Difficult situation - in/laws post baby

[GirlMumF]

I am a mother to one daughter (my first) who is almost 1. During my pregnancy I suffered badly with pre-natal depression and then following birth I also experienced this post natally and was almost admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I’m now fully recovered.

During this period of post natal depression my partners relatives came to stay with us and made comments that I had made them feel unwelcome etc. (At the time I was 6 months PP and wasn’t aware how poorly I was) and naturally this upset me. Fast forward a few weeks and my partner left me and our daughter due to my mental health and his family encouraged this - despite needing the support to care for our daughter I was villainised for having post natal depression. During our 2 month separation none of his family reached out at all, not even to ask about my daughter. I found this very hurtful although not surprising as prior to this I hadn’t heard from them since the day they landed at my house 48 hours post c-section, then the occasional text here and there but nothing since February.

Myself and my partner are in the process of working things through however I really don’t know how/if I can move forward in having a relationship with his family. They continue to ignore group messages with photo updates of my daughter and did not check in on me during the worst period of my life and encouraged my partner to leave me during this time. My partner had begun to realise their treatment of me yet ofcourse they are his family and he finds it difficult to see fault with them even when ultimately it’s going to affect our daughter in the future if we choose to try and maintain a relationship with them that they don’t seem to care for.

any advice from anyone who’s been through something similar?

@GirlMumF

He left you at a most vulnerable time in your life, his family are the least of your problems my lovely.

Oh I totally understand where you are coming from with this although we are trying to work things out for our daughter’s sake. I don’t know if I can move past the feelings of abandonment during that time but I’m trying. I am just asking for advice on how to manage a difficult relationship with in laws not only to protect my daughter but also my own mental health going forward.

You do not need to manage a relationship with such difficult people. There is no rule or law that states you have to see such people going forward who have behaved dreadfully to you.

If they are too difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with it's the SAME deal for your daughter as well. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your man has a choice to make; who does his primary loyalty lie with now?. He seems to be too easily influenced by his parents and has been unable and unwilling to stand up for his own self and you people as his family unit. He needs therapy regarding his upbringing like yesterday frankly.

Better to be on your own with your child than to be so badly accompanied. He walked out on you and his child with his family's blessings ringing in his ears.

work things out for our daughter’s sake

What your daughter needs (and will continue to need for the rest of her life) is people who are there for her, people who do not walk out on her because looking after their poorly wife is a bit tricky. Her father is not that person.

The in-laws? Who are they? They’re not there for you and her either.

You’re separated, keep it that way. If they want photos in the future they can ask her dad.

Fathers who crumble at the slightest thing are really not deserving of your love, or of the love of their children.

What an upsetting post but more so reading about the DPs behaviour in all this. In laws can often unfortunately be petty and vindictive, jealous and who knows what else - it’s the luck of the draw there with what type you get.

However, DP is the person you chose and he chose you so should have your back and be managing any such unruly or negative elements on your behalf especially when they’re his own family. It’s not just your mental health and recovery he’s protecting by doing this but by default the baby’s early bonding and experience also since you can’t go back and both ‘redo’ this critical time as it were. He’s failed you both so badly and for what?

You’re very strong for entertaining this man still, he doesn’t deserve you or a child who he’s utterly incapable of supporting.

Just bear it in mind as a possibility - that your pre-natal and then post-natal depression might not have been caused solely by the pregnancy and birth and baby. A useless husband can be a major source of depression. It could be the relationship itself that was making you depressed.

However, as you are now trying to work things out, park that thought and concentrate on the future.

To answer your question - you don't need to have any relationship with his family. Just tell DH you are not bothered about them and don't need to see them.
You have the right to not see them.
No need to make a big drama, no need to argue with him, just state your intention and don't be persuaded otherwise.

You don't go with him to their home(s). Let him take baby to see them by himself.
If they come to your house, say a polite hello and a few words of small talk, then make yourself scarce - either go upstairs for a "nap" or go out, with or without baby. Don't 'host' them or cook for them.
Don't bother with their birthdays. Don't bother with texts or WhatsApp or updating family social media.
Refuse to spend Christmas with them. You insist on spending Christmas (or other major feast days depending on your religion) just with you and DH as a family of three with your baby. Let him visit them in the evening if he wants.

No drama, no blocking or "cutting them out", just absolute minimal contact and polite small talk for a few moments if you do see them in passing.

He left you in the shit to cope alone.

You’re in for many mang more years of his weak, selfish arse….

Agreed. Fuck him, build a life for you and your daughter

I have suffered depression all my adult life and DH who knew this , still really struggles with it and doesn't support me. I find it hard at times but equally I don't want to be alone. There is a lot of ignorance regarding mental health and even more surrounding depression in pregnancy. Dh family still call antidepressants happy pills. Try to work it out as divorce will ne hard too and he probably wont be a great ex husband either. Just ignore his family. You are better than them as they are frankly stupid. Please don't have another baby any time soon and definitely not with your current partner.

Thank you - I really needed to hear that! It’s been such a difficult situation to navigate especially being as poorly as I was!

I completely agree. I am actually a mental health nurse myself and never in a million years thought I would be dealt these cards let alone be up against a family who don’t have any compassion towards those with mental ill health. It’s been a very lonely time and very traumatising to say the least!

Thanks - they live quite a distance away from us and when they do come they stay with us which again, really affected me during the postnatal period as the one time they stayed with us I’d just had a c section and they expected me up and about making them coffees/food and when I spoke up and said I’d prefer them to stay in a hotel my partner felt it was rude and disgusting to suggest that his family weren’t welcome to stay overnight. I’m very much the type who enjoys my own space and they didn’t offer anything in terms of help or support during the 24 hours they stayed with me - infact I ended up in bed with my daughter crying my eyes out by 7pm as I was so exhausted.

I fully agree going forward that any contact I have with them needs to be bare minimum

When they come to stay at your house can you go and stay with your parents?
Otherwise, have lots of events booked and go out as much as possible, on your own or with baby.
Tell DH that if he invites them he is responsible for hosting, including all food shopping, cooking, and serving meals, drinks and snacks, plus making up beds, stripping them afterwards, and doing the laundry.

Discuss this now, before you get back together. If he refuses or argues, then you know he is selfish and lazy and sexist, so don't get back together.