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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did he cheat?

27 replies

Nollyroa · 05/07/2025 15:41

We have been married for 18 years. Recently I’ve had a serious bout of bladder infections and possible kidney problems, so haven’t felt like having lots of sex. I found out this week that while husband was away working and staying in a hotel, he created a profile, joined a site and was messaging and arranging to meet other women for sex. When confronted I asked him if he had met up with anyone, he said no. I said why not, he said he was too busy. Now he claims he’s done nothing wrong, and we should be fine. He said it didn’t mean anything, but I feel like he’s thrown away our marriage.

OP posts:

smallsilvercloud · 05/07/2025 15:51

Whether he did or not, his attitude towards you is awful, he didn’t cheat because he was too busy, (that in itself is a lie, he just didn’t get an opportunity with someone immediately available more like), that’s his best excuse and yes even the intentions are wrong, of course it is, he’s just trying to brainwash you into thinking it’s your fault.

Shetlands · 05/07/2025 15:59

"When confronted I asked him if he had met up with anyone, he said no."

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he...

Of course he met up with at least one woman because the evidence shows he was arranging to do just that! Does he expect you to believe that he was making the arrangements and then changed his mind in order to finish a report for Jeff in Accounts?

DaisyChain505 · 05/07/2025 16:07

He made a profile and messaged women with the intention of meeting them for sex. This is a breach of trust and not something you do whilst married.

I guess you’ll never know for sure if he actually did cheat or not but he wanted to and was on the path to, that you know as fact.

Azandme · 05/07/2025 16:09

Cheating isn't just sex.

He may not gave had sex, but he definitely cheated.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/07/2025 16:09

If he stayed in a hotel and you've got all that evidence of him attempting to cheat, I would put money on it that he had prostitutes in that hotel room. Im sorry op x

SpryCat · 05/07/2025 16:10

When Confronted he said he hadn’t met anyone.
He would say that, wouldn’t he.

It said it didn’t mean anything!
Sounds like he is talking about cheating.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 05/07/2025 16:13

Since he's cheating, he may have given you your bladder infection.

TheAphrodite · 05/07/2025 16:15

echoing @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPastathe infection could be because hes cheated before 😔 maybe get a test for peace of mind its nothing sinister like an STI 💐XX

Original poster

Nollyroa · 05/07/2025 16:25

Thanks. If we talk about it now it just goes round and round:
Him, what can I do to make it up to you?
Me, nothing.
Him, I didn't do anything.
Me, yes you did.

Every time I shut my eyes I see him, going through all these steps, making a profile, joining the site, getting his email verified, going back on the site, then composing a message. Step by step and it has made me physically sick. But he just keeps saying he's not done anything wrong.

OP posts:

Freeme31 · 05/07/2025 16:32

He WANTED to meet other women for sex, then asks YoU what can he do to make up to tou, surely it’s up to him to tell you how he is going to make amends he should be begging forgiveness but that will never come because he can even understand what he has done wrong. Id ask him to leave until he truly understands what it is he has done wrong because if he doesn’t know hee will certainly do it again because there are no consequences or understanding of how awful a husband he truly is

LittlleMy · 05/07/2025 16:35

Soo…by his own admission, the only reason he didn’t meet up for sex is because he was ‘too busy’ and so by default didn’t cheat ergo there are no issues and alls well 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh dear OP, I really feel for you.

Richandstrange · 05/07/2025 16:56

He's trying to verbally browbeat you into submission OP, thinks if he says he didn't do anything wrong enough times you will eventually accept it as the truth, even when you know deep down it isn't. I think you need to respond with actions rather than words now or you will just go round in increasingly frustrating and exhausting circles. Insist on some space, however you can make that work logistically, so you can get a break from his narrative and work out what you really think and feel about what he's done. I would be using the time to get my ducks in a row to divorce the fucker but that has to be your own decision, at the very least it will show him he can't just railroad you into believing he's done nothing wrong.

Coconutter24 · 05/07/2025 17:00

When confronted I asked him if he had met up with anyone, he said no. I said why not, he said he was too busy.

but if he had the time he would of gone and had with sex one, that’s what he planned to do, created a profile, spoke to woman with the intention of cheating on you but it’s ok he was to busy so he didn’t get time to have sex so hasn’t done anything wrong…. Really? What a scum bag

PoopingAllTheWay · 05/07/2025 17:01

You asked him why he didnt meet them
He said ‘I was busy’

That would be enough for me to end the marriage

outerspacepotato · 05/07/2025 17:06

You need STI testing ASAP.

At the very least, he had the intention to cheat. At worst, he cheated. He has done something wrong and your marriage is trashed. Don't let him spin this as nothing.

He's possibly cheated before and passed something on to you.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 05/07/2025 17:13

He did meet them and he has had sex with other women.
And if I’m wrong about that, does it actually change anything? If you hadn’t caught him he would have, and he doesn’t even think what he did was wrong because you caught him first (you didn’t).
After 18 years otherwise happy people don’t just decide to step out on their marriage because their partner has medical conditions making sex more difficult. If he wasn’t doing it even before the sex became less frequent then I’ll eat my hat.
And I hate to say this but do you know yet what’s caused your bladder and kidney problems? Have they explored STIs as a potential cause? Untreated Chlamydia or gonorrhoea can cause kidney damage.

I’ve said it so many times on here but reconciliation requires full disclosure, and an acceptance of fault in the very least. He’s given you neither.

OchreRaven · 05/07/2025 17:26

Ok he did nothing wrong. That means this behaviour is quite acceptable in a relationship. I would be downloading tinder and chatting to men asking for sex. Do it next to him in bed. Let him see the messages. There’s nothing wrong with it right? So he wouldn’t mind you doing the same?

NoelFaraday · 05/07/2025 17:34

Ask yourself who goes out and spends time choosing and selecting a treat or two and then buys a box of chocolates but is too busy to eat them after all?!

NO ONE.

Window shopping is bad enough but he has obviously been at it with sex workers.

The fact he can lie to you in such a ludicrous way indicates that he has duped you many times and thinks you are stupid enough to believe him.

You are worth so much more than wasting your time with this dirty scoundrel.

Original poster

Nollyroa · 05/07/2025 17:34

It actually hadn't occurred to me that the bladder issues might be related to an STI. They did swabs the second time I went to see the nurse, they've also done blood tests (not sure what for) - the only thing I got back was that I had the swab did culture some yeasts so asked if I had thrush symptoms.

At one point in the discussions with him, I just said I can't get past this, and he rolled his eyes at me.

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 05/07/2025 17:36

Nollyroa · 05/07/2025 16:25

Thanks. If we talk about it now it just goes round and round:
Him, what can I do to make it up to you?
Me, nothing.
Him, I didn't do anything.
Me, yes you did.

Well there lies the issue. He doesn’t think what he did was wrong.

If he was saying how he’s made a terrible mistake and he can’t believe what he’s done and he’s so sorry and wants to do anything to make it up to you that would show a tiny smidge of remorse but he doesn’t think he’s actions were wrong.

What he did was wrong and isn’t the actions of someone in a loving committed relationship.

ginasevern · 05/07/2025 17:46

"At one point in the discussions with him, I just said I can't get past this, and he rolled his eyes at me."

He rolled his eyes at you? Jesus Christ. What would he say if you tried to meet sex workers in a hotel room? I can't believe he flippanty said he was too busy to have sex with them! The fact is, he probably did pay for sex so please get checked out. He's speaking to you as if you're a stupid piece of shit OP.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 05/07/2025 17:48

Nollyroa · 05/07/2025 17:34

At one point in the discussions with him, I just said I can't get past this, and he rolled his eyes at me.

I'm sorry. Cheaters not only lie lie lie lie lie lie - the male ones often also don't use condoms. It's part of the thrill for a lot of them, to go bare from woman to woman.

Hatty65 · 05/07/2025 17:51

I'd end the marriage with no more discussion. He's shown real contempt for you and is basically making little to no attempt to save the relationship.

Let's be honest - you can decide you are ending your marriage because the way he chews his food makes you feel like hitting him with a meat cleaver. You can certainly decide to end it because he's gone to lots of trouble to attempt to arrange to have sex with other women. Whether he actually did or not.

He doesn't need to agree. File for divorce, and then roll your eyes at him when he complains!

Starlight7080 · 05/07/2025 17:56

I thought sti as soon as started reading this.
What an awful man. So because you have not been having sex he thinks he is justified in finding it elsewhere?

Original poster

Nollyroa · 05/07/2025 19:09

Thanks guys. I think I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't over-reacting with him continually saying it wasn't a big deal and that he hadn't done anything wrong. I don't think there are any words that he could say that would ever make things right between us.

OP posts:

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