Can't cope with all that i have discovered

[ambercat]

I just don't know what to do.

In the last month i was told by h that he no longer loves me. I then discovered he has been having an affair for the last 5 months.

In the last couple of weeks i found out he has never been faithful to me, loads of one night stands without using a condom.

I thought we were happy, he has never said otherwise. I don't understand it, we have 3 children, how can he just walk out on our family.

We are not speaking atm, this is the first weekend he has the children and i am alone. I can't stop crying. WHere do i go from here?

Sorry to hear this. The next step is a lawyer I'd say. Good luck. Stay focussed on you and the children.

I'm really sorry, I can't think of a softer way of putting this butwith your comment about the one night stands, I think you need to get yourself checked over at an STD clinic.

Thanks, a lawyer will make it real, i think i just want to pretend it isn't happening but i guess i can't.

He goes away soon for 7 months with work so may see one while he is away.

Am scared to make him angry in case he stops paying the mortgage.

how awful and what a horrible man!!

how old are the children? do you work? are you ok financially? does he want a divorce? would he go to relate? do you really want him back after all you have learned?

where is he now with the children? why the hell did he marry you and have 3 kids?

I feel so sad for you. where do you live? keep posting and we will all help as much as we can.

Next step when I was in a similar situation was to grieve - grieve for what you have lost ( the marriage you thought you had) and then once you have grieved start to build your own life again for you.

There is life after lies and fabriction, try not to dwell on why he had one nighters, it had nothing at all to do with you - do not try to understand why he would have been so stupid - he was end of nothing to do with you or your ability as a wife.

Don't beat yourself silly by trying to talk to him about why either as you will get platitudes and lies - dont do it to yourself.

Best wishes and think one day at a time and each day is a new begining.

Have been to gu clinic, waiting for test results atm, so humiliating. He is so non emotional about it all, he really doesn't seem to give a shit, i don't know who he is anymore.

Feel like i'm falling apart. Its so hard to keep it together for the children. i want to curl up in a ball and die.

Get yourself to a lawyer asap - if he's away for 7 months you need to be sure that you will be OK financially during that time. I second the STD check - absolutely essential that you do that.

You do need time to grieve, and the end of a relationship is very like a bereavement. You're mourning something/someone you thought you had. But ultimately it is pointless trying to find explanations - why did he behave like this, why doesn't he love me, why can't I go back in time and change things etc. You just have to accept that things are how they are now and you need to keep going, and keep remembering that you will come out the other side of this a stronger person.

He says he will keep paying bills and mortgage and always will, but he seems set on starting a new life with his 24 year old tart so don't know how long that will last.

I work as childminder and some shifts as a nurse but don't earn much.

He is adament he doesn't love me don't understand why he wouldn't talk to me about how he felt. We have had a bad couple of years he has been away so much(forces) but i truley thought he loved me.

Kids are 8,6 and3 don't know how to tell them they must know somethings up.

I do feel like someone has died tbh.

I am also so angry with him for doing this and i feel like i have wasted 13 years of my life, I gave up so much for him, my career, moved 3 hrs from family and this is what i get. But part of me still loves him and i hate myself for that.

You have three beautiful children and that is not 13 wasted years. You can start your caree again, you can move where you want to be. Hopefully your love for him will wilt and die rapidly....

Thank you for all your posts. Ifeel a bit better now, it seems to hit me in waves.

Need to dry my tears as he is bringing the kids back soon and i really don't want him to see i've been crying again.

he keeps telling people he thinks i should just deal with it. fucking bastard.

You havent wasted your life....as ivy said, you have 3 beautiful children....this is just a new aspect of your life that you will get through despite the pain you feel now.

Another thread that was similar to this recently and a poster said that if she had her time over, she would not have wasted time begging and pleading to come back. she would have some dignity and just work out what she was going to do in the future.

Do you have any family that could come and stay with you?

My family have been fantastic, my sister went through similar a couple of years ago and has been a godsend.

I am determined to be as non emotional as him from now on. tbh it is a blessing he will be away for so long as hopfully it will give me time to recover. I'm just worried that when he gets back it will be like starting all over again.

Don't normally post much on here, tend to lurk but really appriciate the support and it has helped me to write things down.

oooh no! post a lot!! we will really help and support you and by the end of this nightmare you will wonder how you would have coped without Mumsnet!!

Thanks will probably be back to rant some more.

must try and venture on to other threads when i feel more together.

Of course he thinks you should deal with it. Because if you dealt with it, you wouldn't make him feel guilty. And I expect he felt crap about the way this has made you feel. So he has cut himself off emotionally from you. This is why he is being cold, I think. Deep down, he knows what he has done and he can't handle it. So he's blanking it all off.

After a while, they begin to tell themselves that you deserved it, and then he will actually come to believe that. This will make him feel loads better.

I'm so sorry you and your children are having to face this. I've been through it myself and it is unbearably painful. Please keep posting if you need strength and support.

This man isn't worth another second of your emotional strength. Hold your head high if you can. This wasn't your doing, and I expect he'll do it to 24 year old too, so she hasn't won much in this war.

amber..you can do this.. you are allowed to grieve and be angry.. because it just not fair!... you do work so you would get tax credits and some finacial help. but while he is still paying toward the mortgage and children, I would stash what you can away, after you have had a new haircut and some new undies ( these are for you).
I would seek legal advise and get the ball rolling.
And I would tell him after you get your results from GUM( whatever they are) that he needs to go to the clinic, as you have had your results back and he must go! LOL ( but then I'm a bitch.. and I would scare him for putting you at risk, infact I might even ring the girlfriend and leave a message for him LOL).

Has he moved out (if he has the children all weekend and they aren't there)?

Lw how long ago did it happen to you? how long did it take you to feel like you could move on? all i can think about is them together, planning a future. I'm so scared he will have more children with her and forget about ours.

B - i have sent numerous texts to her telling her what i think of her and the fact he may have given us both hiv. I need to stop doing that now and try and regain some dignity.

God only about an hour til he brings kids home, we had a massive row when he collected them, i punched him, i'm so ashamed of the way i have been but rage seems to take over.

Xenia, he is in the forces so is currently training in another town . He has been put up in a house as there are no rooms on camp so he has taken them there.

If you want him back then you'll have to avoid punching him. He might well tire of the 24 year old so not rushing into anything and just waiting to see what happens is wise. But protect your position legally. Check he is not taking any money out of accounts or taking on new debts etc

Message withdrawn

It happened to me 4 years ago, ambercat. I cried solidly for two months wanting him to come home. After that, I was such a mess that I just decided I had to divorce myself from him emotionally. I couldn't make him come home, but I could stop myself wanting him to come home.

I couldn't just stop feeling for him, because we were together 14 years, and nature hates a vacuum! But it was making me ill, still loving him, whilst he was playing 'I might come home, I might not'. I just decided to hate him instead of loving him, and cut him out of my heart really. Now there's a hole in my heart where he used to be, but I'm okay.

After about 6 months I began to take notice of the world again, notice other cute men, that sort of stuff.

I think our 3 most common fears are that xh and OW will get engaged, get married, and have children. That is very normal. Try not to think of them locked in a clinch together. If you must think about him, turn your thoughts around to what a cheating git he is. Anger is better than pain. Pain is crippling.

You sound very together littlewoman, thank you for your wise words. I am doing my best to hate him and he is certainly making it easier for me.

He has just left after dropping kids off. I am proud that i stayed non emotional, but feel i have made it so easy for him tojust drop the kids and run. I know i should be thinking of the children but inside i'm screaming What about me?.

I am in limbo now as i don't know if he wants to see them again next weekend and i don't want to be the one who contacts him. Why should it always have to be me chasing him?

He has 2 weeks leave in june, really don't know what to do about it. He should see the kids as he will be away for so long after his leave, but they will be in school so he can't take them away and i don't think i could bear to have him in the house.

He also has to have them one of the weekends as i am going away, he knows this but hasn't mentioned it.

God everything is such a fucking mess

I'm not altogether sure that hating him was the best thing to do really, because my children picked up on it and that makes me feel really bad. It didn't at the time, but it does now. The thing is... you have to get through it. Every day you have to struggle through it. Nobody can take the pain away. Nobody can help you or make you feel better. You cope with it whatever way gets you through that particular day. At the time, hating him was all I could do to make it bearable, so I try not to beat myself up about it.

I can see your thoughts jumping ahead to next week, then to June, already. Life is a mix of fear for the future, and sorrow for the past.

Here is a very helpful trick. Pay very close attention to exactly what you are doing at the moment. So, if you are walking in the street, notice the sun, the flowers, notice all the things around you. What this does is, it makes you live in the present. In the present there is no dead hope for tomorrow, no sadness for yesterday. There is only now.
People often experience this sensation when they loook at their children sleeping. Just a sense of joy in the present moment.

If things get too hard for you, that trick helps sometimes. Well done on your strength today. You will need so much of it, but know that everybody is with you. (((hug)))