Struggling with DP working nights

[vodatone]

DP & I have a 4 month old. DP moved from his office job when I was around 6 months pregnant because his commute was long and would often be out the house from 6:30am to 7:00pm then log on at home, it was really starting to affect his mental health.

DP took on a job at a startup with a friend with the understanding he’d be mostly home based but would need to visit sites occasionally however the project hasn’t come to fruition yet and although it’s in the pipeline, his employer cannot put a timeline on it.

DP started working nights when I was still at work, which was fine, we have his DS 2 weekends on and one off so I’d have his DS on the Friday nights. When our baby was born, DP stopped the nights for a month or so but is now working them again. There’s no set schedule, he works Monday - Friday but could be night shifts for weeks, then a few days on days, back to nights for weeks etc.

I feel for DP because I know he’s struggling again but I’m finding it so difficult to adjust. DD is still waking at least every 2 hours in the night, his DS doesn’t always sleep through either and has started bedwetting again and calls in the night and needs resettling. DP leaves for work around 4pm when he works a night shift and returns between 4-5am. He’s exhausted and then sleeps until about 2pm and then out again at 4pm. When we have DSS he’s up early on the weekend and I’m exhausted from being up with the baby & DP exhausted from working all night.

I feel like I’m solo parenting and I’m just so lonely. My family & friends all live an hour away, during the day I usually sit in and wait for DP to get up so that we can see him. At nights I find it hard to sleep when he’s not here and I just don’t get a break from the baby at all. I sit alone for dinner each night and I just miss seeing DP. It doesn’t feel fair to throw the baby at him when he’s home either as he doesn’t get any downtime himself. I don’t have any help with nights at the weekend either and DP obviously takes the lead in parenting and spending time with DSS so again I feel as though I’m on my own looking after the baby, feeding, changing and playing.

It’s come to a head because I told DP he’d have to make alternative arrangements for DSS on the nights he’s working, I love having DSS here but I’m up in the night with both DC and then up with them both at the crack of dawn (and attempting to keep them both quiet in a small flat) until DP rises and I feel as though I’m going to have a breakdown.

My maternity pay runs out in October and I’m due back to work, we can’t agree on how it’ll work with nursery pick ups and drop offs because DP doesn’t know until about an hour before when he’s due to work, I just don’t see how it’s feasible. DP would like me to stay home with the baby but I’m not sure how we’d cope with the drop when SMP runs out, we’re also not married so cautious of that too.

DP doesn’t want to get another job with more predictable hours, he’s less stressed with what he’s doing at the moment and I think he’s a bit scared to job hunt but I just want to smack my head against the wall.

But it’s just not working though…

Is the night job to supplement the start up job? Or is the night job with the start up company?

I know he doesn’t want to, but he really needs to look for a proper daytime job. Or work a proper night shift so he’s there in the evenings? At the moment he’s working half a day, half a night and sleeping the rest, he probably feels all out of sorts doing that too.

Unfortunately what he is doing at the moment isn’t working at all for family life. He needs to actively seek out another job with 9- 5 hours. Of course he is happy he isn’t parenting his own kids and presumably ducking out of housework ?

Sorry don’t think that was clear! He’s employed by a friend who has a start up, he’s working nights at the start up because they need men on the ground & there’s not enough work for him to do remotely at this stage. Was employed in a management capacity but is out doing the physical work.

I don’t think I’d mind at all if it was from 7pm onwards, I’d have a break from being alone with DD in the day and we’d have time together. It’s the fact it’s, as you say, half a day & half a night.

It’s a difficult scenario because he had quite a pay rise and me going back full time would only just cover the gap between this and his previous salary. There’s not much about that would pay the same.

Maybe trying to shift to ‘proper nights’ in the short term is the answer then..

The culture of his new job is that all of the partners/wives stay at home parenting all of their children solo too, which tbh is why I think they work the hours they do to avoid it and so he works the hours they all work. He’ll use them as an example, Steve has 4 kids and his wife is able to cope with all 4 whilst he works, why can’t you cope with DD & my DS?

It’s a small company & none of the other mums work outside of the home which is of course fine but I don’t want to be unmarried and reliant on my partner permanently.

Is the night shift scenario necessary or could the work on the ground be done during the day?

I would also look at his sleep schedule. He is going to bed at say 4-5am and getting up at 2pm. That is 9-10 hours sleep.

Maybe the other wives can manage because their husbands sleep only till 12 and then help them for 4 hours before leaving for work.

They probably have just their own children to look after and probably get 8 hours sleep each night because they don’t have 2 children who don’t sleep through the night

Also they are wives and you are not. You have no stake in this beyond what he will be paying in CM when you split. To them it is a marital asset
So don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are not pulling your weight when he spends the 12 hours he is at home sleeping and getting ready for work.
This business is nothing to do with you and remember if you left then he would have to not have his DS on Friday nights or not go to work.

I don’t get that he doesn’t know about work. Of course he does or common sense should tell him that if he is leaving the house at 4pm daily and he comes home at 4am then he knows that are his hours.

He does have down time, he just chooses to spend that time asleep. Where is your down time?

Is he doing this job as an employee or as a partner in the business
I would be very annoyed if someone offered me a 9-5 wfh job then changed the hours of the job to nights only and not wfh when I had started working there

This was helpful, thank you. He’s definitely not happy about the working nights & the job not being as described. The industry he works in is seeing a lot of redundancies at the moment so not much scope for a job hunt though. His entire department at his previous job, where he’d been for 7 years, were made redundant not long after he left so no chance at returning either.

The job he accepted was a bit of a pivot from his old role, although not a full 180, and the idea was to branch out into other areas.

I think the sleeping in is the main issue at the moment. DD is still waking up a few times a night so I rarely get more than 3 hours uninterrupted, probably total about 6. I can’t imagine it’s very restful having to sleep during the day either, of course lots of people do it though.