Long story short
met my ex online in 2020, he’s from the US. We flew back and forth very regularly and he moved in for 6 months in 2023. We ended up breaking up because he seemed to be hung up on his ex from when he was 17 (he’s now 35!) and said he’d be with her if he was single. So I made him single in Aug 2023. I was in a bad place as I’d had a 2nd trimester miscarriage and I just had enough. He was a porn addict, lied a lot and was emotionally abusive.
from aug 2023-dec 2024, we were on and off. We both slept with other people and that hurt us both, it never felt truly over. He talked to a few women as a distraction, but we never stopped loving each other.
we arranged for him to come over for Xmas last year but he didn’t as we couldn’t get along. Same happened in January. Same happened in February.
from December-march this year he would flip between saying he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want me, that it was settling, he didn’t want to be with me etc.. and loving me.
enough was enough and I got him a ticket to come over in march. He came over and was a changed man, it was perfect. Except he told one small lie, so I ended it. I then found out I was pregnant. I’d warned him any more lies and we’d be done. But as I was pregnant I wanted to fix it. He kept trying to fix things throughout April, but it stayed over. Then in May I went no contact, and after a few weeks he reached out to say he’d been thinking about me constantly but didn’t feel good enough for me so stayed away. I told him i needed time to process.
he joined a dating/streaming site and all hell broke loose. I’m quite jealous as a person and he knew I’d hate him being on there if he was trying to be with me. It ended up in a situation where he sat on streams with other women slagging me off, playing the victim, saying he left me cos I’m crazy, he even read out one of my messages, and told everyone he didn’t want me. Which is bizarre because on 10 June he was saying he wanted me, so all that changed in a week or 2???
anyway I’m due to give birth very early due to complications. So I have tried my hardest to fix things with him as he can’t be a dad from the US (the original plan was to marry and live here together).
he decided he doesn’t want me because I posted this for advice on Reddit, and because one of my friends exposed him on the streaming site for being abusive. Since then there have been loads of people acting like vigilantes going on streams he’s in and calling him an abuser. I had no part in this, except to confirm he was abusive when asked. He said I let men talk shit on him and that I betrayed him by joining the site (can’t beat them join them!)
he has said some truly unforgivable things, such as “I’ll be happy when u watch this one die”, “I hope u die in childbirth and he lives without u”, “you killed my son and you’ll kill this one”, “toxic womb”, “you’re the reason your husband committed suicide”…
despite all that, I wanted him around for the baby so I called him yesterday. He spent 10 mins yelling at me, saying he hates me, doesn’t see a future with me, doesn’t want me, doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to be in the baby’s life because he can’t bear to talk to me, that he never wants to hear from me ever again and he hopes I die, that he has no feelings for me. I then ended up in hospital with stress and when i called to tell him, he was pretty much the same. He then blocked me.
this morning he unblocked me and tried to call me but I didn’t answer, because he chose to call on Instagram (knowing he can block me straight after; whereas on Facebook he can’t). Because I didn’t answer, he blocked me. I have no idea why he was calling except maybe to check on the baby
i am by no means innocent, I accused him non stop of doing things. In my defence it was based on stuff he’d done before or stuff I was hearing. But I appreciate it drove him insane. Every time he spoke to a woman (even as a friend) I would be told, and I’d accuse him of wanting her (in my defence he’s slept with every female friend he’s ever had, or wanted to)… I have been toxic and jealous and crazy.
but he has said and done some pretty awful stuff to me over the years… it was only in march that he changed
ive tried to keep him involved with the baby, but there’s not much point if he’s not going to be around. He doesn’t want to fly back and forth spending all his money on flights and hotels and I can accept that because it is unreasonable. It’s too expensive and he only gets 2 weeks holiday a year. The only way he says he can be involved is if we are together, but he no longer wants that apparently.
so is it acceptable for me to stay silent? If he’s not going to be involved with the baby because “he wants no part of me and being involved with the baby means he’d have to talk to me” then does he need to know anything? Is there any point?
im well aware that he says he hates me and doesn’t love me when he’s angry, and probably doesn’t mean it, but the push and pull is too much for me now
I’ve tried to handle it as best as I can but he drives me up the wall and I do react badly. I wish he’d have actually changed in march but with the way he is now, has he even changed? He’s still abusive, still lies and still addicted to porn… but apparently he’s not an addict, doesn’t abuse me and I’m crazy and that’s why he left!