that is definitely the word. And yes, I know I need to take charge. The practicalities will be awful and I’ll come out worst. But again I do know the only way through hell is to keep going. Thank you for your kindness.

So sorry about your cancer diagnosis and treatment.

your honesty is refreshing, you know he hasn't been there for you especially during your treatment.

he clearly didn't read the memo that getting married means in sickness and in health and he hasn't supported you at any time. The fact he quickly went ahead with a trial separation speaks volumes.

you're worth so much better. Please focus in on you 100% and block him out at the moment. You need to keep your stress levels right down, save all your personal resource for your recovery and then kick him to the curb, he's absolute trash!

🌺

My heart really goes out to you. You’ve had a proper rough couple of years, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling all over the place. Honestly, anyone would be after everything you’ve been through—cancer, losing your job, and now all this with your marriage. It’s a lot for one person to carry.

It takes guts to admit things haven’t been right, especially when you’ve loved him so much and wanted it to work. But you’ve seen the red flags, you’ve tried your best, and you’ve even suggested a separation—so don’t sell yourself short, you’re braver than you think. That little bit of peace you’re feeling now? That’s your gut telling you you’re on the right track, even if your heart’s still catching up.

It’s totally normal to feel lost and sad, and to be honest, it’d be odd if you didn’t. You’re grieving for what you hoped your marriage would be, and that takes time. The fact he’s not giving you straight answers or proper support says more about him than it does about you. You deserve someone who’s there for you, especially when life gets tough.

If you need a push, let it be this: you’ve already survived so much, and you’ve done it with more strength than most. You’re allowed to put yourself first now. Lean on your mates, talk to someone you trust, and take it one day at a time. You’ve got more courage than you realise. Brighter days are coming, even if it doesn’t feel like it just yet.