Does anyone else feel like they are losing all their friends in their 30s?

[BananaCaramel]

It seems constant at the moment.

A childhood friend of my husband’s decided to move 2 hours away and get engaged to, and buy a house with a woman with 2 kids he barely knows. No longer speaks to any of us.

A school friend and bridesmaid has stopped talking to me and basically ghosted our whole friend group since separating from her husband (whirlwind very short relationship).

My best friend from uni and also a bridesmaid flakes on me constantly…although she does show up properly when we do get together.

Amy husband’s previously very close uni friend never gets in touch and the last time DH reached out we got tacked onto a large group BBQ that had nothing to do with us and DH wished we hadn’t bothered going.

We feel like we are losing all our friends - is this normal, or are we putting out some bad energy somewhere?

Yes I had this, my two oldest friends suddenly got very flaky, by our thirties we had kids and were back at work I think we were busy and just stopped prioritising each other. I also had another group of friends who drifted and some mum friends who once we were all back at work tapered off. I went from having lots of pockets of friends to very few.

I spent a few years trying to keep connections and feeling rejected and lonely. And then I stopped trying, I was really busy with kids and work and figured I’d focus on friendship when I was a bit older. Ten years on I sporadically see my two oldest friends, when I stopped trying we didn’t see each other for ages and they noticed and started putting a bit more effort in. I have a couple of friends from ds school who I occasionally do coffee with and that’s it. I enjoy time with my family, my hobbies. I don’t miss the friendships now, I’ve had some health issues too that make me a less social person.

This happened to me in my 40s. Big friendship group from my 20s to early 40s. Covid affected things then 2 people moving away plus some of our kids becoming older teens so not wanting to hang out while other friends have little kids. I still see some of them on a 1 to 1 basis but the parties/holidays/birthday get togethers stopped. I'm not too sad about it. We have busy lives and the people I was close to I still see albeit more rarely. I have made new friends through work who I spend more time with nowadays plus I work a lot more now (own business) which takes up a lot of time. It seems fairly common as you get older.

Happening to me in my 50s.
Think it's happening to all of us in different age groups.

Yep. Now I pretty much accept (and expect) friends to go all flaky when they have kids. Pregnancy announcement is usually the death knell to a friendship in my experience. I'm all excited and share the joy etc, but in the back of my head I know what's coming.

Circle is shrinking but I think it's just life 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don't think you should be taking this personally or seeing it as rejection.

People change a lot, and it's fairly common for people to move on and reinvent their lives for their own contentment.

Whether it's a new relationship or a new city.

I was incredibly unhappy in my 20s, I honestly get the ick if people pop up on social media and try to bring me back into those social circles.

Even if someone enjoys a friendship at the time, it probably isn't going to be something they prioritise over career, new relationships etc.

Especially with financial and work pressures in your 30s and 40s. People aren't going to stay in the same city for the sake of friendships.

I've drifted away from friends as it's fairly expensive to keep long distance friendships going - I'm not broke but can't justify spending £££ and weekends travelling to attend weddings and birthdays when it makes more sense to build up my socialising locally.

There's no falling out or rejection, just being pragmatic.

I do know people who had a strong sense of identity and got "settled" earlier (staying in the same city, often with the same partner, same work role).

If they're content that's fantastic. But of course if others are in "flux" then they might not feel they have so much in common.

I've dropped some friends. Not for any reason other than life moves on. People change and I have limited time and other priorities in life.

With the limited time I have, I don't necessarily want to spend that time with my old uni mates.

It's life.

Same op Im older 50s. I binned the must catch up soon xx ones. Met a girl from primary school lovely catchup then I got ghosted. People soo flaky now. I asked my friend is it me lol. She said no. People are insincere now. I just dont make plans now. Sigh.

DH and I have a local couple we are friends with coming over tonight a bit last minute.

My friend flaked on coming to stay with me this weekend and HER friend cancelled on her going to visit. So we are having a bit of a pity party.

It’s nice to know it isn’t just us but it is still hurtful - when you have been friends a long time it stings to feel like you suddenly aren’t very important. I also don’t have very many friends that I can afford to keep having them drift away!

Same here banana but not willing to put up with crappy behaviour or will they pull out of plans last minute!

It was more 40s for me. You need to make new friends too

@Bufftailed funny I actually said this to DH, we need to make new friends. It’s really hard as an adult though. We’re going to start trying for a baby after Christmas so I’m hoping baby groups etc will open up new parent friends for us

Dogs and children are great ways to make friends 🤣

Some people have kids, create a new set of friends they’ve met through nursery/school and forget about their previous school/uni/work friends.

Some people spend their weekends visiting parents, in laws, siblings with their kids in tow.

Some people want to maintain old and new friendships and are happy to see their parents once a year.

Personally I grew even closer to my oldest friends after I had dd. They knew me before I was a parent and that was invaluable. Not all of them have kids and that’s been invaluable too.
I was also lucky enough to make local friends through dd - who are great too but honestly they’ll never replace the friends who have known me for 30 years.

As dd has got older and I have more energy and time I love spending time with my friends. I don’t want to be twiddling my thumbs in retirement, waiting for dd to call and with only dp for company.

It’s each to their own though.